Quyen - A Study of Life from an Unlikely Source

Mother

2011-10-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my mother was the world to me. In my eyes, she was the quintessential woman: smart, strong, capable, beautiful, talented... She could literally do anything she set her mind on, a trait which I was glad to inherit from her. Anytime I needed saving, she was there to save me. Now that she's the one in need of saving, can I be strong enough for the both of us?

A lot has happened since I was that age. I grew up, lived some life, opened my eyes, and realized that my mother was not a god, but was, in fact, a very flawed mortal. She never trusted anyone but herself, saw no purpose for friendship and community, would betray you at the drop of a dime, and was a very selfish human being overall. There was even a point at which I decided to stop communicating with her completely as I saw her as an "evil organization" - one which limited my human potential.

Fast forward to today, and you'll find she has tenuous relationships with both of my older sisters (it's like we're an on-again, off-again family :P), leaving me as the only one to live in the family home, helping to pay the mortgage. However, the only thing I find myself wanting to do is move out.

My mother is self-employed (like myself), and runs her own business with its own long-time client base. But lately, she hasn't been going to work because she "doesn't feel like it". Instead, she's been partying with her friends, coming home late, drinking, bringing home random men - it's all just so gross! Combine that with the fact that she just cooks and eats and leaves her dishes everywhere... It's too much to take when I work so hard.

She may not speak English well enough to know what the word "enabling" means, but if I could figure out how to say the same word in Vietnamese, I'd walk right into her room right now and say, "Mom, I can't do this anymore. I'm 'chingchongchang'ing you to skip work and be ridiculous with your life by helping pay the mortgage on this house." Yeah, it would go something like that :P

Anyway, this has seriously got to stop. My sisters say I should have jumped ship a long time ago, but how can I abandon my own mother? She has helped me for so long. Isn't it time I help her? Or do I owe it to myself (and my sanity) to do what's right for my life? I feel so stuck... Oh! And for the record, I hope someone puts me out of my misery before I have a chance to get old and ridiculous ;)

Hate

2010-07-05T02:27:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand why people are so willing to spread hate :( No one benefits from disseminating it, definitely not the recipients and I'd be willing to bet that the supporters of it do not either.

Hate seems to be a cycle - the more of it that we experience in life, the harder it is to let go and find resolution. And once hatred becomes a part of your life, you become a part of hatred. You no longer have ownership of your life because you are driven by hate and spreading the "gospel" seems to be the only way to achieve retribution. The only way to "free" oneself from the cycle is acceptance - not only of yourself and your circumstances but also accepting others and their circumstances as well.

We all know that it takes a big person to walk away from a volatile situation. On one hand, you can stay and fight for your beliefs, but the wise person understands that the only way to quiet hate is to silence it with a new brand of hate. It really is a never-ending cycle...

Do we find a solution by not acknowledging the hate that is directed towards us? Some people say that acknowledgement is empowerment. And therein may lie the secret: Hatred is a void - a void that must be filled with purpose and self-worth. By acknowledging the uniqueness and individuality within others outside of the emptiness, we give them a glimpse of what they are when they are not controlled.

Hate does make a difference. It gives us the opportunity to conceptualize and strengthen our resolve for what we hold in our hearts. And as they say, out of great hate can come great love, and the trick is passion. If we can learn to redirect passion, we win.

Life Without Resolve

2010-05-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

So, I'm coming to this point in life where I'm starting to feel a terrible sense of worthlessness set in. It's not the self-loathing kind either. It's more of the type of thinking where I'm questioning whether anything has any worth or not. When I really start to think about it, I'm not sure anything in my life (or life in general) has any true meaning.

I think of life in a few ways. First, it's what we do - our actions, the things we say, how we decide (or not decide) what actions to take in a particular situation. Second, it's who we are - our principles, morals, ethics, ideals, and ideologies. And third, it's how others perceive us (or rather how we are received). Between all three, there forms a dance of how we interpret living, our choices, our worth, and the perceptions of the lives, choices, and worth of those around us.

It has occurred to me that these three facets of life serve as a checks & balance system, much like the US government was set up. For example, take the Grand Wizard of the KKK: He acts in a way which promotes racial supremacy, his beliefs are founded in the same vain, but there are many who do not agree with his life, choices, and worth. Take another example from Mother Theresa: She is regarded as one of history's greatest humanitarians, she holds the triumph of the human spirit, peace, and God in the highest regard, and yet she feels that she can never do enough to attain her goal in life.

I think it is this struggle that motivates each of us to do more, or to do things differently. Even though some aspects of ourselves may agree with each other and support one another, there will always be parts of ourselves that try to undo what we've worked so hard to accomplish. It is this feeling which pushes us to grow and become a greater example of what we once were, but it is also a double-edged sword. It can make us feel like we've trodden down the wrong path and don't know if what we've been doing has been productive or worth our time and effort.

It is here where resolve comes into play. Do you have the resolve to stay on the path and keep working towards your goals? Or have you been disappointed too many times and left with no control over your life that you simply lack the resolve to live and thrive? It certainly explains the lives of those who wish nothing more for themselves than bare minimums - maybe they are just tired of fighting for the ability to live the way they want to, so they just succumb to the way life has been laid out for them. Because although the path of least resistance offers no challenges and no inherent rewards, it is one solution which requires no acknowledgement of the true self to pursue.

So now that we've found the cure to the unexamined life as having resolve and the will to live according to one's true self, where does we find or culture a sense of resolve in ourselves?

Quyen's Surgery!

2004-07-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hey all! Well, I'm going away for surgery now. I hope all goes well and they look GREAT after Dr. Pousti is done! I'll be away for approximately one month or less. I won't be able to move my arms at all or take a shower for the first week and can drive after 2 weeks are over. But I won't be playing viola or doing any auditions or gigs until after about 6-8 weeks.

Just so all of you know, I'll be having a "bra party" to celebrate my 2 new friends in September once most of the swelling goes down. I'll be making appetizers and serving drinks, and in trade for a new bra or piece of boob-related clothing, I'll let you see the wonders of plastic surgery ;) (I'll post my new bra size as the party approaches!) It should be fun! E-mail me if you're interested!

Well, I guess this is goodbye for at least a couple weeks or so. I hope you're all enjoying the summer and wish me luck on Friday, July 23rd @ 7am :)

The Price of Commitment

2004-07-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

The price of commitment is worth paying, for the right person.

Christopher Ruiz, my love, I'm waiting for you outside.

