Hiro-Kun

Dearest Hiro-Kun,

The first time I saw you, I knew you were perfect for me.  Everything about you is what I've been searching for, for a long time.  I'm used to being the smartest person in the room, and your mind runs circles around mine.  Your initiative in seeking out opportunities and your commitment to your work is impressive and admirable.  Your eyes are the most gorgeous eyes I've ever looked into; they make me melt, and I love your body.  The way you follow me around from room to room and hold me from behind is adorable, and I know this sounds creepy, but I love to watch you sleep; you look so innocent and content, and it brings out this deep desire in me which wants to love, nurture, support, and protect you.

Even despite all of the things I love about you, I realize I've unfairly pushed you away.  You see, I'm a very pragmatic and logical person, and those qualities have gotten me very far in life.  My ability to seek out the best possible solution and to look far ahead into the future has proven to be, perhaps, my greatest asset.  And whenever I would look at you, I saw the years of work that would have to go into teaching you how to take care of yourself and how to take care of me.  A part of me was also very scared of our age difference.  You're just discovering your career path, your interests, passions, and who and what you like, whereas I've had plenty of time to figure out what it is that I want from life.  I knew I wanted you for the long haul, but in five or ten years from now, would you also want me?  The prospect of investing into someone who would most likely leave you in the future was soul-crushing.  I felt like what I imagine an actual mother feels like after she's put so much time, energy, and resources into raising a child, only to watch them leave to lead their own lives.  It's bittersweet, at best.

And even though I could absolutely logic my way through all of that, my heart wouldn't let me ignore how I felt about you.  I couldn't just let logic and reason override my emotions this time, and I started to hurt.  Like "lay in bed for hours and mope" hurt or "check my phone a thousand times to see if you still cared enough to text" hurt.  I still feel like that, if I'm being honest.  What's undeniable is that I do, in fact, love you.  For as short a time as I've known you and how little I know about you, it sounds silly and unreasonable, but I do.  I want to do everything in my power to make you as fulfilled and satisfied and as successful as you want to be.  And I'd want you to have the peace of mind that you would always have someone fighting with you on your side.

After my cancer scare, I took a lot of time to take inventory of my life.  If I only had months left to live, why was I pushing you, the one thing I wanted, away?  The truth was that I didn't want to waste time: I wanted us to live together and to share unforgettable experiences together before we couldn't.  At the very least, I wanted to show you what real love and devotion felt like, at least once in your life, and I knew I could give that to you.  I imagined you raid leading your guild in mid-April, and I would silently make sure you had everything you needed (food, sleep, restoration) so you could focus on getting your team to World 1st again.  I'd make sure to encourage you to invest yourself into your work and education so that you could have a stellar career one day, too.  And of course, I'd give you lots of praise and head pats when things weren't always going so easy or so well.  These are all the things I wanted to tell you this week before I had to make a big decision.

You're probably wondering what was so important that we had to have a phone call about.  Well, my therapist felt I should tell my ex about my cancer coming back, and when I did, my ex offered to move-in with me to take care of me.  He was about to sign another year-long lease, but he had until 5:30pm on March 30th to pull out, hence my deadline.  I ended up telling him to not sign the lease and to go ahead and put in his 30 days notice to move.  But if I'm being honest, I really wanted the person who moved in to be there with me during this time to be you.  That's what I wanted: to see if that was even something that you wanted too.  I'm sad that we never even got a chance to talk about it.

You see, I'm a long-term relationship kind of girl.  My last relationship with my ex was nearly 11 years long.  I know how to make a relationship work, I know how to be a good partner, and I know how to compromise and when to stand my ground.  I also know how to love: not just the Valentine's Day greeting card or romantic movie type of love, but the real moments that we wake up to and feed our hearts throughout the day.  What I wanted to know is if you wanted that too, with me?  All you would have had to do was to say yes.  Sadly, we'll never have that conversation, and you will never know how I truly felt about you, nor you to me.

I will miss you dearly, Hiro-Kun.  I'm sure I'll be thinking "what if?" on my death bed someday, as I imagine an alternate reality where I had the chance to bare my heart to you, and I made a different decision yesterday, and we are both together and happy.  But for now, I have to close this chapter and put our story high up on a bookshelf.  I wish so badly to see how our story would have ended.  In my fantasies, it absolutely has a fairytale ending.  I love you, Hiro-Kun.  Goodbye.

