Grammar Nazi

Shit... I just said "give head well" instead of "give good head"... See what tutoring english has done to me!!! LOL :P Like that's gonna fly in the bedroom... hehe

I'm back

I'm sitting here typing to you from Sunny San Diego today :) As you may know, I've been hospitalized and am at home with family recovering right now. I'd just like to say thank you for all of you who sent your thoughts and best wishes my way - they were greatly appreciated! :D Being in the hospital gives you a lot to think about...

Firstly, whoever said television rots the brain was wrong... I've learned so much from watching gobs of TV this past week! I've learned how to decorate, cook, other house-wifey things, etc... ok... so maybe the Japanese game shows weren't very educational... but everything else was, I swear! ;)

Second, I think it's really scary that someone who's 21 y/o - someone who's supposedly at the peak of health - can just die like that. I stand by the fact that I almost died. Thank God for my sisters. Otherwise, I might not be well enough to be typing right now. It gets me feeling like people should enjoy more now and worry less. I mean, I'm a money hoarder... but what's the point of saving for the future when 1) you're not enjoying the present and 2) you may not even get to see your future? So, go out on a limb today and treat yourself to a special snack and hug someone you care about... snacks are yummy and hugs are free :)

Lastly, I totally can't believe what happened to me... a guy drugged my drink and because of it, I almost died. Seriously, that is so lame! A guy who drugs drinks to get laid has got to be one desperate bastard. I'm so angry at the guy who did it to me :( It infuriates me that people just hurt others to get what they want - would everyone just stop fucking being malicious??? If you have a choice between buying a daterape drug and buying a prostitute, buy the prostitute... they're guaranteed to be more lively ;)

CHRIS - Quyen was Hospitalized - ill now

For everyone wondering where Quyen's been the past few days, or how come she hasn't been blogging lately, especially given the blog was beginning to gather a momentum all its own, I have some news. You may want to prepare yourself for this. Last Friday, Quyen traveled to San Diego to celebrate her older sister's birthday, the middle child, although the birthday was technically on Thursday. Jenni, the sister in question, Newton - Jenni's boyfriend, Michelle, Quyen's oldest sister, and some friends of theirs went out to eat at a nice restaurant - $300 bill, and then decided to hit a club. Unfortunately, Quyen consumed a Long Island Iced Tea at the restaurant, and had herself another drink at a club later that night - not much for the average person. However, the alcohol thinned Quyen's blood. Also, Newton, Jenni, and Michelle suspect that someone drugged their drinks at the club because they all reported a strange taste, and feeling funny. The drugs gave Quyen a 102.7 fever that night. After hitting the club, everyone went home to Quyen's mommy's house and talked the night away. At around 4:00 am, Newton and Jenni heard Quyen having trouble breathing. She was gasping in pain each time she took a breath. Her breathing got to be so bad, that her family rushed her to the hospital that night. Sometime between gasping for air and being admitted to the hospital, Quyen began coughing up large amounts of blood up. At the hospital, she was admitted into a plastic room, like in Outbreak and other hazardous disease movies and with the doctors walking around in suits. Since then, she was moved to another room, where still doctors and family were advised to wear protection lest they get ill themselves. Yesterday, she was finally taken off life-support only to stop breathing several minutes later - she was placed right back on the life support. The doctors have been running tests since Saturday morning, and finally today ruled that Quyen's lungs have been bleeding and that's why she's coughing up blood. They also have a theory that Quyen became extraordinarily sick because the combination of thinned blood and drugged drinks makes the body extremeley susceptible to opportunistic infection. The effect was worse though because she has been fighting off a form of pneumonia that doctors are guessing has been with her for about three to four years now. When Quyen's immune defenses went down, the pneumonia attacked with a vengeance. At the moment, she is at home with her family. She is by no means doing 'well' but without health insurance she could not afford to continue staying at the hospital much longer. Her two-day costs are around $8,000 now. Presently, she can't do much more than walk on a level floor, and has the hardest of times even opening a juice drink. Her breathing is very labored. For those of you who've watched Star Wars - she sounds a bit like Darth Vader. Breathing is extra-difficult for her because, to begin with, one of her lungs has already been wasted away by another disease a few years back, and the other, to a lesser degree, was also damaged. To give you an idea of how ill she is: if she forgets to take a pill, death may happen, if she takes a shower the wrong way or without assistance - death again. Stress, like with any illness, also makes things worse. I thought I'd write this blog to diminish her stress about how her blog community is doing, and to let you in on what's happening in the event that she's someone special to you. If you'd like to, I'm sure she'd more than appreciate you sending your best wishes and thoughts in the comments section.

- her boyfriend

School and After-School Snacks

First off, I got my first A ever in my ANTH 315 class! I couldn't believe that I actually scored higher than the C+ and B- grades I've been getting so far on these stupid essays! I guess changing your writing style to get the grade you want really DOES work! :) The funny thing was that I wrote that paper in like 2 hours... much like today when I wrote this week's paper 3 hours before class!

When I get stressed out, I eat... a lot... but at least I'm trying to surround myself with healthy snacking alternatives... like fruit in a cup and applesauce and V8 Splash and stuff like that :) I'm trying not to load up on empty calories these days... what with the 20 extra lbs. and all :P

I picked up a super kewl snack food @ Walmart the other day... individually sized bags of popcorn! I couldn't believe it! I was so excited that they came in all sorts of flavors! I got kettle corn since that's my fave :) The size is just perfect for dinner and movie for one or to share with a friend (make sure your friend is not greedy) :P The bag has room enough for just one hand and it's super portable! I really like this whole portion control popcorn bag idea... I'm putting this one right up there with my spin brush ;)

Adding Links

So, I've been trying to figure out how to add links of other people's blogs, but I have been woefully unsuccessful :( I use www.blogger.com (aka blogspot) Does anyone know how to add links to the HTML code and WHERE in the code I should add it? Hmnn... maybe I'll try later tonite... excuse me if my blog starts looking all fucked up... your regularly scheduled program shall return shortly :)

Beauty Rant

Today, I went to Walmart to pick up a new toothbrush. I got to the oral hygeine aisle and was going to go for one of the normal brushes when those new-fangled "spin brushes" caught my eye. My sister had one in her shower when I went to visit for the weekend, and I've always been curious about them. They have always reminded me of those electric lollipop spinners - made for kids too lazy to lick their lollipops. I proceeded to spend the next 15 minutes taking up their offer to "try me!" with all of the brushes and wasting their batteries hehe I eventually decided to buy one - the Crest "pro-whitening" spin brush in metallic pink. To match, I bought a tube of Crest's "Vivid White" in refreshing mint - a new whitening toothpaste.

I got home and decided to brush my teeth. I was so excited when the white and clear toothpaste was being spread onto the double motorized brush heads. I put it into my mouth and it was just really firm. I thought, "Geez, there's no way this is cleaning my teeth!" It felt like it was barely rubbing itself over the surface and not between the teeth at all! Because of its giant head, it was hard to get to my back teeth, but I managed. When I got done and rinsed, I ran my tongue over my teeth. Oh mi gawd! They felt so clean! And the taste! It was like I just got a fluoride treatment from my dentist! I couldn't believe it! It was amazing! I LOVE my new spin brush :) Buy one today! ;)

On another note, I was trying to grow out my brows to make them more full (Asians have a problem with growing enough eyebrow hair) So, I let them grow out for about 3 months, trimming and plucking as little as possible. Pretty soon, I had tons of eyebrow hair! But then, people started telling me my eyebrows were too heavy and that I should thin them out. So... after I had my toothbrush epiphany, I obliterated my eyebrows. Tweezing and plucking... till the next thing you knew, they were practically where they started 3 months ago! Pshhh... I've always looked better with more dramatic brows anyway... :P But ya know what? I don't regret it. I like thinner brows - they make me look lots more happy and way less angry, and that's always a good thing ;)

As long as it makes you happy...

People always try to second-guess your decisions by including the bright idea, "As long as it makes you happy", as a way of saying, "I don't really agree with that, but ultimately, it's up to you"... as if a bad decision that makes you happy is all worth it... Thus, I propose this:

People always feel that if you're making a bad decision that you're trying to make other people happy and not yourself. "As long as you're happy" is a way of saying "Think of yourself. What do you want?" But the truth is that whatever we do, we're always trying to make other people happy because, in turn, that makes us, as social animals, happy. Whatever choice you make, someone, somewhere will be happy you made that decision. The trick isn't then to think of yourself versus thinking of other people but of which decision you choose that you'll be proud of making other people happy with.

The truth is that it has never had to anything with our happiness. The whole reason someone says that to you is so they can further their own agenda. Because ultimately, your happiness lies in the hands of others' happiness. I believe it is not selfishness which can guide our decisions but virtue - virtue that receives the praise of our fellow man and reflects the values and morals of our society. So, I vote to change the very erronous phrase, "as long as it makes you happy..." to "as long as you're proud of your decision."

My Weekend

On Friday, I drove up to see Chris for the first time in 5 weeks! It's been really rough for us not being able to see each other, but absence really does make the heart grow fonder! We got a room at "our" hotel, and shared a dinner at "our" restaurant. It's funny... you begin to share so many key memories in the same city, same restaurants, same places that you really start to wonder what's going to happen when you move or your situation changes. I guess the thing to look foward to is the fact that wherever you are, you'll be sharing things together :)

Saturday morning, we left for my boob job follow-up appointment in Temecula, but lo and behold, my '89 Volvo totally died on me on the freeway :( The engine just shut down... just like that. So, we were sitting on the side of the road waiting for a friendly passer-by to stop and give us a jump. Fuck that... you'd have to pay a person to care these days... and that's exactly what we did... $65 for a freaking jump start! Ludicrous, I tell you. We later find out that my radiator belt is loose and I have a coolant leak... greeeeeat

Needless to say, we never made it to my appointment and it took us 4 hours to make a 90 minute trip to San Diego. We got inside my mom's house and freaking passed out! By the time everyone got home, dinner was ready! Mmmmmmmm pot roast! Nothing like a home-cooked meal (anything is better than pasta, sandwiches, and cup o' noodles every day) The whole family ended up watching a bootleg version of Hero (which is a gorgeous film) on DVD.

