In the same way that the biblical Samson's hair was the source of his strength and power, I think women derive a great deal of worth and self-confidence from their hair. Much like a woman feeling feminine after a mastectomy, there is something emasculating/de-feminizing about having to lose a core physical trait which defines one as a woman in today's society.
Hair loss can occur after a traumatic or stressful event, and can even include fevers and illness, like Covid. It had never occurred to me that my breakup with Billy could be so dramatic for me. But I suppose, in hindsight, it was. I was juggling talking with many different people with different wants and needs and trying to see how I could fit into their lives. I was looking for a new place to live, with searches often ending in failure and disappointment, leaving me feeling defeated and desperate. I was dealing with studio recitals and youth orchestra concerts, and the dissolution of a conducting job which I had wanted for so long, years before. I was struggling with loneliness, worth, sexual validity, and building my life back up, one Target run at a time.
Looking forward, the hair loss I'm experiencing is symbolic: it is a literal shedding of my past self. Who I was, who I've been, is literally not there anymore. My hair was simply the last vestige of that. I'm 23 lbs lighter than I was in November, actively go to the gym three times per week, cook and clean and maintain a home by myself, and am invested only in providing for and taking care of myself. Like a caterpillar casting off its former body to morph into a butterfly, if losing my hair is what it takes to get me to evolve, then it's a small and worthy price to pay to see my true self on the other side.
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