Quyen's 1/2 of Quyen's Bday (condensed version)

2004-07-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

Picking up where Chris left off, we arrived at the Holiday Inn and went up to room 407 (I don't know why I remember that, but I figured it might be important later to know if I wanted to "relive" that day) Anyway, we get to the hotel room where Chelle and Jenni berate my hair and proceed to do something about it to make it look "presentable". I was already uptight about not being pretty enough for the family and my suspicions were confirmed :( Mom and Lew get to the room and we all go down to the Elephant & Castle restaurant where we all opt for the breakfast buffet, complete with custom omelettes and Belgian waffles ;)

After we were finished eating, it was present time! From Newton: a bottle of Grey Goose and some Red Bull; from Jenni and Chelle: a whole bunch of drinking paraphenelia; from Lew and Mom: $100 and Premium seating @ a Padre game (also breakfast and dinner); from Chris: TBA ;)

So, Chris, Mom, Lew and I all take a cab to Petco Park to catch a Padres game. #1) I've never been to a baseball game in my life and #2) Petco Park is the brand new stadium in SD. I was so excited to see what our "premier club" tickets were for! It was this cute little bar-type restaurant setting that came complete with A/C and a bouncer outside to bounce those not fortunate enough to spend $55 a ticket to go! There was free food and a shaded deck to watch the game from with HDTVs showing the game while waiters and waitresses took your order and stood in line to get food from the vendors where the "regular" sports fans go to get their food. It was like going to a ritzy club! It was so amazing! The first thing I did when I got inside was eat cheesecake, chocolate dipped strawberries and fresh-baked cookies! After that, I got a Mimosa from the bar (seeing as I was 21 y/o now) and then went to get our seats. It was sooooooo fun! Chris taught me about the ball game and what the various #s meant and he even bought me garlic fries and cheese nachos all for myself! I was so bloated that I had to go to the bathroom! Anyway, I got back to the private club and cuddled with Chris the rest of the time on the leather couches. The game ended - Padres won and we took a PennyCab (or as Chelle calls them, PaddyWagons) back to the Holiday Inn.

When we got there, Mom bought all of us a round of drinks at the bar. We then got the idea that we should play team billiards. Losers had to buy everyone a round of drinks. Thanks to my pool shark skills, my team never lost - even in the one on one death match between my mother and I. We got soooo drunk!

I don't remember much what happens after this, being intoxicated and all. But Chris says we went up to the hotel room and each couple took a bed and crashed. Chris claims I was lusty and wanted to fuck him with my mom in the next bed and that I admitted to him that I loved him and that things would be okay between us despite our recent fights. I fell asleep and the next thing you know, I wake up and Jenni and Newton are showing us what they bought together at the mall.

Eventually, we get ourselves out of bed to go eat dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House. Now, for those of you who don't know, Ruth's Chris is one of the elite dining spots in San Diego, second only to Mr. A's. It was amazing how good it tasted, especially considering I had bloated myself @ the Padres game. It was the BEST filet mignon I've ever had in my life (and I've been to lots of fancy restaurants) We ended up spending a total of $400 on the meal (not including tip) for only 6 people! It was decadent. Definitely worthy of celebrating my Bday with.

After dinner, we went back to the hotel room and all 3 couples stood holding each other and watches the fireworks which were just magical. They were being sent off at 3 different locations along the SD bay. Afterwards, we watched the ending of Independence Day on TV and just layed on the bed cuddling. It was beautiful... a beautiful end to a wonderful and unforgettable 21st Birthday. I'll never forget that day... never :)

Quyen's Apology to her Blogging Community

2004-07-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the hiatus from blogging, but I'm back now to finish and wrap up the stories that were never told. Hopefully, we can put some of the bad crap that's happened behind us and move on to the fun and reflective times that you have come to expect from this blog. Stay tuned for the 2nd 1/2 of my Bday, my quest to meet new people, and more news on my impending boob job! ;)

CHRIS - Segue to more Blogs

2004-07-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

"Hi friend. You too can make Uncle Sam proud some day." ahem, a-hem! Shouldn't you be in someone else's blog? Or on some commercial where a guy scales a mountain that eerily enough, through the might of the black arts, reflects back the image of several marines? And let me make this clear: I love magic. Lance Burton, David Copperfield, Zamfir the great: all great men.
"Ah.....um......crap. That's the last time I have a pure-syrup slushee's with Bart Simpson and Milhouse." <-- he shuffles away.

Some of you have been wondering: Where have all the blogs gone, which is not unlike Paula Cole's song, Where Have all the Cowboys Gone. One might also find themselves wondering: Where have Quyen's blogs gone? Where are the happy blogs? Or, where has the mountain with the old, wise man gone? I mean, when's the last time you found that old, wise man? I know I've never seen the wilely bastard in my life. For my part, he continues to elude me, and I've come to the conclusion that it must be because his mountain keeps moving all over the place. First the Alps, then the Himalayas, the Appalachians, and so on.

To be serious though, I'll start working on a blog tomorrow. As for your questions, Quyen's been a little down under the weather lately, and although she manages to get through the day, she hasn't the strength to stay up at night writing you guys. Nevertheless, she told me to tell you guys, she loves you! Well, she didn't actually tell me tell me, but it was implied. She has grown somewhat fond of her little blog community.

Finally, let's talk about the sad blogs. Do they mean that only sad things are going on in our lives? By all means: No. There has been quite a bit of good going on too; we just haven't got around to publishing it what with Quyen being ill, and I still working for a research grant/project on improving high school literacy.

So, let me address some concerns before I go on to write any more blogs on the site. Sad things get immediate attention because, as anyone in a relationship knows, they require the same kind of attention and care in real life. As a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a responsibility to yourself and the other person to organize your thoughts, think of possible solutions, calm down, reflect on your emotions, and discuss things with your partner to resolve the issue or issues. Moreover, writing, like music, allows people to effectively organize their thoughts and emotions, with the added and crucial element of reflection. So powerful and transformative can the writing process be, that most credible therapists recommend it to their patients.

If you happen to read more sad blogs in the future, keep in mind that my goal, and that of Quyen's, is not to illicit sympathy from the blogging community, or to slander each other. In my case, I'm fully aware that this is Quyen's home and blog, and that she cultivated a following far before me. For me to assume that I could garner your sympathy when your allegiance is to Quyen is foolish. And although some might question this: How often do you side with your friends even if the other person has a good story and may have valid complaints? Isn't it almost always the case that we take up the cause of our friends without questioning if they were wrong? Well, Quyen is your friend, and she's a great friend to have ;) By the way, some sympathy would be nice once in awhile from those of you who can spare it :P

The question is: why do I write, and what does one write about in blogs? Again, I write because it helps me sort out thoughts and emotions so that I can better deal with the real-life situation. What do I write about? Well, some of you have complained that it's just not fair, it's not right to talk about "sad things", nor is right to speak about whatever might be troubling in the relationship. Yep, far as some of you are concerned, it has to be all pink roses, ruby-red glasses, and a yellow brick road of happiness as far as the eye can see. Well, let me say this in return: this is a blog. People write about what they're going through in their blogs. Blogs are like journals - you know, those little paper things you put your feelings into? That's why blogs also have a time and date stamp for each entry. They are electronic journals. Who the hell ever heard of a journal you only write happy things in, or a journal in which you purposely avoid talking about your love life? No one, and if you have, let's find some help. Make sure you're not scary, and interview some high school girls. Ask them what they write about in journals: boys, relationships, the extremes of happiness and sorrow.

I apologize to all the excellent blog readers out there, but I just had to address the issue before going on. I got tired of instant messages, or email about how I'm wrong to write what I'm feeling, and should avoid saying anything negative in the future. Messages suggesting I should write blogs that only deal with things from Quyen's perspective. You know, if I could pull that off, they'd call me Quyen. Also, regardless of how much you know or love Quyen, this doesn't mean that what I'm experiencing isn't true or happening to me. Just because you don't like reading it, doesn't make it any less valid or true.