The next morning, Chris and I got ready and went shopping for birthday presents for his little bro and my big sis (we're into the whole 'presents from the both of us' stage). I ended up spending about as much on me as I did for the both of them combined! I'm such prey to advertising... actually, I just bought some MAC lipglass and mascara (both of which were essential since I had run out of them) and a boxed set of Margaret Cho DVDs from BestBuy (I loooooove her!) So, I guess that's not so bad after all :P

We got home and the whole family was there: Mom, Lew, Chelle, Jenni, Newton, Chris and myself. We all ate filet mignon from the grill and watched The Notorious C.H.O. haha It's really nice being around family... I miss it :) And I realized something else too, my family is growing :)

Pokemon Craze

Lately, I've been addicted to Pokemon. I just started playing the old school Pokemon game on Gameboy (Blue version for those of you who care). Then, I got stuck. Imagine, a grown woman getting stuck on a video game made for 7-year-olds. So, I had to go online to find some walkthroughs, and I ended up checking out a complete list of all the Pokemon in existence - a Pokedex, for all you afficionados. There are like 350 of them now! (and they're not even cute!) What ever happened to 150? Supposedly, 150 used to mean catching them all. Fuck Nintendo.

The one thing I can count on these days

... is this damn toothache... it hurts! But it's not a cavity or anything... I think it's my 3rd molars (wisdom teeth?) that are coming in. All I know is my gums are sore like a bitch who can't walk straight... I'm just waiting for them to grow into my brain at this point.

On a lighter note, Chris surprised me with this really cute sushi set to match the Bulbasaur he got me last week :) The soy sauce holders have this "branch" that's attatched to the saucer portion of it which is in the shape of a lily pad (either that or a lotus blossom... something you'd see in the background of Chinese history remakes on the International Channel) I'll post pictures once I can obtain some sushi to put on it. Otherwise, it'll just look like... well, I don't know what it'll look like w/o it... all I know is I need some sushi for them, damnit ;)

I can't believe how much weight I've gained...

So, I went to the doctor yesterday for a follow-up, and one of the things you have to do before you see her is get on the scale. I couldn't believe my eyes! It read 146.4 lbs! That's like 20 lbs more than I weighed last month! I knew I gained weight since the surgery two months ago (when I was 126 lbs.), but I didn't realize I had gained that much! It's funny... I've really noticed the effect that gaining weight has had on me. I take naps during the day. I'm constantly tired. I feel listless and bored all the time.

I wish I could start working out, but my surgeon says I can't. Otherwise, my boobs won't heal correctly :( So, I'm pretty sure that the weight will just fly off once I'm able to do more than walk around. But it's still unsettling knowing that I've gained almost a pound every couple days! I meet with my surgeon this Saturday. So, hopefully he'll give me the okay on exercising again :) If not, I'll just have to watch my calorie intake... what else can I do when I can't work out? BTW, does anyone else think gaining a pound every two days is a bit abnormal?

Yellow Light!

So, after the first two hectic weeks of school, things are starting to slow down. I still have this nagging feeling that I have tons to do, but I just relaxed and hung out all weekend. Maybe I'm getting used to the stress level and am starting to cope. Who knows? I'm really glad I got my bulbasaur. Strangely enough, he keeps me company, and he's nice to hug and sing Vietnamese karaoke with ;) I must have spent $70 on groceries and stuff for the house this weekend (Yay! Now I have a glass Pyrex lasagna pan) Looks like I may have to also buy some MACE and a bat to ward off weird men who knock on doors at midnite...

This just in: I had my first repeat customer this semester! Funny, they are always boys... I think that they think that I'm cute or something :P Then again, maybe it's my awesome tutoring skills that keeps them coming back! ;) If asked, I think I'll stick to the latter reason.. for the very reason that I come to work sopping wet from a hurried and jarring shower in the morning before coming - no makeup, no nice clothes... just my very tired brain :P

Scary Men Knocking On My Door

Yesterday, I was getting ready to make my way out the door to go to Vons when there came a knock at the door. Well, my apartment doesn't have an eyehole on the door. So, you have to go all the way to the bedroom to peek out the side of the window to see who's there. Well, there was this really tall, old man with a beard standing there. I didn't know him. So, I wasn't about to open the door. After all, I'm a weak asian girl living all on her own. What's the protocol for that? Oh yeah - "Don't talk to strangers".

So, I'm watching this man (about 40 y/o) from my bedroom window and he's not leaving! If he were a salesman or advertiser, he would leave, correct? After awhile, I check again and he's not there. As soon as I put my hand on the doorknob to go out, there comes another knock on the door! I go back to the bedroom to see who it is. This time, it's a guy who's about 30 y/o and shorter and he's just waiting there. Then, get this... he makes calls on his cell phone while waiting outside my door for 20 whole minutes! I'm just thinking, wtf is going on here? Finally, he leaves, and I make it outside the apartment with no problems.

Here's the scary part... So, I'm back home from dinner with a friend and shopping @ Wal-mart and I'm just playing on the computer when there comes another knock on the door. At this point it's midnight! Who the hell goes around knocking on people's doors at midnight?! So, I go to the bedroom again to see who it is and because it's all dark out and there's light inside my room, I can't see him, but he can see me. All I can see is the reflection of his glasses staring back at me through the side of my window, illuminating his full beard. I was so fucking freaked out! Seriously, this can't be a coincidence... and I don't know many middle-aged white guys. So, now I'm thinking that I'm gonna die or they're gonna break in or something. Chris even stayed up till 4am in case I had to make an emergency call to him... Poor baby, he was worried :( Anyway, I guess I'll go talk to my landlady about this - this is just NOT OKAY...

Bulbasaur!

OMG! Guess what I got in the mail?! A new baby bulbasaur! He's really big for just being hatched from his PokeEgg :) I came home from work yesterday and there he was in a box in front of my door. I'm glad no one stole him! He's such a valuable and rare Pokemon; I know other Pokemon trainers in my apartment complex would have taken him from me if they had known he was inside the box.

He's so affectionate and sweet. He likes to just sit on my chest and talk to me in "bulba-speak". He's so loveable and huggable too! I slept all last nite with him. However, he doesn't like being grabbed by his bulb. So, I have to be careful to cradle his body in my arms when I take him around with me. He loves watching Ranma! Right now, he's sitting on the bed watching me type out my blog.

Here are some pics of my bulbasaur and I:



Chris got him for me as a gift! Wow! What a great present! My favorite Pokemon of all time, and he's just as big and cute as Ash's bulbasaur! Interestingly enough, he thinks Chris is his father and will call him from my cell phone just to say hello! hehe I love my new bulbasaur! Thank you, Chris! :D

Blogs of Distinction

Here are two people's blogs that I found interesting today:

Ly Truong

Margaret Cho

Enjoy! :)

Success

I've just got done tutoring a student and he had the most insightful definition of success: "Anything productive done for yourself, your family, or society." When I asked why he thought that, he said "because most people are successful but can't achieve fame or fortune, and as long as you're not doing anything unproductive toward yourself or others, then you are achieving success". I think that is a very insightful response.

Often, we think success lies in how well we do when compared to others (i.e. a letter grade) or that it happens when we achieve major goals (i.e. degrees of higher education). But this young man's definition wants us to believe that every time we attend a class session or turn in our assignments - that is success! And I believe he is justified in saying that not everyone can get the A or get a masters degree. I think that success isn't about what we can accomplish but what we are accomplishing in the here and the now.

So, is success more a set of accomplishments and credits that we strive for and once attained, sit on like laurels? Or is it something we can do every day, in every moment, knowing that there is a "no-judge" opportunity to be productive or unproductive at all times?

Freaking Anthropology!

I just got back one of my papers for ANTH 315 - 3rd World Cultures... I got a C+ on it! >:/ I've never gotten a C on a paper before! I tried really hard on those set of essays too! Because of this grade, I've lost 2% of my total grade already! There go my hopes for getting a high GPA this semester... and I really wanted to be on the Dean's List again too... :(

I swear he didn't even really read it! He didn't give me full credit for grammar and mechanics... I tutor kids in how to write essays... and let me tell you... I know grammar and mechanics... in fact, they nicknamed me the "comma momma" in my composition class! Anyway, if I don't get at least a B+ on this next set of papers, then I'm going to make an appointment with him and ask him how I could have gotten a better grade. grrrrrr... freaking anthropology >:/

Work

I started work this week and it's been a great assist to helping me not go crazy. Yesterday was the most exhausting day I've had in a long time: I woke up @ 8:30am, went to class from 9:30-10:45, went to work from 11-12:30, got home at 12:40 to scarf down lunch only to leave for class at 12:45, orchestra from 1-3, practiced from 3-5, viola lesson from 5:15-6:15, home by 6:30, ate a quick dinner and printed out my paper in 15 minutes, just enough time to get to my psych class from 7-10, got home, got in a fight, took a shower, resolved a conflict and watched a couple episodes of Ranma, sleep...

Anyway, back to my point... helping kids go through the thinking process and come up with better strategies to write and brainstorm their ideas on paper is very rewarding. I like being able to be a part of the epiphany that takes place. The way they are learning is a hands-on representation of all the crap I put myself through in order to succeed in my classes. Everyday, I challenge myself by learning, step-by-step, and coming to an epiphany about any number of subjects. It's like I see a little bit of myself in these kids. It's a really nice feeling that I'm making myself available to them, and as an added bonus, I get to see them progress throughout the year, like a classroom teacher. I feel that I'm more than a tutor; I'm a mentor :)

Floridians

Thinking of my friends... with all the hurricane trouble in Florida right now, I hope Adam, Brian, the other Brian, and everyone else that is going through this dangerous and upsetting time are safe right now. If you guys are reading this, please comment and let me know you're okay. I hope everyone is okay.

In times of pain, I'll tend your wounds.
In times of chaos, I'll give you solace.
In times of loss, I'll offer myself.

I'll be thinking of you all.

Tractor Trouble

So, I was driving to a studio gig today and I totally got lost because I got bad directions from the composer. I'm going the opposite direction of where I should be headed and it turns into this long stretch of 2-lane freeway. I'm driving down this thing wondering if I should turn around and cut my losses. But, lo and behold, there is no shoulder to stop at and there is a long train of cars riding my bumper behind me. So, I keep driving. I keep seeing signs that basically tell me to 'keep going and you'll eventually get to where you need to be' - some place called Fillmore - more importantly, a place with freeway junctions. One thing leads to another, and I end up driving this long, windy, precarious road in the mountains. One false move and I'm in the canyon below. I hate roads like that. It reminds me of going to see my ex in Arrowhead.

