I've been struggling with my health lately. My labs came back and my low HDL cholesterol levels indicate someone that is either obese and at risk of a heart attack or has a marker for cancer. I'm not surprised as my fatigue levels have been very high. I feel like an old iPhone that just can't keep a charge.
Everyone around me has been very supportive and is encouraging me to fight. However, I've been getting tired of fighting. For what? To get old in order to retire? To try to make as much money as I can when others do it so much better? To not have strong bonds with family and friends to support me? To live for my students and professional community when I am truly not an important part of any of their lives?
The older I get, the more pointless it seems to work hard and try to live a grand existence. That may be a life of service and purpose, but it's in the moments where I get to hug Anthony or cuddle with the cats where I feel most alive. It's those times where I'm not fighting to exist, but getting to simply exist instead that make me forget how tired I am. All these ambitions just leave me in a state of lack and feeling "lesser than".
It's funny to think how a grocery list is there to remind you of what you don't have and need to try to procure. A long to-do list is essentially the opposite of gratitude: "Concentrate on all the things you don't have instead of that which you do." The things that eat away at me are creating an online program to create passive income, to make/save/invest wisely enough to buy a house/retire/travel if I so desire, to find the people who will feed my body/mind/soul, to be useful/loved/important. These are all things which directly tell me that I am not enough yet.
It's in the moments when I'm with Anthony, the cats, and meditating where I feel no sense of lack or need to perform. I am simply me, and the enoughness I feel fills me up instead of leaving me drained. *I* feel alive. Not the me tomorrow, not the me yesterday. Who I Am, in my body. Right. Now.
No comments:
Post a Comment