By the way, the last few sad blogs have allowed Quyen and I to get many things off our shoulders and improve the relationship. Although, it's taken several hard bumps along the way, the last few weeks have left us with a more comprehensive picture of who our partner is and the experiences that have shaped him or her. More than ever, we're equipped to succeed and take the relationship to the next level. What that level is, I don't know, but I can tell you that marriage is a serious possibility for the future. ;)

CHRIS - Sad Fight :/

2004-07-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm sure that's funny to some of you considering how long my blogs tend to be. But, I need to get the following off my chest. Originally, it had been my intention to finish writing about the wonderful weekend I had with Quyen this July 4th holiday season. That doesn't look to be the case now because I just can't concentrate on that. I'm stuck on the here and now of what just happened.

Quyen and I had a long conversation yesterday, and when I say long I mean long. Lunch came and went throughout the conversation, as did even dinner. We talked from around the lunchtime afternoon straight until past midnight. Well, one of the things she mentioned was wondering, the kind that people do when they're in relationships and want to know whether they're doing the right thing, the kind people do when they think about the greener pastures and how everything would be perfect with someone else. She wanted to scour my thoughts on what I thought about wondering.

So, I told her I thought wondering under specific circumstances is okay. For one, everyone does it, even married people. Why they do it, I don't know. Haven't been able to figure that out, but for some reason that's just the way it is. I figure, if it has to be that way, then at least make it positive. People who wonder should be doing their wondering towards the beginning half of a relationship, rather than towards the end like when engaged or ready to take on marriage vows. That way the person doesn't end up hurting their partner by dropping a huge bomb on them about how they never really loved them to begin with.

Also, wondering can be positive if the person wondering takes the opportunity to see the special things they have in the relationship, rather than concentrating on everything they don't like and how it could all be so perfect with someone else. Everyone should know that what they see in someone else first glance is nothing but the best they have to offer. It's easy to imagine things would be perfect when you don't realize that there's that hidden side. I think, essentially, people are drawn to take the easy way out of everything. For everything we have a quick fix, and often a fix that only makes things muddled with complication. No, real answers and solutions take time and effort, real sustained effort.

I think the majority of people use wondering as a way to justifying straying from their partner when things get hard. It's their fight or flight response. They feel uncomfortable or uneasy and fly, fly away from all their problems, foolishly believing that everything will be perfect the next time. And, of course, it never is. Sometimes, people do both: fight and flight. They fight, and when their partner doesn't understand where all the rage and unhappiness is coming from they use that as a justification for flight. Or, they fight in order to give themselves a reason to fly.

Which comes to what Quyen told me last night. She had been wondering, actively wondering until even just last week, and I suppose much more so now. Imagine that, the girlfriend I have come to love and adore was actually wondering, seriously, about what her life would be like with other men. Do I dare say how that made me feel? No....I shant. Although, it would be a blow to many guys to know that their girlfriend was actively wondering this whole time, I resolved to move past that. It simply isn't what counts. What counts is addressing her concerns. What is behind all this wondering? I've found out a substantial number of answers regarding that these past few days, and so, I feel like I can really do something about this. Like I can really make her stop wondering and make her at least try to see in me what I see in her. I do have a chance to be happy.

However, I feel hurt that it's just assumed that I would be so okay with the notion of her wondering. And, don't think I haven't known about the wondering. I've had my own set of suspicions. She has read me emails from online guys, told me about conversations she's always having in chat rooms, with guys who adore her, telling me how so many guys want her and, are actively pursuing her. To top it, she's even been flaunting in my face hanging out with a man who has tried to break us up before and who still wishes to be hers. She suggested living with him in a four room house, just her and him because it makes financial sense. Now, last night she apologized for all of this, this testing my resolve by approaching other men and telling me about it, about doing that to me for about three weeks at least. But, she also said she had planned to be obvious and had left many clues for me to find. I'm wondering, "what clues?" I never found any clues. Not any that I could tangibly see and think about.

In comes last night. After we got off the phone, I set about looking for her clues. What were these clues that she had carefully laid for me? What did they look like? How was I supposed to feel about them when and if I ever found them? So, because I had insomnia from worrying about Quyen (she became ill last night) I had ample time to look for the so-called clues. Finally, I found something. I looked through her email accounts - she had given me the passwords. I thought to myself, if she didn't intend for me to find something awful, then she wouldn't have given me the password. Or rather, anything awful I found in those accounts must have been staged because she knew I could see them if I had wanted. Besides, if there was ever the chance that there was anything she didn't want me to see, and which she wanted to hide from me, I know she's smart enough to have put that in an account that I couldn't get into. Yes, I knew, or so I thought, that whatever I found in those accounts must have, would have been a clue that had been staged for me to find.

I was not prepared for what I found. I found emails from her to men she had met on the internet. That's okay with me mind you. Everyone always has the right to go about making friends. What I was not okay with was that the emails were flagrantly flirtatious. There is no doubt in my mind that any other guy in my position would not have been hurt and angered by that. Not only were they flirtatious, but they spoke of meeting and hanging out - at bars and movies of all places, of meeting when she had just known them now for a few days. To me that looked liked a blanket invitation for the guys to think that something could come out of their "friendship" with her, even if she did have a boyfriend, or vice versa. As it is, she is already going to a chiropractor who came to work once already, on a day when the whole office was closed, just so that he could "attend" to her. A man who charged her only ten dollars. Now, why this is okay, I don't know. But as far as I can tell, and from what I've been told, she just likes the attention and it makes her feel good. So, of course I went to sleep angry. My very own girlfriend was flirting with and meeting other guys. I left a very angry instant messenger away message for the night. Alas, I couldn't even sleep well. My heart was pacing and pounding all night. I had maybe about five hours.

When I woke up, I was greeted to Quyen being angry that I could myself be angry that she was flirting with other men and meeting them without even so much as a few weeks of friendship first, or even days. For one, it's dangerous to meet people from the internet before you get to know them, but moreover, it gives the impression that she wants to establish something with them regardless of whether she's currently in a relationship. She didn't care. As far as I know right now, she still doesn't care how it made me feel. Why? Because she made the issue into something completely different. It wasn't anymore about how she had been flirting, now it was about how I thought she had been cheating on me, and that now there were serious trust issues: 1) I didn't trust her, and 2) She felt I violated her trust by going through her "shit."

I tried to explain to her that I certainly was not accusing her of cheating on me! Where did I say that? How did I say that? I even asked her at what point did that happen, and I was met with the reply that she didn't have to ask. It was implied and she got it. So...I can't argue with that. If she thinks it was implied, then she thinks it was implied. I can't do anything about that, even though I repeatedly stated that it was never my intent to say that. It was never even a consideration. The whole reason I was angry is because of the flirting. Next, I couldn't believe how she could accuse me of violating her trust when she had already given me the password and told me it was okay to go through her accounts, long long ago. I remember it explicitly because I had a problem accepting the password and wanted to be sure with her that she was absolutely okay with it. How can that be a violation of trust? What was the trust being broken? She gave me the right to look through her accounts and I used it. I hadn't before as I might've already said, but what with her telling me that she had been making a concerted effort to leave clues for me and hurt me through jealousy, I looked.