So, here I am: driving 15 mph down a scary canyon/mountain 2-lane freeway with a bevy of angry white people driving behind me and civilization is nowhere to be found. I get down to sea level and I'm driving past these farms and plantations. I swear I see one for cotton. In the distance, I see a town of some sort. Finally! Maybe I can get directions here, I think to myself. There is a sign telling me to turn right to take the 126. Where the hell is the 126???

I decide to park at a gas station to ask for directions. I go inside and everyone is white. Now, this is not reverse racism, but they all looked like they wanted to lynch me cuz I was asian. I think the old woman in the corner was seriously debating whether she should make a coat out of me or just press me to death with boards. After I get some clues of how to get to where I need to be, I step outside and see something glimmer in the corner of my eye. I look over and there is a tractor just driving on the street like it's nobody's business. A man in a straw hat and overalls driving a tractor, stopped at a stoplight, with other cars behind it...

"Bach" in Time

I'm sitting here waiting for my cheesy garlic bread to finish baking in the oven and listening to Bach's 4th cello suite. Baroque music always makes my mind drift. I start to envision scenes from 'Tous les Matins du Monde' as they both meld with and phase in and out of reality:

The room is swimming in the soft warmth of candlelight. Shadows run across the clay walls as the lit tallow makes its way to the end of the room, faithfully lighting the way ahead while drowning all else in dark solace. The sound of gentle footsteps as they retreat into the hushed night lingers just above the wooden floorboards.

The smells of the daily bread drift in the moist air, heavy and sweet, like roasted seeds. The hearth-fires have dimmed, leaving cold ashes in the pit. The flame shines off the knives that rest on the cutting slab. The love that is imparted into the food is reflected back. The light leaves. The kettle hanging above the pit begins to gray and darken; this room, too, is left in quiet as the beacon makes its way forward.

Talent

Last night, I stayed up till 1am reading the blogs of hardcore classical musicians. All they wrote about was this competition and that recital and that concert and this practice session. I was impressed that they had such a deep love and commitment to their music making. It really was profound to read what they wrote and how they felt about their daily progress as musicians. They played music, they went to see music, they talked to musicians, they read books about music... everything in their lives consisted of music.

I even read one violist's blog about how she felt the need to sacrifice other hopes and dreams she wanted out of life in order to pursue the viola... how she thought that dying, unmarried, was a worthwhile sacrifice, as were her dreams of taking dance lessons... So much to give up about yourself in order to throw all of who you are into one venture. I'm resigned to say that I don't have that kind of dedication.

Even though I identify myself with viola playing, there are other things about me besides music. I've developed my compassion enough to serve as a suicide counselor. Along with my gay and lesbian friends, I've succeeded as a leader and visionary to form "Gay-Straight Alliances" at high schools all across San Diego County. I've won 1st place at both State and National Viola Competitions in 1999 & 2000. I've been soloist with several orchestras. I've succeeded as an entrepreneur in starting my own orchestral contracting business. I'm a published poet. I'm an SAT tutor for Kaplan and a writing consultant. I like to snowboard. I like to cook. I love to dance. There are so many things about me besides my music. So many other talents I have that are applicable in almost any area of life I wish to pursue. I'm a counselor, a confidante, an activist, a leader, a star, an entrepreneur, a teacher, an athlete, a writer, a caregiver, a friend, a role model... And so, I come to realize that my true talent isn't in music. No... my true talent lies within the capacity of both my mind and my heart. I know that whatever I choose to do in life, I'll be successful. Whatever I choose to do in life, I'll do it well.

Exhausted

15 pages of essays and 300 pages later, I'm sitting here, exhausted. It's only the second week of school and already I'm so tired. I can't believe how much work I've already done. And really, getting through a 3-hour lecture on Third World Cultures on a Thursday nite is a freaking test of mental willpower and strength. I'm sleepy. I'm hungry. I just want to relax. Good thing that all I have to do from here on out is attend a work meeting, practice viola, and read a 200 page book so I can start on a 10 page paper that's due Tuesday. School will be the death of me... or at least my sex appeal haha

I promise to write a more interesting blog over the weekend, once I've had a chance to relax and recuperate. But right now, my pillow b/f is asking me to come lay with him in bed... sweet dreams ;)

Testdrive

A relationship is a lot like test-driving a car. Sometimes, you may get scared if it doesn't take sharp turns well. Other times, you have to deal with the car's previous owner. The car may come with lots of dings and key marks, or the upholstery may be all torn up on the inside. It may have just gotten a new paint job to cover up the underlying imperfections. It may have a hanging air freshener to cover up the smell of the previous owner's bad smoking habit. It can come with shiny new rims and a fancy spoiler that takes your attention away from the bad gas mileage statistics. Or it can spew tons of smoke from the exhaust, polluting everything. Whatever you do, it's a good idea to take a nice, long test-drive before you commit to buying the car. Otherwise, you may end up with an expensive car payment and a junker in your backyard.

My Exciting Life

I think the one thing I love more than anything else is food. So, naturally, it would also follow that I love to go grocery shopping to get food - and I do :) I'm so good at it! Yesterday, I spent an hour and a half at Vons just filling my cart. It was so full! I was so scared that I overdid it this time as I was checking out. When I got to the register, it read "$106"! I was like, "Oh shit!" But then I put in my club card and it went down to $55 :) Yes, that's right! I saved 48% on my bill last nite! I think what is more amazing is the fact that I never buy generic and not everything I buy is on sale ;)

The funny part about going grocery shopping from 7:30-9 on a Saturday nite was seeing all the college people getting ready to go out. Everyone was all glammed up and decked out. It's funny because even though I'm the same age as the rest of the college crowd, I don't identify with them. Instead, I felt like a wife and mother going grocery shopping for her family and reminiscing about how great it was when "I was that age". Geez! It makes me feel so old! haha Is there something wrong with me? ;)

Other than my "shopping spree", I finished writing one of the 3 essays I have due this coming week. Only 200 more pages to read before I can write the other 2! I also woke up this morning and started rearranging my closet and pantry. Yay! Now everything looks so organized... Maybe I'll clean the entire place today ;) Who knows?

CSUN Honors String Quartet

Roster: Violin I - Rossanna, Violin II - Ray, Viola - Natalie, Cello Megan

First of all, congratulations to Natalie for making it in! :) I have to say that I wasn't surprised at the roster because it was one of 2 possible quartets in my opinion. The 2 quartets would be the mild mannered, always perfect quartet and the passionate, get things wrong quartet. The passionate, get things wrong quartet would include players that were willing to take risks to get the message and effect of the music across. Monster players with demonstrative abilities and big sound and stage presence. This would have included: Violin I - Edgar, Violin II - there was really no other violinist who had these qualities. They were either timid, didn't move, or didn't produce enough sound. Viola - Quyen, Cello - the Korean girl (but also Megan because she could have gone either way).

With a missing 2nd violin, a monster playing quartet would have been hard to form and balance. Because of this, I conclude that Edgar, the Korean girl, and myself were all out of the running. The test was to then get a good quartet together that had similar styles. The end result mandated that they match Natalie, since she was the only other violist who auditioned and is a stark contrast from my style of playing. Yohei is even more timid than Natalie which left Rossanna and Ray for violins and Megan for cello (even though I think she is a closet monster player :P)

I've never been part of a more mild and perfect quartet. I wonder what kind of literature they will be playing? Maybe Mozart and things from the classical period? I'd wager nothing like Ravel or Debussy, since that takes a lot of gusto to pull off. Late Beethoven at best? Who knows? Hmnn... Edgar and I were talking on the phone today about starting a string trio with Edgar, myself and the Korean girl. Haha... give me back my Weissaar viola and then we'll start talking ;)

Anthropology from Hell!

My day was going fine: I learned a lot in Bio, put on a sexy (but dressy) outfit for auditions, went to orchestra, and then practiced for Honors String Quartet auditions. I played extremely well on the auditions (considering I probably shouldn't be playing at all due to surgery), and I had a nice Greek dinner before heading to my last class of the week - Anthropology 315: Third World Cultures.

Here's the rundown: 4 textbooks, 10 essays (7 of them due the first 7 weeks), one final worth only 20%, and attendance worth 0.5%! Here's the kicker... a 5 page essay is due each week for the first 7 weeks of the semester. The essay is based off of questions that the professor gives you at the end of each 3 hour class. But here's the catch! You have to turn in the essay at the very beginning of class (not even one minute late!), which means no being late to class and no cutting out early! With each essay being worth 5-10% of the final grade, you better not be late for class and you better plan on staying all 3 hours of it to find out what the questions for next week's essays will be (So this is why attendance doesn't count)

For next Thursday's essay, we have to read 1/2 of an entire textbook just to answer the questions! Insane? Very! On top of all this, the teacher has a total power trip saying things like, "It shouldn't be hard to add a class. The class should be so hard that you don't want to add it" and "For what it's worth, I have power over you in the form of a letter grade, and I'm going to use every last bit of it to make you do whatever I want." Uh, scary? Why, oh why am I taking all of my upper division classes in one semester?

I am sooooo not looking forward to this...

Biology Lab

Remember that math formula you never thought you were going to use ever again? Welcome to Biology Lab - a place where useless information reigns supreme! I swear, this class is being taught by a TA who doesn't even know how the formulas work. How am I supposed to learn how to complete the lab assignments when there's a moron at the front of the room? She didn't even give me a straight answer when I asked her if the radius was really just 1/2 of the diameter... C'mon people, we're in college, not working at a McDonald's drive-thru >:(

On the upside, my viola playing ability is returning after my long hiatus of not playing viola, and my Bach sounds fan-fucking-tastic! I'm really surprised how quickly I regained my basic playing skills. I'm excited about tomorrow's audition, and I'm going to play the hell out of it ;) I also have a secret weapon, but I can't tell you what it is because... well... it's a secret :P Everyone wish me luck and I'll tell you how things went tomorrow! :)

PSY 352 - Motivation

This is the most amazing class ever! It's like group therapy for all 130 of us. This class was so packed that more than 40 people stood throughout the entire lecture because they wanted to add the class. It seems very challenging! We have a 2,500 word essay due in 2 weeks, based on an entire textbook. Yes, that's right! We have to read an entire textbook and write a paper in under 2 weeks! Guess what I'll be doing these next couple weeks? ;)

During the class, he gave a presentation on bettering ourselves by bettering our outlook on life - changing "I can't, I won't" into "I can, I will". So much of what he said applied to me - fear of success, fear of failure, self-sabatoge, etc. It was like a self-esteem workshop! I got so emotional because everything he was saying was totally applicable to me. I feel that this class is going to be very good for me simply because I'll learn a lot just to better my own life.

