When I think of all the times and places where I've felt isolated, estranged, and having to survive on my own, this wave of smallness and imprisonment washes over me. My life has always been on the outside, of having to be more and do more to get on the inside. And when I couldn't get on the inside? I had to forge an entirely different path to get to my destination.
Nothing has been easy for me, whether it has been surviving the gap in my worth from child abuse, or finding acceptance from my tribe during transition, or even in forging my career. I've always had to find my way alone. I could never depend on my father to protect and to love me. I could never trust that others didn't want to take me down as a competitive threat. I could never look forward to that feeling that people were rooting for you and wanted you to succeed. All my life, I've been the underdog, the one you counted out, the disabled one. But those experiences forged me into an absolute monster. I am strong beyond belief: mentally, physically, spiritually. And it's that same strength which prevents me from truly experiencing the fullness of Who I Am and my presence in consciousness.
The act of identifying with strength is that it leaves no room for Unity. To be egoically "strong" is to deny the tender, sensitive, and vulnerable aspects of the whole self. Those parts of myself (places that are not allowed to see the light of day) have become the very thing that eats away at my soul, my source of pain and suffering. "I can't show them who I really am, or they won't love/respect/fear me." "If people knew how weak I truly was, they would abandon me, like all the times before."
It occurs to me just now that all the times when I showed my complete Wholeness, those around me abandoned me, and so I learned that being strong was the antidote to those feelings of betrayal and abandonment. And what keeps the structures of strength and independence intact is the fear of abandonment. "I have to be strong; otherwise, they will abandon me again." "They will not see my worth if I don't put up this front; I am not worthy."
I realize now why I choose to battle alone: cancer, career, love, life. I'm too deathly afraid that I will be disappointed and abandoned again, like all the times before. I'm not sure my little heart can even survive another infraction. Thinking about it now makes me feel sad and small and on the verge of tears. But the silver lining here is that in learning not to depend on others, I have come to rely on and trust myself. I am absolutely the right investment to make, with a history of incredible ROI.
What can bring down the cage I've placed around my heart? "Beauty and the Beast" comes to mind. Creating a life of beauty which can reflect and serve as the mirror which can then unlock the Beauty within. I know my Beauty is not a person, and I also know it's not something outside of myself. It is found within, and it is available to me now. I will never abandon myself. I am grateful that I can see the Beauty within. Namaste.