I am hurt and insulted that she is defending what she was doing just because she feels I accused her of cheating and violated her trust. Again, I didn't accuse her. If I had so much as even thought that she was cheating, things would have been very different. I wouldn't have talked about it or let on that I knew. That would be stupid. She would have changed everything she did and found new ways to hide it. I would have taken my time doing some research, testing, and seeing whether or not she really was cheating. That was most obviously not the case this morning. I stated fully what I had seen and how I felt about it, knowing full well that she might change her passwords. Yes, I talked about it because to me it really is an issue when your girlfriend flirts with others guys. And, I wasn't going to sit around and pretend that it didn't bother me. I'm at a loss as to why she thinks this all about cheating. Honestly, I would have waited around to see if that was true if I was actually suspicious. So...I'm left here wondering why she feels that way. Is it because her male friends always fall in love with her, is it because Kevin, her first ex, has been wanting her back and sometimes she wonders about what things would be like with him? She told me once, while she was crying, that she felt guilty about wondering about other guys and leaving me. I'm not sure she remembers that or wants to remember that, but I have to wonder if maybe she's angry at me because there was a point at which she was honestly thinking about breaking up with me and setting up a back-up plan. Maybe I touched a nerve and she wanted more than anything to believe that she had never thought those things.

So now I wait. I wait to see whether she will talk to me again. I wait to see whether or not she even wants to be with me anymore. It is clear to me that she is very angry with me about the past and that even though I had no idea whatsoever, at the time, what it was that was making her angry, she is determined to believe that I let her down. What is confusing about the past is that it was both our fault. I am finally at a point where I can honestly say much of it was my fault, but if she refuses to see that testing me with wierd games was not the right way to go about getting me to change or of making clear to me what was wrong so I could better take care of her, then I don't know what I can do. A small factoid is that although it's relatively simple to please this amazing woman, she wont tell you what she needs unless things have turned bad, even if you implore her, over and over to tell you what it is. The frustration of trying to figure out how to take care of her properly has been amazing. Do you think, does she honestly think I would hesitate to take the first opportunity to take care of her if only I knew what to do? In a clear way moreover, not in the form of games? I am bloodied and exhausted on the battlefield, clinging to the hope that I have fought for what is right, to know that I have journeyed so far that I may spend my life with Quyen. Like she said last night, being in a relationship, being with her is a risk I must be willing to take if I want the spoils of war: a wonderful woman by my side supporting me and making me the happiest man there is. I am here to say that I do take up that risk, that I need only to know what can be done to make sure I get to my destination. I have always been willing to do what needed doing, regardless of whether I got things right. I just have to see if she wants to see a future with us....if she hasn't been so scarred by the past, her ex's and mine to be afraid of trying because it might lead to failure. In the end, what matters is that I will always love Quyen whether she believes it or not. It was never in question, and my having known her has enriched my life, so much so that friends often ask if she has a sister they can date.

CHRIS - Chris' half of Quyen's B-day

2004-07-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

As I sit here with marshmellow peep in hand, recollections of days now past arrive. A clarity and freshness captures the moment, bringing to life memories, animating them, and bestowing upon them the vibrance of the present, which is to say, they have shed the brittle trappings of nostalgia. Further, one can conclude that if the moment, the time and place holds a special enough place in our hearts, it will live on forever, unfaded, free from the drain of external complications. That one special moment exists in a place that never changes, never tarnishes; it is to us as depictions of the 1950's and the summer of love are to America.

With the introduction out of the way, let me bring this back down to Earth. This past weekend was not only the July 4th weekend, but Quyen's birthday. And, it was no small birthday indeed. It was her 21st, her coming of age as a woman in the eyes of society. The location was San Diego, one day after the trip to the Del Mar Fair. Oh, and in Quyen's sister's bed. ooooh, plot thickens, lol.

I was sleeping away after a long night of not having slept very well, and it wasn't so much that there was anything particularly wrong with my night, as much as it was being content that made sleeping an ordeal. I wont go any further than to say I was both physically and emotionally content, and so spent much of the night thinking about my lady love. To make a simile of it, it was like one of those times when you're either so stressed out, angry, or free that you can't help but think about what made you feel that way; your mind is monopolized with no regard to hunger, or sleep.

So, here I was, next to Quyen, her soft body pressed againt mine, when in comes her middle sister, Jenni, rushing straight through the door like a small child on a mix of caffeine and sugar. What a drink it must have been. That wild, excited look on her face, authentic and, for the moment, free roused my senses from a state of quasi-sleepiness in a way that only cold water tends to do. As all of this is starting to make sense, Jenni leaps onto my bed, and lands perfectly hunched over Quyen. With Quyen and I nestled under the covers, I don't know how Jenni avoided landing on any one of us, but let's just be thankful she didn't :P That would've been a painful start to a day! And just when you think it's over, Jenni starts singing some sort of happy birthday chant and tells us she's waking us up early because she knows how long it takes Quyen to get ready, and we have breakfast in a little over an hour.

Despite the consideration Jenni put into her happy birthday chant and waking us up early, Quyen and I lost track of time talking about the previous night, and holding each other. Apparently, she had a good time at the fair, even though the last ride we were on brings to mind the thought of death, screaming, and absolute fear. Seriously, I have never been the type to scream on rides, but then this ride happened, came along and changed everything. I was so sick I walked slowly to take care of my stomach, avoided eating any more of that great carnival food, and almost lost my voice from the screaming of just seconds ago. A talk about the carnival, and the "talk" we had in the Volvo later, and we were pressed for time and on course for being very late! By the way, the talk in the Volvo, for you curious types, had to do with the content of our blogs last week, and how to go about repairing the past and understading each other better - a goood thing ;)

In typical Quyen fashion, she went into scary "pressed for time" mode. Let me explain what this mode is like. Quyen becomes easily frustrated, irritated, and snappy, much like her oldest sister. Stern words are no stranger. However, she also becomes a fragile and sensitive person. Her stern behavior is nothing more than a cover for her fear, anxiety, and stress. It's the same thing we each go through during our own tough times, be it when we get up without enough sleep, are dealing with the impending doom of final exams, or are stressing out about any other such thing, like work, relationships, or money.

I've come to understand "pressed for time" mode, and I would say have developed a few coping mechanisms, among them understanding that any harsh words aren't meant to be taken seriously in a mean-spirited way. I just need to figure out how to avoid allowing "pressed for time" mode from stressing me out myself- stressing me out in trying to deal with it, and in trying to figure out how to make Quyen feel better about time and about herself. That's my next big project - finding out how to soothe Quyen during these times.

Anyhow, let's get back to the day itself. Quyen had lost part of her make-up kit and scurried frantically trying to find it. This was real fear my friend. It was her 21st birthday and she didn't want to look anything less than perfect on that day, especially when pictures would be taken and the rest of her family, she knew, would look flawless. Meanwhile, I walked around the house in undies! My clothes, formal clothes, for the day had been wrinkled to the point of shameful, and while I can take a bit of wrinkling in my clothes, moreso than the average person, this was just not going to work. If I had worn these clothes it would have been dishonorable to myself, my family, and Quyen's family. This was not how one dresses on a formal 21st birthday party gathering. My clothes were placed in the drier and I waited, being wholly unable to get ready until they were ready. So, I did what any boyfriend would do: wait around and try to figure out how to calm down my distressed girlfriend. This was not an easy task. When my clothes finally came out of the drier, Quyen was busy trying to put on an earing. One earing. I had, before she was done, put on my pants, tucked in my shirt, secured a dressy belt, found my cell phone, and wallet, and placed on my formal shoes. Quyen looked over at me and stared with disappointment and irritation, shouted for me to go faster because I was going to make her late and was just being lazy. Like I said, this is just a part of her when she's stressed, lol.