Interestingly enough, I got home and one of my friends was bummed out. So, I used some of what I learned in the class to try and help cheer him up :) Looks like this class DOES affect lives! Even though I know it's going to be tough, I hope I can... wait... I KNOW I can succeed :)

First day of school!

Today was my first day of school. I only had one class - history of chamber music. The rest of the time, I bought my textbook for the class and practiced viola for a couple hours. I decided to audition for the honors string quartet on Thursday. Even if I don't win the audition, it's good audition experience for me and will give me a short-term goal to work toward, even if I can't play viola at "full power" yet.

It was nice being able to socialize with people again. I get so bored when I'm alone. This summer was torture for me, seeing as all I did was sit around waiting for surgery and then sitting around healing after surgery. Everyone noticed I had larger breasts today. I don't mind this so much, except for the fact that people shouldn't be looking at other people's breasts so much haha ;)

I'm always amazed at how much I save each time I go grocery shopping! Today, I bought $56 worth of groceries for only $34 :) A savings of 40% off the total bill! I usually get between 35-50% off my total bill whenever I go grocery shopping. It's weird how I'm so proud of my shopping skills :P I really feel that I can raise a family off of a stretched dollar!

Yay! School!

I am sooooo excited that the semester is about to begin! I have a lot of work cut out for me (mostly upper division classes), but I'm just excited to be back in the classroom. After a summer of sitting around and healing from surgery, something to occupy my time and brain is a welcome change. I'm excited to complete my preliminary stage of healing and get back to playing viola ASAP.

This semester, I'm taking third world cultures (to broaden my perspective of the world), motivation (to become a better teacher and understand what motivates people to do what they do), biology (blegh... I hate science but must appease the graduation requirement gods), and some other courses in music.

This will be a nice time to just relax again and enjoy learning about different subjects across the board. Since I asked to be seated last chair in the orchestra, I'll have less pressure and responsibility. Also, since orchestra is the only group I'll be performing with, I'll have more time to practice and work up my chops to a higher level. I've never just done the bare bones for music (usually I have chamber music and other ensembles to worry about). This will give me lots of time to pursue other things. Hmnn... maybe I'll join the viola da gamba ensemble for fun ;)

Mommy and Me

If there's anything my mother's relationships have taught me, it's this: Sometimes, things just don't work out, no matter how badly you want them to. Sometimes, it's better to be alone than stay with someone who hurts you, intentionally or not. My mother is like me; we want to make things work, even at the cost of ourselves. We're optimistic and hope for the best, even if the situation ultimately seems hopeless. We're not afraid of hard work, but know what we're not willing to take.

You see, I see all my strengths and weaknesses in my mother. I see the way she gives and gives and once she gets burned, she still insists on touching the stove. I see the way she stands up for what she believes is right. I see how clever she is. I see how critical she can be. My mother is 39 years older than me, but we are the same. All the things she is, is me.

But my mommy is wiser than me, for she has 39 years of experiences that I don't have. I am young, naive, and foolish of heart in her eyes. In me, she sees herself, the mistakes she made when she was young and the very best things about her. She sees how hard I try, how deeply I love, and how hard I fall. She sees her fiery, yet calculated disposition that burns inside of me. She understands my reaching for the stars while sleeping in the sewers. I am 39 years younger than my mother, but we are the same. All the things I am, is her.

Our 39-year age difference serves only as a mirror between the future and the past. My mommy and I share so much of the same things: sorrow, life's small joys, will, shrewdness... If I could look through the mirror and advise my mother, I would tell her to not let people hurt her, even if love makes her weak. I would say: Be stronger than your circumstances and you'll always succeed. Know you are compassionate. Know you are worth more than you know. Don't be a martyr. It is these same things that she would say to me, through the mirror. But really, when we talk, all we see is our reflections looking back at us.

Worst Day!

So my massage therapist friend introduces me to another massage therapist and he offers to give me a 2 hour massage at his Beverly Hills office for free (keep in mind these massages go $260 for a 2 hour massage) So, I wake up early (unheard of), get ready (yay! I look cute), and get ready to make my trafficky, 45 minute journey to Beverly Hills (yuck, I hate driving).

I arrive there and he moves my 10AM time to noon. Once I get on the table, he hurts me and it's not very relaxing. So much for that really good massage! Afterwards, he says "looks like you owe me lunch". So, we get in my car and start our retarded escapade to find a restaurant that is vegan and rated an "A". One hour later, I'm just like, "Ok, that's it! We're eating at that Subway!" Before we spent an hour wasting my gas and driving around which gave me back all my back pain in the first place, I was going to order a vegan entree and make him feel comfortable. Now, I just wanted to throw the meat in his face! I was so angry because he thought he was so kewl and he really wasn't. It was the worst!

At the end, he asked me if this was going to be the last time he saw me, and I replied with, "Oh, don't think that" because I felt bad for him. I mean, I couldn't imagine anyone tolerating this guy as a friend, and I started to sympathize with his situation. Either way, I still don't think I'd hang out with him again. This shows me two things: #1 - I'm so glad I have friends that I get along with and #2 - be wary of free services.

One day...

One day, I want to have a kitten named Toasty. If Chris gets it for me, it'll have to be one of those hairless cats because he's allergic to cat hair. So, if we get a black Abyssinian, can we call it Burnt instead? :P

Quyen's Surgery!

Hey all! Well, I'm going away for surgery now. I hope all goes well and they look GREAT after Dr. Pousti is done! I'll be away for approximately one month or less. I won't be able to move my arms at all or take a shower for the first week and can drive after 2 weeks are over. But I won't be playing viola or doing any auditions or gigs until after about 6-8 weeks.

Just so all of you know, I'll be having a "bra party" to celebrate my 2 new friends in September once most of the swelling goes down. I'll be making appetizers and serving drinks, and in trade for a new bra or piece of boob-related clothing, I'll let you see the wonders of plastic surgery ;) (I'll post my new bra size as the party approaches!) It should be fun! E-mail me if you're interested!

Well, I guess this is goodbye for at least a couple weeks or so. I hope you're all enjoying the summer and wish me luck on Friday, July 23rd @ 7am :)

The Price of Commitment

The price of commitment is worth paying, for the right person.

Christopher Ruiz, my love, I'm waiting for you outside.

Quyen's 1/2 of Quyen's Bday (condensed version)

Picking up where Chris left off, we arrived at the Holiday Inn and went up to room 407 (I don't know why I remember that, but I figured it might be important later to know if I wanted to "relive" that day) Anyway, we get to the hotel room where Chelle and Jenni berate my hair and proceed to do something about it to make it look "presentable". I was already uptight about not being pretty enough for the family and my suspicions were confirmed :( Mom and Lew get to the room and we all go down to the Elephant & Castle restaurant where we all opt for the breakfast buffet, complete with custom omelettes and Belgian waffles ;)

After we were finished eating, it was present time! From Newton: a bottle of Grey Goose and some Red Bull; from Jenni and Chelle: a whole bunch of drinking paraphenelia; from Lew and Mom: $100 and Premium seating @ a Padre game (also breakfast and dinner); from Chris: TBA ;)

So, Chris, Mom, Lew and I all take a cab to Petco Park to catch a Padres game. #1) I've never been to a baseball game in my life and #2) Petco Park is the brand new stadium in SD. I was so excited to see what our "premier club" tickets were for! It was this cute little bar-type restaurant setting that came complete with A/C and a bouncer outside to bounce those not fortunate enough to spend $55 a ticket to go! There was free food and a shaded deck to watch the game from with HDTVs showing the game while waiters and waitresses took your order and stood in line to get food from the vendors where the "regular" sports fans go to get their food. It was like going to a ritzy club! It was so amazing! The first thing I did when I got inside was eat cheesecake, chocolate dipped strawberries and fresh-baked cookies! After that, I got a Mimosa from the bar (seeing as I was 21 y/o now) and then went to get our seats. It was sooooooo fun! Chris taught me about the ball game and what the various #s meant and he even bought me garlic fries and cheese nachos all for myself! I was so bloated that I had to go to the bathroom! Anyway, I got back to the private club and cuddled with Chris the rest of the time on the leather couches. The game ended - Padres won and we took a PennyCab (or as Chelle calls them, PaddyWagons) back to the Holiday Inn.

When we got there, Mom bought all of us a round of drinks at the bar. We then got the idea that we should play team billiards. Losers had to buy everyone a round of drinks. Thanks to my pool shark skills, my team never lost - even in the one on one death match between my mother and I. We got soooo drunk!

I don't remember much what happens after this, being intoxicated and all. But Chris says we went up to the hotel room and each couple took a bed and crashed. Chris claims I was lusty and wanted to fuck him with my mom in the next bed and that I admitted to him that I loved him and that things would be okay between us despite our recent fights. I fell asleep and the next thing you know, I wake up and Jenni and Newton are showing us what they bought together at the mall.

Eventually, we get ourselves out of bed to go eat dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House. Now, for those of you who don't know, Ruth's Chris is one of the elite dining spots in San Diego, second only to Mr. A's. It was amazing how good it tasted, especially considering I had bloated myself @ the Padres game. It was the BEST filet mignon I've ever had in my life (and I've been to lots of fancy restaurants) We ended up spending a total of $400 on the meal (not including tip) for only 6 people! It was decadent. Definitely worthy of celebrating my Bday with.

After dinner, we went back to the hotel room and all 3 couples stood holding each other and watches the fireworks which were just magical. They were being sent off at 3 different locations along the SD bay. Afterwards, we watched the ending of Independence Day on TV and just layed on the bed cuddling. It was beautiful... a beautiful end to a wonderful and unforgettable 21st Birthday. I'll never forget that day... never :)

Quyen's Apology to her Blogging Community

Sorry for the hiatus from blogging, but I'm back now to finish and wrap up the stories that were never told. Hopefully, we can put some of the bad crap that's happened behind us and move on to the fun and reflective times that you have come to expect from this blog. Stay tuned for the 2nd 1/2 of my Bday, my quest to meet new people, and more news on my impending boob job! ;)

CHRIS - Segue to more Blogs

"Hi friend. You too can make Uncle Sam proud some day." ahem, a-hem! Shouldn't you be in someone else's blog? Or on some commercial where a guy scales a mountain that eerily enough, through the might of the black arts, reflects back the image of several marines? And let me make this clear: I love magic. Lance Burton, David Copperfield, Zamfir the great: all great men.
"Ah.....um......crap. That's the last time I have a pure-syrup slushee's with Bart Simpson and Milhouse." <-- he shuffles away.

