Zero Sum Games

The ego is a tricky thing: in order for it to be valued, something else, somewhere, needs to be devalued.  If I am a good teacher, then there must be worse teachers out there.  If I am desirable, then that must mean there are less desirable people somewhere in the world.  We often live our lives in this dichotomy of "greater than" and "less than," a zero sum game where in order for one person to win, another has to lose.

I feel this when I get jealous.  When one person is taking their turn doing something you want to do, that automatically means that only one person gets to enjoy said thing at a time.  Therefore, that means that they are enjoying themselves when you are not.  As such, one person is winning, and the other person is losing.

The only scenario in which this isn't so cut and dried is in love.  When a mother watches her child eat ice cream and sees the expression of joy on their face, the mother experiences similar feelings of satisfaction. A friend is happy to hand the video game controller over to another friend because they know they are about to experience something great and they want them to not only have that experience but also to share it with them.  Love and the investment of time, energy, and emotion changes the zero sum game into something more additive, where both people can win at the same time.

I've been trying to learn about and experience polyamory, both from a philosophical and practical perspective.  In polyamory, there is a concept called "compersion" (which autocorrect wanted me to change to "comparison") which basically means you can experience happiness because your partner is happy.  This philosophy serves as the founding basis for open relationships, ethical non monogamy, etc.

  

Added to that is Esther Perel's assertion that an entire village is needed to support a singular person and that one person cannot be another person's everything: their lover, confidant, mentor, mentee, rival, and best friend.  She feels that we need many people, experiences, and activities to satisfy all of ourselves, then we bring those supportive experiences back into the relationship, thereby strengthening the bonds we already have in our relationships, careers, and with ourselves.

Love is meant to be additive, not zero sum.  Because I love the viola doesn't mean I can't or won't love T'ai Chi.  Yes, it may mean that I can't play the viola while doing T'ai Chi at the exact same time, but my departure from one allows me to have realizations and experiences that then help deepen the other.  Love as additive allows for evolution, growth, and change.  And what is the #1 killer of love?  Stasis.