Love Always,

Quyen

Investments

 There are two important parameters to consider when it comes to investing of any kind: resources and time.  How much emotion, work, and assets must you allocate to the investment?  And how much time will it take to see certain milestones, and how will you know the investment is paying off?  As a teacher, I'm in the business of investing in people.  What kind of resources and support will someone need to get to where they want to go, and how much time will that take them and you?

Even though everyone is worth investing into, some people are better investments than others.  Some show constant, linear progress, while some others boom like stocks when they split.  It's hard to predict which stocks will boom or bust, and when or if they will.  Even those "blue chip" stocks which show proven growth potential and performance can, one day, be sent into a downward spiral.

They say in finance that you should choose stocks that you like and can stand behind.  So that even if the stock rises or falls, you can still feel good about investing in something you believe in.  I find that is nowhere more true than with people.  If you love someone's spirit and heart, you'll be able to look past flaws, bad days, and the occasional breakdown.  At the end of the day, you know they are a beautiful person and they are trying the best that they can with the resources they have available to them.

Even so, being able to stand behind what they stand for doesn't change the fact that they may be a bad investment, no matter how much you want to root them on.  At some point, the resources and/or time that you've invested have to be called into question and accounted for.  Do you still want to sink in the same amount of resources that you used to?  Is that wise?  And how much more time do you want to spend investing before you have a clear answer that this is not something you should be investing in?  What's the cutoff?

Sometimes, we get caught in a sunk cost fallacy, where we feel that we have to continue investing in something because of how deeply invested we already are.  We must find clarity in realizing that what is lost is already lost and make our decisions based on what the next right move is, going forward, not making decisions based on past regrets.

Other times, we may disregard potential because we may not be able to make the proper investment of time to benefit from its full performance potential.  Instead, we choose an investment that has slightly less shine, only because it's further along in its growth, has some attractive qualities, and although it doesn't have the growth potential of a volatile newcomer, it's steady and predictable.  When does investing become gambling?  And are they ever not the same thing?

As a teacher, I know that even if I only had one day to spend inspiring and motivating a student, it would be time and energy well spent.  For even one poignant moment can stay etched into their memory forever.  And students, whether young or old, beginning or advanced, require and demand the attention and care that loving support can provide.  But where does that leave the teacher?  I suppose the answer is that they are left with a string of memories of those whose lives they have touched and the knowledge that they have made a difference.

At the end of the day, maybe the point of investing isn't to have the actual shares of stock that are irrefutable records of having made wise decisions.  Maybe stocks are meant to come into our lives just as fast as they leave, to be bought and sold, and leave a string of memories of how we've interacted with the world at different vantage points in our lives.  Maybe we, ourselves, are the wise investment, and we are collecting our own supporters who will cheer us on whether our own stock is booming or goes bust?

Zero Sum Games

The ego is a tricky thing: in order for it to be valued, something else, somewhere, needs to be devalued.  If I am a good teacher, then there must be worse teachers out there.  If I am desirable, then that must mean there are less desirable people somewhere in the world.  We often live our lives in this dichotomy of "greater than" and "less than," a zero sum game where in order for one person to win, another has to lose.

I feel this when I get jealous.  When one person is taking their turn doing something you want to do, that automatically means that only one person gets to enjoy said thing at a time.  Therefore, that means that they are enjoying themselves when you are not.  As such, one person is winning, and the other person is losing.

The only scenario in which this isn't so cut and dried is in love.  When a mother watches her child eat ice cream and sees the expression of joy on their face, the mother experiences similar feelings of satisfaction. A friend is happy to hand the video game controller over to another friend because they know they are about to experience something great and they want them to not only have that experience but also to share it with them.  Love and the investment of time, energy, and emotion changes the zero sum game into something more additive, where both people can win at the same time.

I've been trying to learn about and experience polyamory, both from a philosophical and practical perspective.  In polyamory, there is a concept called "compersion" (which autocorrect wanted me to change to "comparison") which basically means you can experience happiness because your partner is happy.  This philosophy serves as the founding basis for open relationships, ethical non monogamy, etc.