Some of you have been wondering: Where have all the blogs gone, which is not unlike Paula Cole's song, Where Have all the Cowboys Gone. One might also find themselves wondering: Where have Quyen's blogs gone? Where are the happy blogs? Or, where has the mountain with the old, wise man gone? I mean, when's the last time you found that old, wise man? I know I've never seen the wilely bastard in my life. For my part, he continues to elude me, and I've come to the conclusion that it must be because his mountain keeps moving all over the place. First the Alps, then the Himalayas, the Appalachians, and so on.

To be serious though, I'll start working on a blog tomorrow. As for your questions, Quyen's been a little down under the weather lately, and although she manages to get through the day, she hasn't the strength to stay up at night writing you guys. Nevertheless, she told me to tell you guys, she loves you! Well, she didn't actually tell me tell me, but it was implied. She has grown somewhat fond of her little blog community.

Finally, let's talk about the sad blogs. Do they mean that only sad things are going on in our lives? By all means: No. There has been quite a bit of good going on too; we just haven't got around to publishing it what with Quyen being ill, and I still working for a research grant/project on improving high school literacy.

So, let me address some concerns before I go on to write any more blogs on the site. Sad things get immediate attention because, as anyone in a relationship knows, they require the same kind of attention and care in real life. As a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a responsibility to yourself and the other person to organize your thoughts, think of possible solutions, calm down, reflect on your emotions, and discuss things with your partner to resolve the issue or issues. Moreover, writing, like music, allows people to effectively organize their thoughts and emotions, with the added and crucial element of reflection. So powerful and transformative can the writing process be, that most credible therapists recommend it to their patients.

If you happen to read more sad blogs in the future, keep in mind that my goal, and that of Quyen's, is not to illicit sympathy from the blogging community, or to slander each other. In my case, I'm fully aware that this is Quyen's home and blog, and that she cultivated a following far before me. For me to assume that I could garner your sympathy when your allegiance is to Quyen is foolish. And although some might question this: How often do you side with your friends even if the other person has a good story and may have valid complaints? Isn't it almost always the case that we take up the cause of our friends without questioning if they were wrong? Well, Quyen is your friend, and she's a great friend to have ;) By the way, some sympathy would be nice once in awhile from those of you who can spare it :P

The question is: why do I write, and what does one write about in blogs? Again, I write because it helps me sort out thoughts and emotions so that I can better deal with the real-life situation. What do I write about? Well, some of you have complained that it's just not fair, it's not right to talk about "sad things", nor is right to speak about whatever might be troubling in the relationship. Yep, far as some of you are concerned, it has to be all pink roses, ruby-red glasses, and a yellow brick road of happiness as far as the eye can see. Well, let me say this in return: this is a blog. People write about what they're going through in their blogs. Blogs are like journals - you know, those little paper things you put your feelings into? That's why blogs also have a time and date stamp for each entry. They are electronic journals. Who the hell ever heard of a journal you only write happy things in, or a journal in which you purposely avoid talking about your love life? No one, and if you have, let's find some help. Make sure you're not scary, and interview some high school girls. Ask them what they write about in journals: boys, relationships, the extremes of happiness and sorrow.

I apologize to all the excellent blog readers out there, but I just had to address the issue before going on. I got tired of instant messages, or email about how I'm wrong to write what I'm feeling, and should avoid saying anything negative in the future. Messages suggesting I should write blogs that only deal with things from Quyen's perspective. You know, if I could pull that off, they'd call me Quyen. Also, regardless of how much you know or love Quyen, this doesn't mean that what I'm experiencing isn't true or happening to me. Just because you don't like reading it, doesn't make it any less valid or true.

By the way, the last few sad blogs have allowed Quyen and I to get many things off our shoulders and improve the relationship. Although, it's taken several hard bumps along the way, the last few weeks have left us with a more comprehensive picture of who our partner is and the experiences that have shaped him or her. More than ever, we're equipped to succeed and take the relationship to the next level. What that level is, I don't know, but I can tell you that marriage is a serious possibility for the future. ;)

CHRIS - Sad Fight :/

I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm sure that's funny to some of you considering how long my blogs tend to be. But, I need to get the following off my chest. Originally, it had been my intention to finish writing about the wonderful weekend I had with Quyen this July 4th holiday season. That doesn't look to be the case now because I just can't concentrate on that. I'm stuck on the here and now of what just happened.

Quyen and I had a long conversation yesterday, and when I say long I mean long. Lunch came and went throughout the conversation, as did even dinner. We talked from around the lunchtime afternoon straight until past midnight. Well, one of the things she mentioned was wondering, the kind that people do when they're in relationships and want to know whether they're doing the right thing, the kind people do when they think about the greener pastures and how everything would be perfect with someone else. She wanted to scour my thoughts on what I thought about wondering.

So, I told her I thought wondering under specific circumstances is okay. For one, everyone does it, even married people. Why they do it, I don't know. Haven't been able to figure that out, but for some reason that's just the way it is. I figure, if it has to be that way, then at least make it positive. People who wonder should be doing their wondering towards the beginning half of a relationship, rather than towards the end like when engaged or ready to take on marriage vows. That way the person doesn't end up hurting their partner by dropping a huge bomb on them about how they never really loved them to begin with.

Also, wondering can be positive if the person wondering takes the opportunity to see the special things they have in the relationship, rather than concentrating on everything they don't like and how it could all be so perfect with someone else. Everyone should know that what they see in someone else first glance is nothing but the best they have to offer. It's easy to imagine things would be perfect when you don't realize that there's that hidden side. I think, essentially, people are drawn to take the easy way out of everything. For everything we have a quick fix, and often a fix that only makes things muddled with complication. No, real answers and solutions take time and effort, real sustained effort.

I think the majority of people use wondering as a way to justifying straying from their partner when things get hard. It's their fight or flight response. They feel uncomfortable or uneasy and fly, fly away from all their problems, foolishly believing that everything will be perfect the next time. And, of course, it never is. Sometimes, people do both: fight and flight. They fight, and when their partner doesn't understand where all the rage and unhappiness is coming from they use that as a justification for flight. Or, they fight in order to give themselves a reason to fly.

Which comes to what Quyen told me last night. She had been wondering, actively wondering until even just last week, and I suppose much more so now. Imagine that, the girlfriend I have come to love and adore was actually wondering, seriously, about what her life would be like with other men. Do I dare say how that made me feel? No....I shant. Although, it would be a blow to many guys to know that their girlfriend was actively wondering this whole time, I resolved to move past that. It simply isn't what counts. What counts is addressing her concerns. What is behind all this wondering? I've found out a substantial number of answers regarding that these past few days, and so, I feel like I can really do something about this. Like I can really make her stop wondering and make her at least try to see in me what I see in her. I do have a chance to be happy.

However, I feel hurt that it's just assumed that I would be so okay with the notion of her wondering. And, don't think I haven't known about the wondering. I've had my own set of suspicions. She has read me emails from online guys, told me about conversations she's always having in chat rooms, with guys who adore her, telling me how so many guys want her and, are actively pursuing her. To top it, she's even been flaunting in my face hanging out with a man who has tried to break us up before and who still wishes to be hers. She suggested living with him in a four room house, just her and him because it makes financial sense. Now, last night she apologized for all of this, this testing my resolve by approaching other men and telling me about it, about doing that to me for about three weeks at least. But, she also said she had planned to be obvious and had left many clues for me to find. I'm wondering, "what clues?" I never found any clues. Not any that I could tangibly see and think about.

In comes last night. After we got off the phone, I set about looking for her clues. What were these clues that she had carefully laid for me? What did they look like? How was I supposed to feel about them when and if I ever found them? So, because I had insomnia from worrying about Quyen (she became ill last night) I had ample time to look for the so-called clues. Finally, I found something. I looked through her email accounts - she had given me the passwords. I thought to myself, if she didn't intend for me to find something awful, then she wouldn't have given me the password. Or rather, anything awful I found in those accounts must have been staged because she knew I could see them if I had wanted. Besides, if there was ever the chance that there was anything she didn't want me to see, and which she wanted to hide from me, I know she's smart enough to have put that in an account that I couldn't get into. Yes, I knew, or so I thought, that whatever I found in those accounts must have, would have been a clue that had been staged for me to find.

I was not prepared for what I found. I found emails from her to men she had met on the internet. That's okay with me mind you. Everyone always has the right to go about making friends. What I was not okay with was that the emails were flagrantly flirtatious. There is no doubt in my mind that any other guy in my position would not have been hurt and angered by that. Not only were they flirtatious, but they spoke of meeting and hanging out - at bars and movies of all places, of meeting when she had just known them now for a few days. To me that looked liked a blanket invitation for the guys to think that something could come out of their "friendship" with her, even if she did have a boyfriend, or vice versa. As it is, she is already going to a chiropractor who came to work once already, on a day when the whole office was closed, just so that he could "attend" to her. A man who charged her only ten dollars. Now, why this is okay, I don't know. But as far as I can tell, and from what I've been told, she just likes the attention and it makes her feel good. So, of course I went to sleep angry. My very own girlfriend was flirting with and meeting other guys. I left a very angry instant messenger away message for the night. Alas, I couldn't even sleep well. My heart was pacing and pounding all night. I had maybe about five hours.

When I woke up, I was greeted to Quyen being angry that I could myself be angry that she was flirting with other men and meeting them without even so much as a few weeks of friendship first, or even days. For one, it's dangerous to meet people from the internet before you get to know them, but moreover, it gives the impression that she wants to establish something with them regardless of whether she's currently in a relationship. She didn't care. As far as I know right now, she still doesn't care how it made me feel. Why? Because she made the issue into something completely different. It wasn't anymore about how she had been flirting, now it was about how I thought she had been cheating on me, and that now there were serious trust issues: 1) I didn't trust her, and 2) She felt I violated her trust by going through her "shit."