Vrooom. Quyen and I were out the house and on our way to a restaurant on the San Diego Bay. We had about ten minutes to make it, but traffic was good to us and we made it off the freeway in time. Finding the restuarant and where her family awaited us, was a different story entirely, filled with stress, confusion, and a commute through parts of San Diego Quyen was unfamiliar with. In our search for the fabled restaurant, Quyen called her eldest sister, Chelle several times for direction. What she didn't count on was Chelle giving bad directions, or being nasty. It was clear Chelle was in a bad mood from what I was able to catch while Quyen was on the phone. What was also obvious was that this wasn't making things any better on Quyen. Already she was dealing with the stress of being late, the idea that she was going to look bad on her 21st birthday, and now she had to deal with her eldest sister being unsupportive and mean-spirited. I tried, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much, to make her feel better, and...if I do say so myself, got her to laugh a few time before the whole ordeal was over. And yes, this was definitely an ordeal: being lost, bad directions, pressed for time, stressed.

Funnel Cake

2004-07-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

One of my presents for my Bday was a pair of tickets to the Del Mar Fair in San Diego. Here, you can eat all sorts of fair food and go on fair rides. The thing with fairs is that the food they make there is like the best food of its kind that you can buy and it's also the worst food for you... all at the same time! :P The last time I went to the Fair was with my friend, Jean. That was two years ago when we got on the water log ride and got soaking wet! I remember I was wearing overalls, and because they were completely soaked, I stripped down to my bra and thong and sat in the car as I let her drive my car back to the house :P

This year, I decided to give my extra ticket to Chris and we went together the night before my Bday. The first thing I had to have was a funnel cake topped with strawberries and whipped cream! It's my favorite fair food and I hadn't had it in years! I ate it all by myself (and no, it's not cause I wasn't sharing - Chris didn't want any :P) Then, we got Chris a Charburger (not to be confused with Charmander) and after that, we hit the rides!

We got $21.50 in ride tickets and wanted to ride the best rides. It ended up being 3 rides... Whoa! That's like $3.50 per person per ride! Anyway, we found this crazy one that made us sick... so, we had to just stay on the ground for awhile. I was so disoriented. After a small break, we went on a 2nd ride that wasn't so bad... but the 3rd ride... OMG... I've never been more scared... and I've been bungee jumping! I thought that ride was gonna break away and we were going to die. I can still feel how I thought my head was going to explode from all the screaming... and I'm not talking screaming cuz ur supposed to scream on a ride... but like real screaming in terror screaming! I could feel the funnel cake at the top of my chest after I got off. Chris agrees that was one scary ride. So, I will now make it known that fair rides are way scarier than anything you can get on at Magic Mountain.

After that, Chris got me cheese fries (another of my faves - but only the melted cheese... not the American cheese slice or nacho cheese) After that, we went to look at jewelry and gemstones and some art. The evening ended with a long conversation in the back of the Volvo.

That nite is special to me because it's the first time I felt completely taken care of - from funnel cake to cheese fries to letting me pick the rides to looking at art and jewelry. I'm not saying it's how I want things to be all the time, but it was a welcome change and I welcomed Chris' efforts to provide for me help make me feel secure and important :)

Response

2004-07-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin after reading what came before this entry... I guess I can only be frank... Chris' entry brought up a lot of questions of my own. And moreso, I want to give him the answers he's looking for. I just fear they may not be the answers he wants.

Firstly, I'm surprised we're together. I'm surprised we're even writing in the same blog. I can't comprehend how we've seemingly come so far with so much left unsaid. And now, one year later, it's like it happened 3 days ago. It's so raw and fresh, like warm blood dripping from a dying animal. A bad flashback... and I remember it all from my perspective too.

Jack was my rebound. I used him to make Jay jealous... to show Jay that I wasn't broken because of him... because the past year I had laid around, broken. What Jay did to me stripped me of my beauty, self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect. I knew if I could seduce Jack, I'd have it back... I'd know that my beauty and strength was in the eye of the beholder and it was Jay's fault, not mine, for not being able to see it. I'd been planning for it to be this way ever since I started to thirst for revenge.

This betrayal was set in place long before Chris ever became a character and when he added his role into my dark plan, I had to push him out, like a mother throwing her baby out of a burning building to be saved by firefighters below while she stayed inside, engulfed by the flames. Jack was my tool, not Chris. I never wanted Chris to get involved in my petty war with my ex. I respected and adored Chris, but I had other things to take care of first. I'm just sorry he got caught in my terrible game.

In all honesty, if I hadn't done what I needed to do, I don't think I could have left Jay. I was weak and I depended on him to feed my self-defeat. It was a cycle - I needed him to treat me badly and he did. Jay didn't need me or care about me and so I found someone who did - sexually. Because determining if someone needs you sexually is much more black and white than determining if someone needs you emotionally. I don't think about Jack anymore. He was there for a simple reason and he fulfilled his purpose. In fact, I kicked him out once I felt he had done his job sufficiently. Chris may be mad about that - the fact that I "chose" Jack over him. That somehow, if I choose one before the other, it automatically makes it more important. It's like chess. Sometimes, you have to dispose of the queen before you can go after the king. But you see, Chris wasn't merely a thing to me. To use him to serve my purposes would have meant that he too would have become a vision of the past. I knew that wasn't a gamble I was willing to take. Even if Chris and I had tried to have a fulfilling relationship like he had always wanted, I would have brought all the hurt and pain and anger from my past into his life and I didn't want him to have to endure that. Jack was that buffer. He was the best buffer I could have asked for.

Now you can see me for the malicious person I have the capacity to be. If I had done it over again, I still wouldn't have made Chris go through what I knew he would have had to endure being with me - even if I did want him. I was not a good person. My intentions were not pure. And I knew I did not want him to see that side of me. I wanted him to see the side of me he sees now. The side that wants nothing more than to take care of him and tend to the wounds of the past.

CHRIS - Total 'Train'wreck of Thought

2004-07-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

I too have to begin this entry with a little story. I expect that several of you readers have been asking yourselves why I haven't been writing lately, especially given the depth of Quyen's recent entries. Let me assure you, there are many reasons. When Quyen came over to take care of me last week, I was sick, and not just pretend sick or somewhat sick; I was sick all around. My temperature would bounce up and down like some sort of twisted yo-yo. On top of that, I continued to go to work, which, as many of you have read, has been a highly charged stressful environment. By the time I got home, there ws really nothing left for me to give. But, I'm all better now, or at least I can tell myself that and believe it a reasonable amount of the time =P I haven't been writing because of what was said over the weekend, and what was exposed.

It all started Friday morning when Quyen decided to look through the folder I set aside for her on my computer. It has scanned pictures, webcam pics, papers, outlines of her work on becoming a better viola tutor, and old yahoo and instant messenger conversations I used to save. One of those old conversations even tops out at sixty-seven pages! Well, you guess which one Quyen just had to finish reading. And, it's not that I saved it because it contains bad memories or because I thought it would be useful against her if ever I needed to get back at her for something. No, I saved that specific set of conversations because it contained so much of the good that had attracted me to her in the first place. It was her and I at our best.