  

Added to that is Esther Perel's assertion that an entire village is needed to support a singular person and that one person cannot be another person's everything: their lover, confidant, mentor, mentee, rival, and best friend.  She feels that we need many people, experiences, and activities to satisfy all of ourselves, then we bring those supportive experiences back into the relationship, thereby strengthening the bonds we already have in our relationships, careers, and with ourselves.

Love is meant to be additive, not zero sum.  Because I love the viola doesn't mean I can't or won't love T'ai Chi.  Yes, it may mean that I can't play the viola while doing T'ai Chi at the exact same time, but my departure from one allows me to have realizations and experiences that then help deepen the other.  Love as additive allows for evolution, growth, and change.  And what is the #1 killer of love?  Stasis.

Single Life

 So, for the last three months, I've been on my own, so to speak.  I ended a nearly 11-year relationship with Billy in November, and decided to move closer to work and try out solo poly.  In looking over my calendar, it looks like I dated 20 people within that time period (many of whom I slept with, many multiple times), and how bad is it that I spent a good five minutes trying to remember, "Who the fuck is Steven??" whom I apparently saw twice in January?

Fast forward to today, and I've ended all of my relationships with people except for with Anthony, the pro gamer whose 26th birthday is this Thursday.  I've deleted all of my dating apps and am reclaiming the time I spent responding to texts from people who didn't matter to me, marginalized me, or didn't know what they wanted and reinvesting that energy back into myself, my friends, and my career.  

I realized that the pure act of sex is not what I was craving all those months and years ago.  To be honest, I have better sex by myself with a toy and some good porn.  Plus, it doesn't come with the need to take a shower or put on makeup, or clean the house, to take care of someone's feelings, or ask what they'd like to drink.  No, what I was craving had nothing to do with genitalia.  

I was most turned on by making someone feel safe and provided for, loved, taken care of, so that they could take that energy and feel enabled and supported enough to pursue their true potential.  Billy was that for me for so long: wounded, weak, vulnerable.  And I groomed him and built him up to be the perfect partner for me: loyal, self-sacrificing, obedient, loving.  I gave him time, energy, money, experiences, love; and I had hoped that he would practice alchemy and transmute those things into power, wealth, confidence, strength, and resilience.  But that never happened.  Were they the wrong ingredients?  The wrong crucibles?  Or is that just not how alchemy works in the first place?

I don't like being single.  I feel like my energy is being wasted and is being under-utilized.  This is the closest I've come to understanding how homeowners feel about renting: "You're just throwing away money at that point."  I want to invest, and provide, and protect.  I want to see something come out of my efforts.  Maybe it's not having children or battling cancer that has made me seek legacy, and maybe choosing a profession in education hits too close to home, but I want to create something that can progress and grow directly because of me and my efforts.  It's one of the reasons that I hate games that you can't save and progress in; what's the point of sinking time and energy into something that just constantly resets every single time?

Come what may, I think it's time to stop feeding energy into systems which lead to stasis.  I am the Goddess of Life, after all.  My reason for being is to usher in growth and change, and also even death and decay.  Undulation, upheaval, repair, and restore; that is my essence.  It's time to lean in to Who I Am, why I'm here, and what I truly offer to this world.

Mother

When I was younger, my mother was the world to me. In my eyes, she was the quintessential woman: smart, strong, capable, beautiful, talented... She could literally do anything she set her mind on, a trait which I was glad to inherit from her. Anytime I needed saving, she was there to save me. Now that she's the one in need of saving, can I be strong enough for the both of us?

A lot has happened since I was that age. I grew up, lived some life, opened my eyes, and realized that my mother was not a god, but was, in fact, a very flawed mortal. She never trusted anyone but herself, saw no purpose for friendship and community, would betray you at the drop of a dime, and was a very selfish human being overall. There was even a point at which I decided to stop communicating with her completely as I saw her as an "evil organization" - one which limited my human potential.

Fast forward to today, and you'll find she has tenuous relationships with both of my older sisters (it's like we're an on-again, off-again family :P), leaving me as the only one to live in the family home, helping to pay the mortgage. However, the only thing I find myself wanting to do is move out.

My mother is self-employed (like myself), and runs her own business with its own long-time client base. But lately, she hasn't been going to work because she "doesn't feel like it". Instead, she's been partying with her friends, coming home late, drinking, bringing home random men - it's all just so gross! Combine that with the fact that she just cooks and eats and leaves her dishes everywhere... It's too much to take when I work so hard.

