Mother

When I was younger, my mother was the world to me. In my eyes, she was the quintessential woman: smart, strong, capable, beautiful, talented... She could literally do anything she set her mind on, a trait which I was glad to inherit from her. Anytime I needed saving, she was there to save me. Now that she's the one in need of saving, can I be strong enough for the both of us?

A lot has happened since I was that age. I grew up, lived some life, opened my eyes, and realized that my mother was not a god, but was, in fact, a very flawed mortal. She never trusted anyone but herself, saw no purpose for friendship and community, would betray you at the drop of a dime, and was a very selfish human being overall. There was even a point at which I decided to stop communicating with her completely as I saw her as an "evil organization" - one which limited my human potential.

Fast forward to today, and you'll find she has tenuous relationships with both of my older sisters (it's like we're an on-again, off-again family :P), leaving me as the only one to live in the family home, helping to pay the mortgage. However, the only thing I find myself wanting to do is move out.

My mother is self-employed (like myself), and runs her own business with its own long-time client base. But lately, she hasn't been going to work because she "doesn't feel like it". Instead, she's been partying with her friends, coming home late, drinking, bringing home random men - it's all just so gross! Combine that with the fact that she just cooks and eats and leaves her dishes everywhere... It's too much to take when I work so hard.

She may not speak English well enough to know what the word "enabling" means, but if I could figure out how to say the same word in Vietnamese, I'd walk right into her room right now and say, "Mom, I can't do this anymore. I'm 'chingchongchang'ing you to skip work and be ridiculous with your life by helping pay the mortgage on this house." Yeah, it would go something like that :P

Anyway, this has seriously got to stop. My sisters say I should have jumped ship a long time ago, but how can I abandon my own mother? She has helped me for so long. Isn't it time I help her? Or do I owe it to myself (and my sanity) to do what's right for my life? I feel so stuck... Oh! And for the record, I hope someone puts me out of my misery before I have a chance to get old and ridiculous ;)

Hate

I just don't understand why people are so willing to spread hate :( No one benefits from disseminating it, definitely not the recipients and I'd be willing to bet that the supporters of it do not either.

Hate seems to be a cycle - the more of it that we experience in life, the harder it is to let go and find resolution. And once hatred becomes a part of your life, you become a part of hatred. You no longer have ownership of your life because you are driven by hate and spreading the "gospel" seems to be the only way to achieve retribution. The only way to "free" oneself from the cycle is acceptance - not only of yourself and your circumstances but also accepting others and their circumstances as well.

We all know that it takes a big person to walk away from a volatile situation. On one hand, you can stay and fight for your beliefs, but the wise person understands that the only way to quiet hate is to silence it with a new brand of hate. It really is a never-ending cycle...

Do we find a solution by not acknowledging the hate that is directed towards us? Some people say that acknowledgement is empowerment. And therein may lie the secret: Hatred is a void - a void that must be filled with purpose and self-worth. By acknowledging the uniqueness and individuality within others outside of the emptiness, we give them a glimpse of what they are when they are not controlled.

Hate does make a difference. It gives us the opportunity to conceptualize and strengthen our resolve for what we hold in our hearts. And as they say, out of great hate can come great love, and the trick is passion. If we can learn to redirect passion, we win.

Life Without Resolve

So, I'm coming to this point in life where I'm starting to feel a terrible sense of worthlessness set in. It's not the self-loathing kind either. It's more of the type of thinking where I'm questioning whether anything has any worth or not. When I really start to think about it, I'm not sure anything in my life (or life in general) has any true meaning.

I think of life in a few ways. First, it's what we do - our actions, the things we say, how we decide (or not decide) what actions to take in a particular situation. Second, it's who we are - our principles, morals, ethics, ideals, and ideologies. And third, it's how others perceive us (or rather how we are received). Between all three, there forms a dance of how we interpret living, our choices, our worth, and the perceptions of the lives, choices, and worth of those around us.

It has occurred to me that these three facets of life serve as a checks & balance system, much like the US government was set up. For example, take the Grand Wizard of the KKK: He acts in a way which promotes racial supremacy, his beliefs are founded in the same vain, but there are many who do not agree with his life, choices, and worth. Take another example from Mother Theresa: She is regarded as one of history's greatest humanitarians, she holds the triumph of the human spirit, peace, and God in the highest regard, and yet she feels that she can never do enough to attain her goal in life.

I think it is this struggle that motivates each of us to do more, or to do things differently. Even though some aspects of ourselves may agree with each other and support one another, there will always be parts of ourselves that try to undo what we've worked so hard to accomplish. It is this feeling which pushes us to grow and become a greater example of what we once were, but it is also a double-edged sword. It can make us feel like we've trodden down the wrong path and don't know if what we've been doing has been productive or worth our time and effort.

It is here where resolve comes into play. Do you have the resolve to stay on the path and keep working towards your goals? Or have you been disappointed too many times and left with no control over your life that you simply lack the resolve to live and thrive? It certainly explains the lives of those who wish nothing more for themselves than bare minimums - maybe they are just tired of fighting for the ability to live the way they want to, so they just succumb to the way life has been laid out for them. Because although the path of least resistance offers no challenges and no inherent rewards, it is one solution which requires no acknowledgement of the true self to pursue.

So now that we've found the cure to the unexamined life as having resolve and the will to live according to one's true self, where does we find or culture a sense of resolve in ourselves?

