Resolution

I guess I have to begin this entry with a little story... I’ve been dating since I was 15 y/o (and mind you, I've had a fake ID since I was 15 too)... So, I wasn’t just meeting retarded high school boys... Even though I’d go out on dates, I never held hands with any of them... or kissed any of them... or had sex or anything... because I was saving all of myself for Mr. Right... this guy I dreamt about who was everything I ever wanted in a man... clever, funny, sweet, sexy, fit, the list goes on and on... and on, even ;) Well, when I was 17 y/o, I thought I had found him... Mr. Right... he was 17 y/o too... he matched my “qualifications” perfectly! Over time, this was the boy who I first held hands with... who I first kissed... and who I lost my virginity to. It was wonderful! He took me to Homecoming... we paged love notes to each other endlessly (because that was back in the day of pagers)... it was like it was out of a movie... the only problem was that we lived 3 hours away from each other... I lived in San Diego and he lived in Pasadena... Sadly, he ended up cheating on me... and broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces :( I never got over that... that he cheated on me and I gave all my firsts to him instead of someone who would have treated me better... and over time, I realized our “relationship” was entirely sexual, save going out to eat or watching movies (which we never got through because we’d be having sex half way through) So, for years, I dealt with the fact that not only was I a bad judge of character (having given myself up to someone like him) but I was also an idiot because there was never any real basis for having the feelings I had for him in the first place! In fact, I don’t think we ever just laid in bed and not had sex! Maybe I’m wrong in this... but I really do blame him for taking my innocence... he never had to cheat on me or lie to me and tell me he loved me when he didn’t... I always just wished that he could have just respected me and either told me the truth of his intentions or left me alone in the first place... For a long time, it was the biggest mistake of my life and every other b/f I’ve had had to deal with his crimes... I even lost hope that I could ever be happy again :(

Which brings us to tonite... the same guy came over tonite to pick me up and take me out to dinner and a movie in celebration of my Bday (which is on Sunday)... We ended up going to a sushi bar (reminiscent of our very first date) and we talked all about our plans for the future and how we’ve changed and who we are now and just everything! I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher! After dinner, we drove to the movie theater, but the movie we were going to see was all sold out :( So, he’s just like... “Let’s go back to your place and figure something out... maybe we can rent a movie or something”

So, we get back to my place and we both just sit on the couch and start talking... and then we start talking about the past... and I’m just telling him how I’ve felt ever since high school... how I never got over it... how I just now got back the ability to be innocent and open because of Chris... and he’s just like, “What happened between us is seriously one of the 3 biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life” to which I respond, “Choosing you to be my first was definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my life... but I never wanted to be wrong about you... I never wanted to admit to myself that you were inherently a bad person but simply that things didn’t work out between us... I’ve always wanted to think of you as a good person... someone I could have been proud to be with... because then I wouldn’t feel like I was such a bad judge of character” and then he’s like, “Quyen, I’m so lucky and appreciative that even though I did the things I did to you, you have it in your heart to forgive me and be my good friend. That means so much to me” and I’m like, “You'll always have a place in my heart... even if you did do the things you did to me... There was a time when I just wanted to go to LA and slash your tires... but I’d rather be your friend than your enemy”

Then, we started talking about why things didn’t work out and how we were 3 hours away and we didn’t have the freedom or the means to have anything truly meaningful when we were both in high school... and how we didn’t have a fighting chance etc etc...

Then we’re sitting there and he’s just like, “I don’t think it’s wise if we see each other ever again” and I’m like “Why???” and he says, “Honestly, since we started talking again, I’ve gotten to know who Quyen really is and I think I’m falling in love with that person... and if I kept on seeing you, I know I would fall for you completely... and I would die inside knowing that I’m so in love with you and couldn’t do anything about it... I definitely feel you have a future with Chris, and I don't want to impede that because you being happy is way more important than whatever happens with us”

So, he got up and went to the door and turned around and asked me for one last hug... So, we hugged and for the first time ever, I had resolution... I could finally put away the ghost of the less than perfect relationship we had behind us... I finally felt like I could have been something to him... more than just some girl he fucked in high school... but someone he could have really fallen in love with... and for me, someone who I could have been happy having as my first... instead of the one thing I’ve regretted for years...

And I was happy... happy to know I wasn’t wrong about him... that in a different time and a different place... we could have been happy together... he could have been Mr. Right... happy to know I wasn’t a bad judge of character... and in a way, happy to know that, in an alternate reality, I could’ve been happy with my first... Now, I can remember him the way I should have all these years...

At long last... peace.

Epiphany

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that there will always be a place in your heart for those people whom you've loved in the past. One of my ex b/fs was in a really bad car accident yesterday and I went to see him. I'm not sure what possessed me to drop everything and go... but I did... I'd like to think it was because he still had a place in my heart and me in his... that maybe if I were in an accident, he'd drop everything and rush to my bedside too. By the time I got to the hospital, he was already in intensive care. From what I heard, he was driving around 90 on the freeway, someone cut him off, he lost control and his truck toppled over. Thankfully, his daughter wasn't in the passenger seat... I'd just die if I had to see her in a bed next to him.