She may not speak English well enough to know what the word "enabling" means, but if I could figure out how to say the same word in Vietnamese, I'd walk right into her room right now and say, "Mom, I can't do this anymore. I'm 'chingchongchang'ing you to skip work and be ridiculous with your life by helping pay the mortgage on this house." Yeah, it would go something like that :P

Anyway, this has seriously got to stop. My sisters say I should have jumped ship a long time ago, but how can I abandon my own mother? She has helped me for so long. Isn't it time I help her? Or do I owe it to myself (and my sanity) to do what's right for my life? I feel so stuck... Oh! And for the record, I hope someone puts me out of my misery before I have a chance to get old and ridiculous ;)

Hate

I just don't understand why people are so willing to spread hate :( No one benefits from disseminating it, definitely not the recipients and I'd be willing to bet that the supporters of it do not either.

Hate seems to be a cycle - the more of it that we experience in life, the harder it is to let go and find resolution. And once hatred becomes a part of your life, you become a part of hatred. You no longer have ownership of your life because you are driven by hate and spreading the "gospel" seems to be the only way to achieve retribution. The only way to "free" oneself from the cycle is acceptance - not only of yourself and your circumstances but also accepting others and their circumstances as well.

We all know that it takes a big person to walk away from a volatile situation. On one hand, you can stay and fight for your beliefs, but the wise person understands that the only way to quiet hate is to silence it with a new brand of hate. It really is a never-ending cycle...

Do we find a solution by not acknowledging the hate that is directed towards us? Some people say that acknowledgement is empowerment. And therein may lie the secret: Hatred is a void - a void that must be filled with purpose and self-worth. By acknowledging the uniqueness and individuality within others outside of the emptiness, we give them a glimpse of what they are when they are not controlled.

Hate does make a difference. It gives us the opportunity to conceptualize and strengthen our resolve for what we hold in our hearts. And as they say, out of great hate can come great love, and the trick is passion. If we can learn to redirect passion, we win.

Life Without Resolve

So, I'm coming to this point in life where I'm starting to feel a terrible sense of worthlessness set in. It's not the self-loathing kind either. It's more of the type of thinking where I'm questioning whether anything has any worth or not. When I really start to think about it, I'm not sure anything in my life (or life in general) has any true meaning.

I think of life in a few ways. First, it's what we do - our actions, the things we say, how we decide (or not decide) what actions to take in a particular situation. Second, it's who we are - our principles, morals, ethics, ideals, and ideologies. And third, it's how others perceive us (or rather how we are received). Between all three, there forms a dance of how we interpret living, our choices, our worth, and the perceptions of the lives, choices, and worth of those around us.

It has occurred to me that these three facets of life serve as a checks & balance system, much like the US government was set up. For example, take the Grand Wizard of the KKK: He acts in a way which promotes racial supremacy, his beliefs are founded in the same vain, but there are many who do not agree with his life, choices, and worth. Take another example from Mother Theresa: She is regarded as one of history's greatest humanitarians, she holds the triumph of the human spirit, peace, and God in the highest regard, and yet she feels that she can never do enough to attain her goal in life.

I think it is this struggle that motivates each of us to do more, or to do things differently. Even though some aspects of ourselves may agree with each other and support one another, there will always be parts of ourselves that try to undo what we've worked so hard to accomplish. It is this feeling which pushes us to grow and become a greater example of what we once were, but it is also a double-edged sword. It can make us feel like we've trodden down the wrong path and don't know if what we've been doing has been productive or worth our time and effort.

It is here where resolve comes into play. Do you have the resolve to stay on the path and keep working towards your goals? Or have you been disappointed too many times and left with no control over your life that you simply lack the resolve to live and thrive? It certainly explains the lives of those who wish nothing more for themselves than bare minimums - maybe they are just tired of fighting for the ability to live the way they want to, so they just succumb to the way life has been laid out for them. Because although the path of least resistance offers no challenges and no inherent rewards, it is one solution which requires no acknowledgement of the true self to pursue.

So now that we've found the cure to the unexamined life as having resolve and the will to live according to one's true self, where does we find or culture a sense of resolve in ourselves?