Grammar Nazi

Shit... I just said "give head well" instead of "give good head"... See what tutoring english has done to me!!! LOL :P Like that's gonna fly in the bedroom... hehe

I'm back

I'm sitting here typing to you from Sunny San Diego today :) As you may know, I've been hospitalized and am at home with family recovering right now. I'd just like to say thank you for all of you who sent your thoughts and best wishes my way - they were greatly appreciated! :D Being in the hospital gives you a lot to think about...

Firstly, whoever said television rots the brain was wrong... I've learned so much from watching gobs of TV this past week! I've learned how to decorate, cook, other house-wifey things, etc... ok... so maybe the Japanese game shows weren't very educational... but everything else was, I swear! ;)

Second, I think it's really scary that someone who's 21 y/o - someone who's supposedly at the peak of health - can just die like that. I stand by the fact that I almost died. Thank God for my sisters. Otherwise, I might not be well enough to be typing right now. It gets me feeling like people should enjoy more now and worry less. I mean, I'm a money hoarder... but what's the point of saving for the future when 1) you're not enjoying the present and 2) you may not even get to see your future? So, go out on a limb today and treat yourself to a special snack and hug someone you care about... snacks are yummy and hugs are free :)

Lastly, I totally can't believe what happened to me... a guy drugged my drink and because of it, I almost died. Seriously, that is so lame! A guy who drugs drinks to get laid has got to be one desperate bastard. I'm so angry at the guy who did it to me :( It infuriates me that people just hurt others to get what they want - would everyone just stop fucking being malicious??? If you have a choice between buying a daterape drug and buying a prostitute, buy the prostitute... they're guaranteed to be more lively ;)

CHRIS - Quyen was Hospitalized - ill now

For everyone wondering where Quyen's been the past few days, or how come she hasn't been blogging lately, especially given the blog was beginning to gather a momentum all its own, I have some news. You may want to prepare yourself for this. Last Friday, Quyen traveled to San Diego to celebrate her older sister's birthday, the middle child, although the birthday was technically on Thursday. Jenni, the sister in question, Newton - Jenni's boyfriend, Michelle, Quyen's oldest sister, and some friends of theirs went out to eat at a nice restaurant - $300 bill, and then decided to hit a club. Unfortunately, Quyen consumed a Long Island Iced Tea at the restaurant, and had herself another drink at a club later that night - not much for the average person. However, the alcohol thinned Quyen's blood. Also, Newton, Jenni, and Michelle suspect that someone drugged their drinks at the club because they all reported a strange taste, and feeling funny. The drugs gave Quyen a 102.7 fever that night. After hitting the club, everyone went home to Quyen's mommy's house and talked the night away. At around 4:00 am, Newton and Jenni heard Quyen having trouble breathing. She was gasping in pain each time she took a breath. Her breathing got to be so bad, that her family rushed her to the hospital that night. Sometime between gasping for air and being admitted to the hospital, Quyen began coughing up large amounts of blood up. At the hospital, she was admitted into a plastic room, like in Outbreak and other hazardous disease movies and with the doctors walking around in suits. Since then, she was moved to another room, where still doctors and family were advised to wear protection lest they get ill themselves. Yesterday, she was finally taken off life-support only to stop breathing several minutes later - she was placed right back on the life support. The doctors have been running tests since Saturday morning, and finally today ruled that Quyen's lungs have been bleeding and that's why she's coughing up blood. They also have a theory that Quyen became extraordinarily sick because the combination of thinned blood and drugged drinks makes the body extremeley susceptible to opportunistic infection. The effect was worse though because she has been fighting off a form of pneumonia that doctors are guessing has been with her for about three to four years now. When Quyen's immune defenses went down, the pneumonia attacked with a vengeance. At the moment, she is at home with her family. She is by no means doing 'well' but without health insurance she could not afford to continue staying at the hospital much longer. Her two-day costs are around $8,000 now. Presently, she can't do much more than walk on a level floor, and has the hardest of times even opening a juice drink. Her breathing is very labored. For those of you who've watched Star Wars - she sounds a bit like Darth Vader. Breathing is extra-difficult for her because, to begin with, one of her lungs has already been wasted away by another disease a few years back, and the other, to a lesser degree, was also damaged. To give you an idea of how ill she is: if she forgets to take a pill, death may happen, if she takes a shower the wrong way or without assistance - death again. Stress, like with any illness, also makes things worse. I thought I'd write this blog to diminish her stress about how her blog community is doing, and to let you in on what's happening in the event that she's someone special to you. If you'd like to, I'm sure she'd more than appreciate you sending your best wishes and thoughts in the comments section.

- her boyfriend

School and After-School Snacks

First off, I got my first A ever in my ANTH 315 class! I couldn't believe that I actually scored higher than the C+ and B- grades I've been getting so far on these stupid essays! I guess changing your writing style to get the grade you want really DOES work! :) The funny thing was that I wrote that paper in like 2 hours... much like today when I wrote this week's paper 3 hours before class!

When I get stressed out, I eat... a lot... but at least I'm trying to surround myself with healthy snacking alternatives... like fruit in a cup and applesauce and V8 Splash and stuff like that :) I'm trying not to load up on empty calories these days... what with the 20 extra lbs. and all :P

I picked up a super kewl snack food @ Walmart the other day... individually sized bags of popcorn! I couldn't believe it! I was so excited that they came in all sorts of flavors! I got kettle corn since that's my fave :) The size is just perfect for dinner and movie for one or to share with a friend (make sure your friend is not greedy) :P The bag has room enough for just one hand and it's super portable! I really like this whole portion control popcorn bag idea... I'm putting this one right up there with my spin brush ;)