I tried to explain to her that I certainly was not accusing her of cheating on me! Where did I say that? How did I say that? I even asked her at what point did that happen, and I was met with the reply that she didn't have to ask. It was implied and she got it. So...I can't argue with that. If she thinks it was implied, then she thinks it was implied. I can't do anything about that, even though I repeatedly stated that it was never my intent to say that. It was never even a consideration. The whole reason I was angry is because of the flirting. Next, I couldn't believe how she could accuse me of violating her trust when she had already given me the password and told me it was okay to go through her accounts, long long ago. I remember it explicitly because I had a problem accepting the password and wanted to be sure with her that she was absolutely okay with it. How can that be a violation of trust? What was the trust being broken? She gave me the right to look through her accounts and I used it. I hadn't before as I might've already said, but what with her telling me that she had been making a concerted effort to leave clues for me and hurt me through jealousy, I looked.

I am hurt and insulted that she is defending what she was doing just because she feels I accused her of cheating and violated her trust. Again, I didn't accuse her. If I had so much as even thought that she was cheating, things would have been very different. I wouldn't have talked about it or let on that I knew. That would be stupid. She would have changed everything she did and found new ways to hide it. I would have taken my time doing some research, testing, and seeing whether or not she really was cheating. That was most obviously not the case this morning. I stated fully what I had seen and how I felt about it, knowing full well that she might change her passwords. Yes, I talked about it because to me it really is an issue when your girlfriend flirts with others guys. And, I wasn't going to sit around and pretend that it didn't bother me. I'm at a loss as to why she thinks this all about cheating. Honestly, I would have waited around to see if that was true if I was actually suspicious. So...I'm left here wondering why she feels that way. Is it because her male friends always fall in love with her, is it because Kevin, her first ex, has been wanting her back and sometimes she wonders about what things would be like with him? She told me once, while she was crying, that she felt guilty about wondering about other guys and leaving me. I'm not sure she remembers that or wants to remember that, but I have to wonder if maybe she's angry at me because there was a point at which she was honestly thinking about breaking up with me and setting up a back-up plan. Maybe I touched a nerve and she wanted more than anything to believe that she had never thought those things.

So now I wait. I wait to see whether she will talk to me again. I wait to see whether or not she even wants to be with me anymore. It is clear to me that she is very angry with me about the past and that even though I had no idea whatsoever, at the time, what it was that was making her angry, she is determined to believe that I let her down. What is confusing about the past is that it was both our fault. I am finally at a point where I can honestly say much of it was my fault, but if she refuses to see that testing me with wierd games was not the right way to go about getting me to change or of making clear to me what was wrong so I could better take care of her, then I don't know what I can do. A small factoid is that although it's relatively simple to please this amazing woman, she wont tell you what she needs unless things have turned bad, even if you implore her, over and over to tell you what it is. The frustration of trying to figure out how to take care of her properly has been amazing. Do you think, does she honestly think I would hesitate to take the first opportunity to take care of her if only I knew what to do? In a clear way moreover, not in the form of games? I am bloodied and exhausted on the battlefield, clinging to the hope that I have fought for what is right, to know that I have journeyed so far that I may spend my life with Quyen. Like she said last night, being in a relationship, being with her is a risk I must be willing to take if I want the spoils of war: a wonderful woman by my side supporting me and making me the happiest man there is. I am here to say that I do take up that risk, that I need only to know what can be done to make sure I get to my destination. I have always been willing to do what needed doing, regardless of whether I got things right. I just have to see if she wants to see a future with us....if she hasn't been so scarred by the past, her ex's and mine to be afraid of trying because it might lead to failure. In the end, what matters is that I will always love Quyen whether she believes it or not. It was never in question, and my having known her has enriched my life, so much so that friends often ask if she has a sister they can date.

CHRIS - Chris' half of Quyen's B-day

As I sit here with marshmellow peep in hand, recollections of days now past arrive. A clarity and freshness captures the moment, bringing to life memories, animating them, and bestowing upon them the vibrance of the present, which is to say, they have shed the brittle trappings of nostalgia. Further, one can conclude that if the moment, the time and place holds a special enough place in our hearts, it will live on forever, unfaded, free from the drain of external complications. That one special moment exists in a place that never changes, never tarnishes; it is to us as depictions of the 1950's and the summer of love are to America.

With the introduction out of the way, let me bring this back down to Earth. This past weekend was not only the July 4th weekend, but Quyen's birthday. And, it was no small birthday indeed. It was her 21st, her coming of age as a woman in the eyes of society. The location was San Diego, one day after the trip to the Del Mar Fair. Oh, and in Quyen's sister's bed. ooooh, plot thickens, lol.

I was sleeping away after a long night of not having slept very well, and it wasn't so much that there was anything particularly wrong with my night, as much as it was being content that made sleeping an ordeal. I wont go any further than to say I was both physically and emotionally content, and so spent much of the night thinking about my lady love. To make a simile of it, it was like one of those times when you're either so stressed out, angry, or free that you can't help but think about what made you feel that way; your mind is monopolized with no regard to hunger, or sleep.

So, here I was, next to Quyen, her soft body pressed againt mine, when in comes her middle sister, Jenni, rushing straight through the door like a small child on a mix of caffeine and sugar. What a drink it must have been. That wild, excited look on her face, authentic and, for the moment, free roused my senses from a state of quasi-sleepiness in a way that only cold water tends to do. As all of this is starting to make sense, Jenni leaps onto my bed, and lands perfectly hunched over Quyen. With Quyen and I nestled under the covers, I don't know how Jenni avoided landing on any one of us, but let's just be thankful she didn't :P That would've been a painful start to a day! And just when you think it's over, Jenni starts singing some sort of happy birthday chant and tells us she's waking us up early because she knows how long it takes Quyen to get ready, and we have breakfast in a little over an hour.

Despite the consideration Jenni put into her happy birthday chant and waking us up early, Quyen and I lost track of time talking about the previous night, and holding each other. Apparently, she had a good time at the fair, even though the last ride we were on brings to mind the thought of death, screaming, and absolute fear. Seriously, I have never been the type to scream on rides, but then this ride happened, came along and changed everything. I was so sick I walked slowly to take care of my stomach, avoided eating any more of that great carnival food, and almost lost my voice from the screaming of just seconds ago. A talk about the carnival, and the "talk" we had in the Volvo later, and we were pressed for time and on course for being very late! By the way, the talk in the Volvo, for you curious types, had to do with the content of our blogs last week, and how to go about repairing the past and understading each other better - a goood thing ;)

In typical Quyen fashion, she went into scary "pressed for time" mode. Let me explain what this mode is like. Quyen becomes easily frustrated, irritated, and snappy, much like her oldest sister. Stern words are no stranger. However, she also becomes a fragile and sensitive person. Her stern behavior is nothing more than a cover for her fear, anxiety, and stress. It's the same thing we each go through during our own tough times, be it when we get up without enough sleep, are dealing with the impending doom of final exams, or are stressing out about any other such thing, like work, relationships, or money.

I've come to understand "pressed for time" mode, and I would say have developed a few coping mechanisms, among them understanding that any harsh words aren't meant to be taken seriously in a mean-spirited way. I just need to figure out how to avoid allowing "pressed for time" mode from stressing me out myself- stressing me out in trying to deal with it, and in trying to figure out how to make Quyen feel better about time and about herself. That's my next big project - finding out how to soothe Quyen during these times.

Anyhow, let's get back to the day itself. Quyen had lost part of her make-up kit and scurried frantically trying to find it. This was real fear my friend. It was her 21st birthday and she didn't want to look anything less than perfect on that day, especially when pictures would be taken and the rest of her family, she knew, would look flawless. Meanwhile, I walked around the house in undies! My clothes, formal clothes, for the day had been wrinkled to the point of shameful, and while I can take a bit of wrinkling in my clothes, moreso than the average person, this was just not going to work. If I had worn these clothes it would have been dishonorable to myself, my family, and Quyen's family. This was not how one dresses on a formal 21st birthday party gathering. My clothes were placed in the drier and I waited, being wholly unable to get ready until they were ready. So, I did what any boyfriend would do: wait around and try to figure out how to calm down my distressed girlfriend. This was not an easy task. When my clothes finally came out of the drier, Quyen was busy trying to put on an earing. One earing. I had, before she was done, put on my pants, tucked in my shirt, secured a dressy belt, found my cell phone, and wallet, and placed on my formal shoes. Quyen looked over at me and stared with disappointment and irritation, shouted for me to go faster because I was going to make her late and was just being lazy. Like I said, this is just a part of her when she's stressed, lol.

Vrooom. Quyen and I were out the house and on our way to a restaurant on the San Diego Bay. We had about ten minutes to make it, but traffic was good to us and we made it off the freeway in time. Finding the restuarant and where her family awaited us, was a different story entirely, filled with stress, confusion, and a commute through parts of San Diego Quyen was unfamiliar with. In our search for the fabled restaurant, Quyen called her eldest sister, Chelle several times for direction. What she didn't count on was Chelle giving bad directions, or being nasty. It was clear Chelle was in a bad mood from what I was able to catch while Quyen was on the phone. What was also obvious was that this wasn't making things any better on Quyen. Already she was dealing with the stress of being late, the idea that she was going to look bad on her 21st birthday, and now she had to deal with her eldest sister being unsupportive and mean-spirited. I tried, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much, to make her feel better, and...if I do say so myself, got her to laugh a few time before the whole ordeal was over. And yes, this was definitely an ordeal: being lost, bad directions, pressed for time, stressed.

Funnel Cake

One of my presents for my Bday was a pair of tickets to the Del Mar Fair in San Diego. Here, you can eat all sorts of fair food and go on fair rides. The thing with fairs is that the food they make there is like the best food of its kind that you can buy and it's also the worst food for you... all at the same time! :P The last time I went to the Fair was with my friend, Jean. That was two years ago when we got on the water log ride and got soaking wet! I remember I was wearing overalls, and because they were completely soaked, I stripped down to my bra and thong and sat in the car as I let her drive my car back to the house :P

This year, I decided to give my extra ticket to Chris and we went together the night before my Bday. The first thing I had to have was a funnel cake topped with strawberries and whipped cream! It's my favorite fair food and I hadn't had it in years! I ate it all by myself (and no, it's not cause I wasn't sharing - Chris didn't want any :P) Then, we got Chris a Charburger (not to be confused with Charmander) and after that, we hit the rides!