Let me tell you the story of how Quyen and I met. When I first met Quyen, May of 2003, she was involved with another man, Jay - an ex-navy man, in his thirties I suppose. Not only was she involved with this man, she was set to marry him in little less than a few weeks. From hearing about it, you'd have thought she was living the dream. Yes, wouldn't we all like to think the dream is coming true? But it wasn't. Below the surface, problems persisted from the moment Quyen moved in with him. Jay was against her working, having academic aspirations, did not believe in her (to succeed and more), persistently insulted her family, and did some things that took Quyen's self-confidence and worth away. I've often wondered myself if he loved her, or just loved the idea of being in a relationship. I'd like to say he loved her if only to pretend to myself that Quyen was being treated how a woman of her caliber deserves, but he's now married to another woman he immediately ran to after being left by Quyen.

The groundwork behind my relationship with Quyen is the internet. I found her picture online, during one of my many bored or stressed out moments, and clicked on her. "Yes, I would be interested." She clicked back, and I wrote her an email. lol, she's still unsure whether I wrote her a stock email, but I swear to you it was different, which is not to say I didn't have a stock email prepared and ready to send out to most people- just that I felt like writing something different that day - for what reason, I don't know. When I heard back from her, I almost didn't even didn't respond because I thought she might be a religious, social, political conservative. Now tar me and call me a crow, but having received my education from UC Berkeley, unilateral conservatism wasn't my idea of attractive friend material. However, again, I just felt like responding, and so started a messenger (yahoo and aim) based friendship.

We spent the better part of the next few months building a friendship. Every day, we'd get together on yahoo. She'd be my escape from the stressful reality of trying to finish my teacher credentialing program in a year and a half (while fighting the financial aid offices, and the new retroactive mandates being passed on down by the state), and I'd be her escape from an unhappy relationship, I'd be that safe place where she could feel free to be herself without biting criticism. These were happy times for me, and I pasted my messenger conversations into microsoft word so that I could keep them to look over in the future. Of course, I was falling head over heels for this woman, but I wouldn't, and more importantly, couldn't admit this, to myself, or to her. She was engaged to be married. All I could hope for was the chance to maintain and strengthen my friendship with her. At the same time, she had been confessing to me a fierce crush on someone close to her, and I all the more knew there would never be the kind of place I was dreaming of, for me, in her life. It was a crush I heard about on a daily basis, ironically a crush which crushed me with each elaboration and telling of it.

With the end of June coming on, Quyen and I had begun to make a few short calls to each other, and this too, seemed to oddly work out well. Odd I say because the transition from the net to phone to in person tends to be very hard, and almost always leads to disappointment. Unfortunately, Quyen was planning to leave Jay, and this meant she was preparing to move into a new apartment, where she would be without internet access for some time, access that was central to my friendship with her. The threat of losing her gave a sense of urgency to things and made me realize how much she meant to me. However, I was still not audacious enough to approach her with my feelings. This would be solved by a bad day and too much stress, resulting in a date between I and my good friend: bottle of vodka.

The saved instant messenger conversations Quyen looked through last week included the late night conversation where I finally told her how I felt and had been feeling for so long. It was an honest conversation on my part; I had been drinking, for perhaps the first time in years, because everyone, including some doctor buddies, suggested that I needed to take the edge off and relax. The stress I was going through at the time was grinding me down, and I found myself busy nearly every day, not knowing if I would get my license before California instituted some new requirements, or if I would have a job for the coming year. In that conversation, I thought I had finally discovered that it was okay for me to feel the way I did about Quyen. She had been with someone else when I first met her, and I did my best to hide and to diminish my feelings for her. But, she had decided to leave her then boyfriend of several years, who cheated on her with six people, and still continues to stay in touch with other women. With her boyfriend out of the picture I thought there may have been a chance, but even then, I didn't want to be the guy that preys on vulnerable newly single girls. I wanted to be the guy that she chose to be with because she wanted me, because with a clear frame of mind, she thought I was best for her out of everyone else out there who had been trying to court her. None of this mattered that night as I slipped and let her know how I felt. Even though I felt like a fool for having let it slip. She returned my feelings, and let me know, or so I thought, how much I meant to her. She told me how special I was to her, and that it wasn't just me, she really had been flirting with me this whole time. She told me how excited and free she felt to finally be able to express her feelings for me. The odd thing about that conversation is that it started just as I was getting ready to go to sleep. I had been mulling for more than a few minutes already about going to sleep, but there she was. As soon as I had made my mind to head off for the night, she came online, and we talked for hours.

I spent the next day freaking out, worried that maybe she would take back what she had said, that maybe she would realize that it was all a mistake, or worried that she was only trying to be nice to me because I had started off slightly drunk and I was her good friend. And I waited, and I waited, and I waited some more. Usually, I would hear from her online several times a day, but it I wouldn't hear from her today, and I wouldn't hear from her the next day.

When I finally did hear from her, we didn't talk about us, we didn't talk about our last conversation, or my feelings for her. It was as if, she was so ashamed of having told me she had feelings for me, or of having me develop any feelings for her that she would rather avoid it altogether. And yet, yet she was brighter and sweeter than ever before. She flirted without restraint, and she called me her love, her sweetie. But none of this could make up for the truth. The truth wa she was just toying with my emotions and that really I was just the nice-guy patsy who had set her free so that she could run off with another bad-match. One of the first things she told me was that she had met a new guy. Her excitement, even over the computer, was obvious, and she went into great detail explaining how wonderful this new man of hers, Jack, was. The next day, she laid yet another blow with a single line of text. She told me she had had a wonderful time the night before with Jack, and her best friend at the time, Dan at her party. This was a party she had spent two months trying to get me to attend, and now when I had finally agreed to come over, she completely "forgot" to inform me of when it was happening, and didn't feel one bit bad about it. Instead of feeling at least somewhat bad about not inviting me, she went on to tell me how fun the night had been and made it clear that not inviting me was not an oversight but a calculated decision. The point was made. This new man she had just met over the weekend was already more important to her than I. This man she met just one day after pretending she had any feelings for me, this man was her choice, and I could never be anything to her. I meant so little that I could be replaced by a random man in less than twenty-four hours.

After this, contact between her and I started to die off quickly. It was not the kind of thing I looked forward to, and I resigned myself to never being anything more than a chump to her. I was nothing more than the guy that had to be there for her to have enough strength to leave her unhappy relationship. I was a sacrifice, a martyr for her greater happiness. The next time I heard from her was on the phone. She called me up, and I knew I shouldn't have been excited but I was; I was stupidly excited because I thought that maybe somewhere I still meant something to her. No such luck. She wa calling me because she wanted me to know what a long night of sex she had just had with Jack. She wanted to bask in the glory of his sex, and describe to me in meticulous detail how much she enjoyed his body and the night. She wanted me to know that even her ex-boyfriend knew she was going out that night to get laid. She was proud of it, of hurting him back. She was proud that she could rebound so quickly and find such a prize example of a man. And she wanted to share that with me. I listened, like a captive audience, looking forward to the time she could get off the phone so I could go call up a friend and tell him or her how I felt. To share my pain with them. It wasn't enough that I never meant anything to her, that she didn't want to discuss our conversation, that she found a new man the day after I admitted my feelings, that they had done things, that she invited him to her party and expressly left me out of the invitations, but it was too much to hear how content she was having sex with this new man all night and day. If there had ever been a time I felt special with her, it was gone, and I was left with nothing save the mirages of my imagination, which had once made me feel that there was something between us. That night, I lost all faith in myself. I could no longer count on myself to know when someone was telling the truth or lying, I could no longer depend on myself to read someone's emotions, and despite my good looks, I could no longer believe that my personality and the essence of who I was attracted others.

