Single Life

 So, for the last three months, I've been on my own, so to speak.  I ended a nearly 11-year relationship with Billy in November, and decided to move closer to work and try out solo poly.  In looking over my calendar, it looks like I dated 20 people within that time period (many of whom I slept with, many multiple times), and how bad is it that I spent a good five minutes trying to remember, "Who the fuck is Steven??" whom I apparently saw twice in January?

Fast forward to today, and I've ended all of my relationships with people except for with Anthony, the pro gamer whose 26th birthday is this Thursday.  I've deleted all of my dating apps and am reclaiming the time I spent responding to texts from people who didn't matter to me, marginalized me, or didn't know what they wanted and reinvesting that energy back into myself, my friends, and my career.  

I realized that the pure act of sex is not what I was craving all those months and years ago.  To be honest, I have better sex by myself with a toy and some good porn.  Plus, it doesn't come with the need to take a shower or put on makeup, or clean the house, to take care of someone's feelings, or ask what they'd like to drink.  No, what I was craving had nothing to do with genitalia.  

I was most turned on by making someone feel safe and provided for, loved, taken care of, so that they could take that energy and feel enabled and supported enough to pursue their true potential.  Billy was that for me for so long: wounded, weak, vulnerable.  And I groomed him and built him up to be the perfect partner for me: loyal, self-sacrificing, obedient, loving.  I gave him time, energy, money, experiences, love; and I had hoped that he would practice alchemy and transmute those things into power, wealth, confidence, strength, and resilience.  But that never happened.  Were they the wrong ingredients?  The wrong crucibles?  Or is that just not how alchemy works in the first place?

I don't like being single.  I feel like my energy is being wasted and is being under-utilized.  This is the closest I've come to understanding how homeowners feel about renting: "You're just throwing away money at that point."  I want to invest, and provide, and protect.  I want to see something come out of my efforts.  Maybe it's not having children or battling cancer that has made me seek legacy, and maybe choosing a profession in education hits too close to home, but I want to create something that can progress and grow directly because of me and my efforts.  It's one of the reasons that I hate games that you can't save and progress in; what's the point of sinking time and energy into something that just constantly resets every single time?

Come what may, I think it's time to stop feeding energy into systems which lead to stasis.  I am the Goddess of Life, after all.  My reason for being is to usher in growth and change, and also even death and decay.  Undulation, upheaval, repair, and restore; that is my essence.  It's time to lean in to Who I Am, why I'm here, and what I truly offer to this world.