We got $21.50 in ride tickets and wanted to ride the best rides. It ended up being 3 rides... Whoa! That's like $3.50 per person per ride! Anyway, we found this crazy one that made us sick... so, we had to just stay on the ground for awhile. I was so disoriented. After a small break, we went on a 2nd ride that wasn't so bad... but the 3rd ride... OMG... I've never been more scared... and I've been bungee jumping! I thought that ride was gonna break away and we were going to die. I can still feel how I thought my head was going to explode from all the screaming... and I'm not talking screaming cuz ur supposed to scream on a ride... but like real screaming in terror screaming! I could feel the funnel cake at the top of my chest after I got off. Chris agrees that was one scary ride. So, I will now make it known that fair rides are way scarier than anything you can get on at Magic Mountain.

After that, Chris got me cheese fries (another of my faves - but only the melted cheese... not the American cheese slice or nacho cheese) After that, we went to look at jewelry and gemstones and some art. The evening ended with a long conversation in the back of the Volvo.

That nite is special to me because it's the first time I felt completely taken care of - from funnel cake to cheese fries to letting me pick the rides to looking at art and jewelry. I'm not saying it's how I want things to be all the time, but it was a welcome change and I welcomed Chris' efforts to provide for me help make me feel secure and important :)

Response

I'm not sure where to begin after reading what came before this entry... I guess I can only be frank... Chris' entry brought up a lot of questions of my own. And moreso, I want to give him the answers he's looking for. I just fear they may not be the answers he wants.

Firstly, I'm surprised we're together. I'm surprised we're even writing in the same blog. I can't comprehend how we've seemingly come so far with so much left unsaid. And now, one year later, it's like it happened 3 days ago. It's so raw and fresh, like warm blood dripping from a dying animal. A bad flashback... and I remember it all from my perspective too.

Jack was my rebound. I used him to make Jay jealous... to show Jay that I wasn't broken because of him... because the past year I had laid around, broken. What Jay did to me stripped me of my beauty, self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect. I knew if I could seduce Jack, I'd have it back... I'd know that my beauty and strength was in the eye of the beholder and it was Jay's fault, not mine, for not being able to see it. I'd been planning for it to be this way ever since I started to thirst for revenge.

This betrayal was set in place long before Chris ever became a character and when he added his role into my dark plan, I had to push him out, like a mother throwing her baby out of a burning building to be saved by firefighters below while she stayed inside, engulfed by the flames. Jack was my tool, not Chris. I never wanted Chris to get involved in my petty war with my ex. I respected and adored Chris, but I had other things to take care of first. I'm just sorry he got caught in my terrible game.

In all honesty, if I hadn't done what I needed to do, I don't think I could have left Jay. I was weak and I depended on him to feed my self-defeat. It was a cycle - I needed him to treat me badly and he did. Jay didn't need me or care about me and so I found someone who did - sexually. Because determining if someone needs you sexually is much more black and white than determining if someone needs you emotionally. I don't think about Jack anymore. He was there for a simple reason and he fulfilled his purpose. In fact, I kicked him out once I felt he had done his job sufficiently. Chris may be mad about that - the fact that I "chose" Jack over him. That somehow, if I choose one before the other, it automatically makes it more important. It's like chess. Sometimes, you have to dispose of the queen before you can go after the king. But you see, Chris wasn't merely a thing to me. To use him to serve my purposes would have meant that he too would have become a vision of the past. I knew that wasn't a gamble I was willing to take. Even if Chris and I had tried to have a fulfilling relationship like he had always wanted, I would have brought all the hurt and pain and anger from my past into his life and I didn't want him to have to endure that. Jack was that buffer. He was the best buffer I could have asked for.

Now you can see me for the malicious person I have the capacity to be. If I had done it over again, I still wouldn't have made Chris go through what I knew he would have had to endure being with me - even if I did want him. I was not a good person. My intentions were not pure. And I knew I did not want him to see that side of me. I wanted him to see the side of me he sees now. The side that wants nothing more than to take care of him and tend to the wounds of the past.

CHRIS - Total 'Train'wreck of Thought

I too have to begin this entry with a little story. I expect that several of you readers have been asking yourselves why I haven't been writing lately, especially given the depth of Quyen's recent entries. Let me assure you, there are many reasons. When Quyen came over to take care of me last week, I was sick, and not just pretend sick or somewhat sick; I was sick all around. My temperature would bounce up and down like some sort of twisted yo-yo. On top of that, I continued to go to work, which, as many of you have read, has been a highly charged stressful environment. By the time I got home, there ws really nothing left for me to give. But, I'm all better now, or at least I can tell myself that and believe it a reasonable amount of the time =P I haven't been writing because of what was said over the weekend, and what was exposed.

It all started Friday morning when Quyen decided to look through the folder I set aside for her on my computer. It has scanned pictures, webcam pics, papers, outlines of her work on becoming a better viola tutor, and old yahoo and instant messenger conversations I used to save. One of those old conversations even tops out at sixty-seven pages! Well, you guess which one Quyen just had to finish reading. And, it's not that I saved it because it contains bad memories or because I thought it would be useful against her if ever I needed to get back at her for something. No, I saved that specific set of conversations because it contained so much of the good that had attracted me to her in the first place. It was her and I at our best.

Let me tell you the story of how Quyen and I met. When I first met Quyen, May of 2003, she was involved with another man, Jay - an ex-navy man, in his thirties I suppose. Not only was she involved with this man, she was set to marry him in little less than a few weeks. From hearing about it, you'd have thought she was living the dream. Yes, wouldn't we all like to think the dream is coming true? But it wasn't. Below the surface, problems persisted from the moment Quyen moved in with him. Jay was against her working, having academic aspirations, did not believe in her (to succeed and more), persistently insulted her family, and did some things that took Quyen's self-confidence and worth away. I've often wondered myself if he loved her, or just loved the idea of being in a relationship. I'd like to say he loved her if only to pretend to myself that Quyen was being treated how a woman of her caliber deserves, but he's now married to another woman he immediately ran to after being left by Quyen.

The groundwork behind my relationship with Quyen is the internet. I found her picture online, during one of my many bored or stressed out moments, and clicked on her. "Yes, I would be interested." She clicked back, and I wrote her an email. lol, she's still unsure whether I wrote her a stock email, but I swear to you it was different, which is not to say I didn't have a stock email prepared and ready to send out to most people- just that I felt like writing something different that day - for what reason, I don't know. When I heard back from her, I almost didn't even didn't respond because I thought she might be a religious, social, political conservative. Now tar me and call me a crow, but having received my education from UC Berkeley, unilateral conservatism wasn't my idea of attractive friend material. However, again, I just felt like responding, and so started a messenger (yahoo and aim) based friendship.

We spent the better part of the next few months building a friendship. Every day, we'd get together on yahoo. She'd be my escape from the stressful reality of trying to finish my teacher credentialing program in a year and a half (while fighting the financial aid offices, and the new retroactive mandates being passed on down by the state), and I'd be her escape from an unhappy relationship, I'd be that safe place where she could feel free to be herself without biting criticism. These were happy times for me, and I pasted my messenger conversations into microsoft word so that I could keep them to look over in the future. Of course, I was falling head over heels for this woman, but I wouldn't, and more importantly, couldn't admit this, to myself, or to her. She was engaged to be married. All I could hope for was the chance to maintain and strengthen my friendship with her. At the same time, she had been confessing to me a fierce crush on someone close to her, and I all the more knew there would never be the kind of place I was dreaming of, for me, in her life. It was a crush I heard about on a daily basis, ironically a crush which crushed me with each elaboration and telling of it.

With the end of June coming on, Quyen and I had begun to make a few short calls to each other, and this too, seemed to oddly work out well. Odd I say because the transition from the net to phone to in person tends to be very hard, and almost always leads to disappointment. Unfortunately, Quyen was planning to leave Jay, and this meant she was preparing to move into a new apartment, where she would be without internet access for some time, access that was central to my friendship with her. The threat of losing her gave a sense of urgency to things and made me realize how much she meant to me. However, I was still not audacious enough to approach her with my feelings. This would be solved by a bad day and too much stress, resulting in a date between I and my good friend: bottle of vodka.

The saved instant messenger conversations Quyen looked through last week included the late night conversation where I finally told her how I felt and had been feeling for so long. It was an honest conversation on my part; I had been drinking, for perhaps the first time in years, because everyone, including some doctor buddies, suggested that I needed to take the edge off and relax. The stress I was going through at the time was grinding me down, and I found myself busy nearly every day, not knowing if I would get my license before California instituted some new requirements, or if I would have a job for the coming year. In that conversation, I thought I had finally discovered that it was okay for me to feel the way I did about Quyen. She had been with someone else when I first met her, and I did my best to hide and to diminish my feelings for her. But, she had decided to leave her then boyfriend of several years, who cheated on her with six people, and still continues to stay in touch with other women. With her boyfriend out of the picture I thought there may have been a chance, but even then, I didn't want to be the guy that preys on vulnerable newly single girls. I wanted to be the guy that she chose to be with because she wanted me, because with a clear frame of mind, she thought I was best for her out of everyone else out there who had been trying to court her. None of this mattered that night as I slipped and let her know how I felt. Even though I felt like a fool for having let it slip. She returned my feelings, and let me know, or so I thought, how much I meant to her. She told me how special I was to her, and that it wasn't just me, she really had been flirting with me this whole time. She told me how excited and free she felt to finally be able to express her feelings for me. The odd thing about that conversation is that it started just as I was getting ready to go to sleep. I had been mulling for more than a few minutes already about going to sleep, but there she was. As soon as I had made my mind to head off for the night, she came online, and we talked for hours.

I spent the next day freaking out, worried that maybe she would take back what she had said, that maybe she would realize that it was all a mistake, or worried that she was only trying to be nice to me because I had started off slightly drunk and I was her good friend. And I waited, and I waited, and I waited some more. Usually, I would hear from her online several times a day, but it I wouldn't hear from her today, and I wouldn't hear from her the next day.