All of us were there... people I remember from when we were together and others I didn't know... but we were all there because we loved him... and even though we each had different stories to tell and different memories to recollect, there was an understanding that connected us all.

I had a lot of time to think because I stayed at the hospital from 7pm to 7am. He'll probably wake up and worry about his car and where he's gonna find money to pay for the hospital bills... but, to me, that's not what really matters. What really matters isn't the fact that his truck got totalled or that he'll be unable to work and make money for weeks to come... what matters is that he's alive... and that he still has the opportunity to help and love those around him. What matters is whether or not there will be enough love around him to help him recover because we won't be remembered for the trust funds we leave behind but the memories and love that we've shared with others. I know I'll always remember the time I shared with him.

It scared me. Even though I wasn't with him or loved him in the way that I used to, I was scared... scared for his daughter, and others that depended on him in their own lives... It scared me because I had empathy for them... for if the person who was most important to me in my life were torn away from me... well, let's just say I cried alot... and, selfishly, not for my ex or his loved ones.

Chris is the world to me. I kept thinking... what if? What if it's not even an accident? What if he just leaves? What if I, too, never get a chance to show him what he means to me? What if? What if... I kept thinking about the past week... what we've uncovered... what I've learned... and a deep sense of regret swelled up inside of me... Above all, I wanted him to know for himself that the time he's spent with me was worth every second...

every...

second...

Lady Be Good

The walls came down last nite and I admitted a lot of things to myself, including the logic that underwrote why I'm "never happy" and "always finding the faults in our relationship". I've always known how I acted when it came to things like this... However, I never analyzed it in the terms of if it's really conducive to a good relationship or not... I always tried to work out the kinks in the relationship because I knew that if we could solve problems when they first occurred, or even pre-emptively, then we would have nothing to worry about when those things came up in the future... The thing I didn't realize was that when the "problems" had come to a conclusion that I deemed "successful", I never paid it any congratulations... To me, it was just another thing I didn't have to worry about... another thing to add to my relationship dossier and nothing more. This was not the way to pursue a "happy relationship" because, by definition, the word happy denotes that it should be enjoyable and pleasing... and it seems to make sense that always working to eradicate the bad was not as pleasurable as revelling in what was good about the relationship bond. You know, last nite, I forced myself to go through all the good thoughts that crossed my mind randomly during the week and list them right down the line... and I cried... because all this time I spent fighting and being disagreeable to further an unrighteous goal could have been better spent sifting over all the good points (points that were superior to others' relationships) and most importantly, just enjoying each other for what we have... I cried because I realized how wonderful our relationship really is... and I felt guilty for slowly and methodically destroying what we had strived to work for... He couldn't tell me how he felt anymore because he didn't trust that I'd listen or react kindly, he always felt like I thought the relationship was always dying because I always concentrated on the worst traits, and he felt like I wasn't willing to fight and help him during the hard times of the relationship... I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything I could to make sure he feels that he can always voice his opinions and thoughts without fear of me threatening the relationship, that I'd make sure that both he and I knew how I felt about the positive aspects of the relationship and there was no question that I did or did not enjoy being a part of that, and, above all, that he knows that I care about this relationship and am invested in it 100% because, truly, what we have is the most solid and wonderful thing in my life and I'd never let that go without a fight.

The Past

It's interesting... Chris and I went through a bunch of IM convos we had early on when we first were getting to know each other and other times when we were fighting, etc... I had to take a step back... saying or thinking the same things aren't so novel anymore like they once were... We know each other a lot better now... We don't even have to guess... it's just a result of a lot of the work we put into the relationship... But now... I read these things... and I see how I acted... knowing what I know now... knowing that I'd put his hapiness before the relationship... I was so SELFISH! :( For the first time, I truly saw what had been plaguing him all these months... I thought I knew... but I didn't... I didn't know at all... I was so stupid to think that he could "just get over it"

All the things I used to say to defend myself are moot... How can I have been so ignorant to think that the excuses I gave really justified my behavior? I really am ashamed of myself... Not only did I see a raw, objective retelling of the situation... but I also saw this entirely different person... someone who put her needs and her desires before the person she supposedly loved... How can I defend that?!?

All this time, I didn't truly know what I had said and done... my recollection of the events were always marred by my current feelings at the time... even up until today... I feel so fake and superficial... like nothing I've said to him when we were first getting to know each other was really with him in mind... I was so busy taking care of myself that it seems like I couldn't have possibly been interested in his thoughts and feelings... and yet, I want to tell myself that he's meant so much to me even since the beginning... but with proof like IM transcripts... how can I? :(

Class Schedule or Daunting Task?