I know this whole blog feels like patchwork without strong sentence or paragraphs structure, but I needed just to get it out. I haven't been writing in this blog because I've spent the past few days dealing with the past, and wondering what place I do have in Quyen's life. I had to ask myself if she's just lying to herself about how she feels about me, just as she did about the 1st boyfriend I mentioned here. I have to wonder if maybe she's just settling because she doesn't think she can find better. Did she settle on me because things with Jack just never worked out? Did she need someone and I seemed the obvious and convenient choice? Why did she choose me? She rejected me once, meaning whatever I had to offer just wasn't good enough for her. Was I just meant to be with her until she could get back on her feet, and she stays with me because she would feel guilty about leaving me twice? And with what I've been hearing this week on the phone and with the reading, I had to ask myself what it means for her to love me. She says she once loved Allen and Kevin, and yet things fell apart for whatever reason. Does that mean things could fall apart with us too, that what we have maybe is not so special and she's been through it several times with other guys? What does it mean that the night she went off to see Allen at the hospital, she didn't care enough to call me to let me know where she was, and that she was okay, or just to say goodnight? How is it she can say she cried selfishly that night, and yet I was really nowhere in her mind? How is it she can tell me she misses me so badly this week, yet she didn't miss me then. And, I refuse to take the excuse that it's because she was mourning. I've seen many people in my life die and I still have the frame of mind to call others to let them know what's going on. It's important to me that she would have called because we call each other every night, at around the same time, if just to say hello and goodnight. It's become our tradition, and now when I'm knee deep in remembering the past and what I mean to her, this tradition just falls out from under me. It just seemed to me that maybe I wasn't as important to her as I wanted to be, or as much as she had led me to believe.

And then there was last night. I was truly happy for Quyen because she finally achieved some sense of closure, closure that will immediately help make our relationship stronger. The closure she had longed for had hurt her for as long as I remember, and many of the obstacles in our relationship stem directly from Kevin. I can't say there haven't been times when I wish he never existed, if only to free Quyen of so much pain. But, then I get on the phone with her last night, and I listen to her, and it turns out that because Kevin is now a good person, that she can see herself loving the man he is, that she can see a future with him in an alternate reality, that he's her Mr. Right given a different reality and meeting him at different points in their lives. It turns out that just because he's now in a position to fall in love with her for the first time and to act like a real man, he's now the Mr. Right she's always longed for, and now she "knows" he was a good choice from the start. It leaves me feeling useless, the whole thing. First Allen, and then more insultingly, there's Kevin. I just felt like this whole week I was taking a back seat to her ex's, and it hurts me to know that in alternate realities she would have chosen to be with these men, that she feels comfortable forgiving them of everything and identifying them as possible Mr. Rights. If she can so easily envision idyllic scenarios and futures with either of these men as her Mr. Right, then where do I fit in? Why am I here? Why is she with me? Is there a purpose? I want to be more than just a random cog in the wheel of happiness. If I'm interchangeable with her ex's as a Mr. Right, then am I really a Mr. Right, does she really love me, or does she love being in a relationship. I want to be more than just some random piece that can be inserted and replaced at any time. So you can see how this all brings me back to the beginning. In the beginning there was Jay, the boyfriend she left when I first met her, and then there was Jack, the man she decided to hook up with instead of me, and then Allen who she never gave me a good reason for leaving, and then Kevin, who cheated on her. Where do I fit in? Why is it I can always be replaced? I was replaced by Jack, and now I'm seemingly just one possible Mr. Right.

Resolution

2004-06-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

I guess I have to begin this entry with a little story... I’ve been dating since I was 15 y/o (and mind you, I've had a fake ID since I was 15 too)... So, I wasn’t just meeting retarded high school boys... Even though I’d go out on dates, I never held hands with any of them... or kissed any of them... or had sex or anything... because I was saving all of myself for Mr. Right... this guy I dreamt about who was everything I ever wanted in a man... clever, funny, sweet, sexy, fit, the list goes on and on... and on, even ;) Well, when I was 17 y/o, I thought I had found him... Mr. Right... he was 17 y/o too... he matched my “qualifications” perfectly! Over time, this was the boy who I first held hands with... who I first kissed... and who I lost my virginity to. It was wonderful! He took me to Homecoming... we paged love notes to each other endlessly (because that was back in the day of pagers)... it was like it was out of a movie... the only problem was that we lived 3 hours away from each other... I lived in San Diego and he lived in Pasadena... Sadly, he ended up cheating on me... and broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces :( I never got over that... that he cheated on me and I gave all my firsts to him instead of someone who would have treated me better... and over time, I realized our “relationship” was entirely sexual, save going out to eat or watching movies (which we never got through because we’d be having sex half way through) So, for years, I dealt with the fact that not only was I a bad judge of character (having given myself up to someone like him) but I was also an idiot because there was never any real basis for having the feelings I had for him in the first place! In fact, I don’t think we ever just laid in bed and not had sex! Maybe I’m wrong in this... but I really do blame him for taking my innocence... he never had to cheat on me or lie to me and tell me he loved me when he didn’t... I always just wished that he could have just respected me and either told me the truth of his intentions or left me alone in the first place... For a long time, it was the biggest mistake of my life and every other b/f I’ve had had to deal with his crimes... I even lost hope that I could ever be happy again :(

Which brings us to tonite... the same guy came over tonite to pick me up and take me out to dinner and a movie in celebration of my Bday (which is on Sunday)... We ended up going to a sushi bar (reminiscent of our very first date) and we talked all about our plans for the future and how we’ve changed and who we are now and just everything! I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher! After dinner, we drove to the movie theater, but the movie we were going to see was all sold out :( So, he’s just like... “Let’s go back to your place and figure something out... maybe we can rent a movie or something”

So, we get back to my place and we both just sit on the couch and start talking... and then we start talking about the past... and I’m just telling him how I’ve felt ever since high school... how I never got over it... how I just now got back the ability to be innocent and open because of Chris... and he’s just like, “What happened between us is seriously one of the 3 biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life” to which I respond, “Choosing you to be my first was definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my life... but I never wanted to be wrong about you... I never wanted to admit to myself that you were inherently a bad person but simply that things didn’t work out between us... I’ve always wanted to think of you as a good person... someone I could have been proud to be with... because then I wouldn’t feel like I was such a bad judge of character” and then he’s like, “Quyen, I’m so lucky and appreciative that even though I did the things I did to you, you have it in your heart to forgive me and be my good friend. That means so much to me” and I’m like, “You'll always have a place in my heart... even if you did do the things you did to me... There was a time when I just wanted to go to LA and slash your tires... but I’d rather be your friend than your enemy”

Then, we started talking about why things didn’t work out and how we were 3 hours away and we didn’t have the freedom or the means to have anything truly meaningful when we were both in high school... and how we didn’t have a fighting chance etc etc...

