When watching the 5th episode of Moon Knight, we realize that Marc Spector completely fabricates his alter ego, Steven Grant, to deal with the trauma of his childhood. It made me really wonder how much we truly compensate for trying not to feel the pain that is inflicted on us, and even though Spector has dissociative identity disorder, is it really that different than the persona I've created to deal with my own past?
I saw my mother being hurt and abused, and vowed to be the woman that nobody could ever take advantage of. I get triggered when people underestimate me and welcome the challenge to become stronger, smarter, and wiser than anyone thought I could be. I take pride in my ability to be strong and unbreakable. But really, it's just a front for how truly weak I feel deep down inside.
In my meditations, I've been exploring why this cancer is back. Was it because of the breakup with Billy? Did Dani curse me, or did my mother? Or was it just a matter of time before my avoidance of my trauma caught up to me? Whatever the reason, I felt into the root of what this was, this E.O., and I realized that I've never felt safe or stable anywhere in my life, and I've always been trying to accomplish and work myself into a new future or a new set of skills or a new body - anything which wasn't my current set of circumstances. I've been so obsessed with being unhappy with who I am and where I am, that I mistook being uncomfortable in my own life for drive and ambition.
Maybe this cancer is the universe's way of truly getting my attention, instead of the gentle hints life has been throwing my way. "Get present with and become grateful for who you are and your life now, or else we'll take that very life away from you." It's compelling, I have to admit. You can't ignore the fatigue; it's so palpable. And so you're forced to look inwardly or lose everything. At the very least, ignoring it would be some incredibly twisted form of denial or radical acceptance. Having said that, I have made my peace with allowing myself grace if my time here on Earth has come to an end. What I'm not okay with is refusing to give myself the peace and security that I've craved all these years.