Hi everyone! I'm standing here typing on a CSU-Pomona computer waiting for Chris to get off work... He's sick. So, last nite I came over to try to take care of him when I actually just succeeded in keeping him up :P Bad me... Anyway, I've been trying to plan my class schedule for the next 3 semesters... Only 46 units to graduate... Yay :) That's like 15 units per semester... With part-time jobs and work-study, that will be a challenging, yet manageable, schedule :)

So, here's where the hard part comes in... I'm inspired to take some classes in subjects I don't know or really suck at... Science is something I REALLY suck at... and I was thinking, "Gee, what if my kid has science homework one day and I'm totally useless in being able to help him?" I'd be like all the other clueless moms across the country! The ones that never went to college, blah, blah, blah... So, shuddering, I make a vow to learn at least a little about the stuff I'm totally clueless in... Now, which science to choose? God, I hate all of them!

Biology? Physics? Chemistry? It all rushes past me in this blur of late nite frustration, broken test tubes, and of course, the science fair project gone awry... But here's the cincher... I need to take at least one upper-division science class! Great! Not only do I suck... but I'll be writing a 2,500 word paper on how much I really suck... At least I can write :P

But the worst part has to be where I ask which classes to take and Chris comes back with, "Well babe, I'm not saying ur not intelligent enough... but you just may not have enough to pull an upper-division science class off... I mean, even science majors try to avoid taking upper-division science courses... and Lit. majors? They know not to do it... That's like asking to fail" Okay. Now, I understand the whole Quyen sucks at science deal... and I understand it's upper-division for a reason... but c'mon... give me some credit... if not for my masterful command of the sciences (Ha! I made a pun!) then at least for my persevering nature! Wait... what persevering nature is that??? Great! I'm fucked...

CHRIS - Frustration in Teacher-landia Dos

Today proved to be more of the same, from 9 in the morning to lunch time. Teachers again, stood before the faculty explaining their projects, philosophies and grading procedures, but rather than taking a critical perspective and owning up to the weaknesses, which everyone already sees, in their work, they took a defensive stance and did not allow for examination of issues central to the direction the school is headed.

However, the principal managed to put into play an idea she had been tossing around, and thus salvaged, at least to some extent, the morning. She and her vice-principal read through all the evaluations and converns that had been brought up in writing the past few days. They then posted a series of large white posters along the walls of the hallway adjacent to us. On each poster was written one of the major issues, and people could write down what they thought was and wasn't working within each area. This gave the more reserved, or disrespected among the faculty to have their voice heard without having to defend themselves against the vitriole of the more vocal, or "experienced" teachers.

Allow me to clarify. There is a perception on our campus that those who are either older, or have more years of experience working on our site, have more important things to say than the rest of us. So bad was this, that someone had the audacity to say they found it disrespectful and ignorant of "new" teachers to make any comments contrary to that of the "experienced" personel. I, finally having had enough, and dealing with a fever of around 102, told them their opinions were a most gross form of elitism and ageism, and that they must learn to process the reality that old does not necessarily mean smarter; if anything, they refuse to adopt change and cling to practices which, I found today, have been invalidated all across California.

So heated did things become when the "oldtimers" read the concerns of the staff, that they started a debate, which degenerated into an argument, in the hallway, while college classes were taking place. No one had the sense of mind, or courage, to express themselves and refute what was said. Dismayed, I walked over and took up the cause, enraging the twefth grade math teacher. His arguments are as follows: 1) He would rather cater to the average student than meet the needs of a small population (the low and high-skilled achievers), 2) His math program works even though students are not succeeding at the college level, 3) He's worked seven years on this math program so he must be close to something, 4) He doesn't want to waste the effort he put into the previous seven years, and 5) It's "apparently" impossible to teach Algebra to ninth graders, or Geometry and so on up the grade level ladder.

My answer to this is that: 1) A school must meet the needs of all students, 2) A program which does not equip students to succeed at the college level is not one that "works" 3) Spending more time on something does not necessarily guarantee success. Isaac Newton never uncovered the secrets to alchemy, and, if I, and several other teachers across California, were to attempt to construct a car from cotton candy and Kit-Kats and failed to achieve our goals after seven years, something should tell us that the plan is inherently flawed. 4) Putting forth no effort to change things for the better is the calling card of the boring and ineffective teachers who make school a chore for children. 5) It most definitely is possible to teach a different level of math each year; it's been done in schools across the country. I don't understand where the impossibility comes in teaching Algebra or Geometry to freshmen when the current program aims to teach them pieces of every math sub-category. How is it that teaching less material in an in-depth way is considered worse than superficially exposing students to each type of math? A system in which you have to review the same material year after year because the superficiality and lack of connection to any discipline makes it so that students can not retain information.

Peace :P I'll write about something more positive in the coming days, and hopefully shake off this fever that makes me not want to deal with systemic abuses anymore.

Book-A-Minute Classics: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

This is the funniest thing I've seen today... Enjoy! ;)