When I finally did hear from her, we didn't talk about us, we didn't talk about our last conversation, or my feelings for her. It was as if, she was so ashamed of having told me she had feelings for me, or of having me develop any feelings for her that she would rather avoid it altogether. And yet, yet she was brighter and sweeter than ever before. She flirted without restraint, and she called me her love, her sweetie. But none of this could make up for the truth. The truth wa she was just toying with my emotions and that really I was just the nice-guy patsy who had set her free so that she could run off with another bad-match. One of the first things she told me was that she had met a new guy. Her excitement, even over the computer, was obvious, and she went into great detail explaining how wonderful this new man of hers, Jack, was. The next day, she laid yet another blow with a single line of text. She told me she had had a wonderful time the night before with Jack, and her best friend at the time, Dan at her party. This was a party she had spent two months trying to get me to attend, and now when I had finally agreed to come over, she completely "forgot" to inform me of when it was happening, and didn't feel one bit bad about it. Instead of feeling at least somewhat bad about not inviting me, she went on to tell me how fun the night had been and made it clear that not inviting me was not an oversight but a calculated decision. The point was made. This new man she had just met over the weekend was already more important to her than I. This man she met just one day after pretending she had any feelings for me, this man was her choice, and I could never be anything to her. I meant so little that I could be replaced by a random man in less than twenty-four hours.

After this, contact between her and I started to die off quickly. It was not the kind of thing I looked forward to, and I resigned myself to never being anything more than a chump to her. I was nothing more than the guy that had to be there for her to have enough strength to leave her unhappy relationship. I was a sacrifice, a martyr for her greater happiness. The next time I heard from her was on the phone. She called me up, and I knew I shouldn't have been excited but I was; I was stupidly excited because I thought that maybe somewhere I still meant something to her. No such luck. She wa calling me because she wanted me to know what a long night of sex she had just had with Jack. She wanted to bask in the glory of his sex, and describe to me in meticulous detail how much she enjoyed his body and the night. She wanted me to know that even her ex-boyfriend knew she was going out that night to get laid. She was proud of it, of hurting him back. She was proud that she could rebound so quickly and find such a prize example of a man. And she wanted to share that with me. I listened, like a captive audience, looking forward to the time she could get off the phone so I could go call up a friend and tell him or her how I felt. To share my pain with them. It wasn't enough that I never meant anything to her, that she didn't want to discuss our conversation, that she found a new man the day after I admitted my feelings, that they had done things, that she invited him to her party and expressly left me out of the invitations, but it was too much to hear how content she was having sex with this new man all night and day. If there had ever been a time I felt special with her, it was gone, and I was left with nothing save the mirages of my imagination, which had once made me feel that there was something between us. That night, I lost all faith in myself. I could no longer count on myself to know when someone was telling the truth or lying, I could no longer depend on myself to read someone's emotions, and despite my good looks, I could no longer believe that my personality and the essence of who I was attracted others.

I know this whole blog feels like patchwork without strong sentence or paragraphs structure, but I needed just to get it out. I haven't been writing in this blog because I've spent the past few days dealing with the past, and wondering what place I do have in Quyen's life. I had to ask myself if she's just lying to herself about how she feels about me, just as she did about the 1st boyfriend I mentioned here. I have to wonder if maybe she's just settling because she doesn't think she can find better. Did she settle on me because things with Jack just never worked out? Did she need someone and I seemed the obvious and convenient choice? Why did she choose me? She rejected me once, meaning whatever I had to offer just wasn't good enough for her. Was I just meant to be with her until she could get back on her feet, and she stays with me because she would feel guilty about leaving me twice? And with what I've been hearing this week on the phone and with the reading, I had to ask myself what it means for her to love me. She says she once loved Allen and Kevin, and yet things fell apart for whatever reason. Does that mean things could fall apart with us too, that what we have maybe is not so special and she's been through it several times with other guys? What does it mean that the night she went off to see Allen at the hospital, she didn't care enough to call me to let me know where she was, and that she was okay, or just to say goodnight? How is it she can say she cried selfishly that night, and yet I was really nowhere in her mind? How is it she can tell me she misses me so badly this week, yet she didn't miss me then. And, I refuse to take the excuse that it's because she was mourning. I've seen many people in my life die and I still have the frame of mind to call others to let them know what's going on. It's important to me that she would have called because we call each other every night, at around the same time, if just to say hello and goodnight. It's become our tradition, and now when I'm knee deep in remembering the past and what I mean to her, this tradition just falls out from under me. It just seemed to me that maybe I wasn't as important to her as I wanted to be, or as much as she had led me to believe.

And then there was last night. I was truly happy for Quyen because she finally achieved some sense of closure, closure that will immediately help make our relationship stronger. The closure she had longed for had hurt her for as long as I remember, and many of the obstacles in our relationship stem directly from Kevin. I can't say there haven't been times when I wish he never existed, if only to free Quyen of so much pain. But, then I get on the phone with her last night, and I listen to her, and it turns out that because Kevin is now a good person, that she can see herself loving the man he is, that she can see a future with him in an alternate reality, that he's her Mr. Right given a different reality and meeting him at different points in their lives. It turns out that just because he's now in a position to fall in love with her for the first time and to act like a real man, he's now the Mr. Right she's always longed for, and now she "knows" he was a good choice from the start. It leaves me feeling useless, the whole thing. First Allen, and then more insultingly, there's Kevin. I just felt like this whole week I was taking a back seat to her ex's, and it hurts me to know that in alternate realities she would have chosen to be with these men, that she feels comfortable forgiving them of everything and identifying them as possible Mr. Rights. If she can so easily envision idyllic scenarios and futures with either of these men as her Mr. Right, then where do I fit in? Why am I here? Why is she with me? Is there a purpose? I want to be more than just a random cog in the wheel of happiness. If I'm interchangeable with her ex's as a Mr. Right, then am I really a Mr. Right, does she really love me, or does she love being in a relationship. I want to be more than just some random piece that can be inserted and replaced at any time. So you can see how this all brings me back to the beginning. In the beginning there was Jay, the boyfriend she left when I first met her, and then there was Jack, the man she decided to hook up with instead of me, and then Allen who she never gave me a good reason for leaving, and then Kevin, who cheated on her. Where do I fit in? Why is it I can always be replaced? I was replaced by Jack, and now I'm seemingly just one possible Mr. Right.

Resolution

I guess I have to begin this entry with a little story... I’ve been dating since I was 15 y/o (and mind you, I've had a fake ID since I was 15 too)... So, I wasn’t just meeting retarded high school boys... Even though I’d go out on dates, I never held hands with any of them... or kissed any of them... or had sex or anything... because I was saving all of myself for Mr. Right... this guy I dreamt about who was everything I ever wanted in a man... clever, funny, sweet, sexy, fit, the list goes on and on... and on, even ;) Well, when I was 17 y/o, I thought I had found him... Mr. Right... he was 17 y/o too... he matched my “qualifications” perfectly! Over time, this was the boy who I first held hands with... who I first kissed... and who I lost my virginity to. It was wonderful! He took me to Homecoming... we paged love notes to each other endlessly (because that was back in the day of pagers)... it was like it was out of a movie... the only problem was that we lived 3 hours away from each other... I lived in San Diego and he lived in Pasadena... Sadly, he ended up cheating on me... and broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces :( I never got over that... that he cheated on me and I gave all my firsts to him instead of someone who would have treated me better... and over time, I realized our “relationship” was entirely sexual, save going out to eat or watching movies (which we never got through because we’d be having sex half way through) So, for years, I dealt with the fact that not only was I a bad judge of character (having given myself up to someone like him) but I was also an idiot because there was never any real basis for having the feelings I had for him in the first place! In fact, I don’t think we ever just laid in bed and not had sex! Maybe I’m wrong in this... but I really do blame him for taking my innocence... he never had to cheat on me or lie to me and tell me he loved me when he didn’t... I always just wished that he could have just respected me and either told me the truth of his intentions or left me alone in the first place... For a long time, it was the biggest mistake of my life and every other b/f I’ve had had to deal with his crimes... I even lost hope that I could ever be happy again :(

Which brings us to tonite... the same guy came over tonite to pick me up and take me out to dinner and a movie in celebration of my Bday (which is on Sunday)... We ended up going to a sushi bar (reminiscent of our very first date) and we talked all about our plans for the future and how we’ve changed and who we are now and just everything! I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher! After dinner, we drove to the movie theater, but the movie we were going to see was all sold out :( So, he’s just like... “Let’s go back to your place and figure something out... maybe we can rent a movie or something”

So, we get back to my place and we both just sit on the couch and start talking... and then we start talking about the past... and I’m just telling him how I’ve felt ever since high school... how I never got over it... how I just now got back the ability to be innocent and open because of Chris... and he’s just like, “What happened between us is seriously one of the 3 biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life” to which I respond, “Choosing you to be my first was definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my life... but I never wanted to be wrong about you... I never wanted to admit to myself that you were inherently a bad person but simply that things didn’t work out between us... I’ve always wanted to think of you as a good person... someone I could have been proud to be with... because then I wouldn’t feel like I was such a bad judge of character” and then he’s like, “Quyen, I’m so lucky and appreciative that even though I did the things I did to you, you have it in your heart to forgive me and be my good friend. That means so much to me” and I’m like, “You'll always have a place in my heart... even if you did do the things you did to me... There was a time when I just wanted to go to LA and slash your tires... but I’d rather be your friend than your enemy”

Then, we started talking about why things didn’t work out and how we were 3 hours away and we didn’t have the freedom or the means to have anything truly meaningful when we were both in high school... and how we didn’t have a fighting chance etc etc...

Then we’re sitting there and he’s just like, “I don’t think it’s wise if we see each other ever again” and I’m like “Why???” and he says, “Honestly, since we started talking again, I’ve gotten to know who Quyen really is and I think I’m falling in love with that person... and if I kept on seeing you, I know I would fall for you completely... and I would die inside knowing that I’m so in love with you and couldn’t do anything about it... I definitely feel you have a future with Chris, and I don't want to impede that because you being happy is way more important than whatever happens with us”

So, he got up and went to the door and turned around and asked me for one last hug... So, we hugged and for the first time ever, I had resolution... I could finally put away the ghost of the less than perfect relationship we had behind us... I finally felt like I could have been something to him... more than just some girl he fucked in high school... but someone he could have really fallen in love with... and for me, someone who I could have been happy having as my first... instead of the one thing I’ve regretted for years...

And I was happy... happy to know I wasn’t wrong about him... that in a different time and a different place... we could have been happy together... he could have been Mr. Right... happy to know I wasn’t a bad judge of character... and in a way, happy to know that, in an alternate reality, I could’ve been happy with my first... Now, I can remember him the way I should have all these years...

At long last... peace.