Then we’re sitting there and he’s just like, “I don’t think it’s wise if we see each other ever again” and I’m like “Why???” and he says, “Honestly, since we started talking again, I’ve gotten to know who Quyen really is and I think I’m falling in love with that person... and if I kept on seeing you, I know I would fall for you completely... and I would die inside knowing that I’m so in love with you and couldn’t do anything about it... I definitely feel you have a future with Chris, and I don't want to impede that because you being happy is way more important than whatever happens with us”

So, he got up and went to the door and turned around and asked me for one last hug... So, we hugged and for the first time ever, I had resolution... I could finally put away the ghost of the less than perfect relationship we had behind us... I finally felt like I could have been something to him... more than just some girl he fucked in high school... but someone he could have really fallen in love with... and for me, someone who I could have been happy having as my first... instead of the one thing I’ve regretted for years...

And I was happy... happy to know I wasn’t wrong about him... that in a different time and a different place... we could have been happy together... he could have been Mr. Right... happy to know I wasn’t a bad judge of character... and in a way, happy to know that, in an alternate reality, I could’ve been happy with my first... Now, I can remember him the way I should have all these years...

At long last... peace.

Epiphany

2004-06-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that there will always be a place in your heart for those people whom you've loved in the past. One of my ex b/fs was in a really bad car accident yesterday and I went to see him. I'm not sure what possessed me to drop everything and go... but I did... I'd like to think it was because he still had a place in my heart and me in his... that maybe if I were in an accident, he'd drop everything and rush to my bedside too. By the time I got to the hospital, he was already in intensive care. From what I heard, he was driving around 90 on the freeway, someone cut him off, he lost control and his truck toppled over. Thankfully, his daughter wasn't in the passenger seat... I'd just die if I had to see her in a bed next to him.

All of us were there... people I remember from when we were together and others I didn't know... but we were all there because we loved him... and even though we each had different stories to tell and different memories to recollect, there was an understanding that connected us all.

I had a lot of time to think because I stayed at the hospital from 7pm to 7am. He'll probably wake up and worry about his car and where he's gonna find money to pay for the hospital bills... but, to me, that's not what really matters. What really matters isn't the fact that his truck got totalled or that he'll be unable to work and make money for weeks to come... what matters is that he's alive... and that he still has the opportunity to help and love those around him. What matters is whether or not there will be enough love around him to help him recover because we won't be remembered for the trust funds we leave behind but the memories and love that we've shared with others. I know I'll always remember the time I shared with him.

It scared me. Even though I wasn't with him or loved him in the way that I used to, I was scared... scared for his daughter, and others that depended on him in their own lives... It scared me because I had empathy for them... for if the person who was most important to me in my life were torn away from me... well, let's just say I cried alot... and, selfishly, not for my ex or his loved ones.

Chris is the world to me. I kept thinking... what if? What if it's not even an accident? What if he just leaves? What if I, too, never get a chance to show him what he means to me? What if? What if... I kept thinking about the past week... what we've uncovered... what I've learned... and a deep sense of regret swelled up inside of me... Above all, I wanted him to know for himself that the time he's spent with me was worth every second...

every...

second...

Lady Be Good

2004-06-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

The walls came down last nite and I admitted a lot of things to myself, including the logic that underwrote why I'm "never happy" and "always finding the faults in our relationship". I've always known how I acted when it came to things like this... However, I never analyzed it in the terms of if it's really conducive to a good relationship or not... I always tried to work out the kinks in the relationship because I knew that if we could solve problems when they first occurred, or even pre-emptively, then we would have nothing to worry about when those things came up in the future... The thing I didn't realize was that when the "problems" had come to a conclusion that I deemed "successful", I never paid it any congratulations... To me, it was just another thing I didn't have to worry about... another thing to add to my relationship dossier and nothing more. This was not the way to pursue a "happy relationship" because, by definition, the word happy denotes that it should be enjoyable and pleasing... and it seems to make sense that always working to eradicate the bad was not as pleasurable as revelling in what was good about the relationship bond. You know, last nite, I forced myself to go through all the good thoughts that crossed my mind randomly during the week and list them right down the line... and I cried... because all this time I spent fighting and being disagreeable to further an unrighteous goal could have been better spent sifting over all the good points (points that were superior to others' relationships) and most importantly, just enjoying each other for what we have... I cried because I realized how wonderful our relationship really is... and I felt guilty for slowly and methodically destroying what we had strived to work for... He couldn't tell me how he felt anymore because he didn't trust that I'd listen or react kindly, he always felt like I thought the relationship was always dying because I always concentrated on the worst traits, and he felt like I wasn't willing to fight and help him during the hard times of the relationship... I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything I could to make sure he feels that he can always voice his opinions and thoughts without fear of me threatening the relationship, that I'd make sure that both he and I knew how I felt about the positive aspects of the relationship and there was no question that I did or did not enjoy being a part of that, and, above all, that he knows that I care about this relationship and am invested in it 100% because, truly, what we have is the most solid and wonderful thing in my life and I'd never let that go without a fight.

The Past

2004-06-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

It's interesting... Chris and I went through a bunch of IM convos we had early on when we first were getting to know each other and other times when we were fighting, etc... I had to take a step back... saying or thinking the same things aren't so novel anymore like they once were... We know each other a lot better now... We don't even have to guess... it's just a result of a lot of the work we put into the relationship... But now... I read these things... and I see how I acted... knowing what I know now... knowing that I'd put his hapiness before the relationship... I was so SELFISH! :( For the first time, I truly saw what had been plaguing him all these months... I thought I knew... but I didn't... I didn't know at all... I was so stupid to think that he could "just get over it"

All the things I used to say to defend myself are moot... How can I have been so ignorant to think that the excuses I gave really justified my behavior? I really am ashamed of myself... Not only did I see a raw, objective retelling of the situation... but I also saw this entirely different person... someone who put her needs and her desires before the person she supposedly loved... How can I defend that?!?

All this time, I didn't truly know what I had said and done... my recollection of the events were always marred by my current feelings at the time... even up until today... I feel so fake and superficial... like nothing I've said to him when we were first getting to know each other was really with him in mind... I was so busy taking care of myself that it seems like I couldn't have possibly been interested in his thoughts and feelings... and yet, I want to tell myself that he's meant so much to me even since the beginning... but with proof like IM transcripts... how can I? :(

Class Schedule or Daunting Task?

2004-06-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I'm standing here typing on a CSU-Pomona computer waiting for Chris to get off work... He's sick. So, last nite I came over to try to take care of him when I actually just succeeded in keeping him up :P Bad me... Anyway, I've been trying to plan my class schedule for the next 3 semesters... Only 46 units to graduate... Yay :) That's like 15 units per semester... With part-time jobs and work-study, that will be a challenging, yet manageable, schedule :)

So, here's where the hard part comes in... I'm inspired to take some classes in subjects I don't know or really suck at... Science is something I REALLY suck at... and I was thinking, "Gee, what if my kid has science homework one day and I'm totally useless in being able to help him?" I'd be like all the other clueless moms across the country! The ones that never went to college, blah, blah, blah... So, shuddering, I make a vow to learn at least a little about the stuff I'm totally clueless in... Now, which science to choose? God, I hate all of them!

Biology? Physics? Chemistry? It all rushes past me in this blur of late nite frustration, broken test tubes, and of course, the science fair project gone awry... But here's the cincher... I need to take at least one upper-division science class! Great! Not only do I suck... but I'll be writing a 2,500 word paper on how much I really suck... At least I can write :P

But the worst part has to be where I ask which classes to take and Chris comes back with, "Well babe, I'm not saying ur not intelligent enough... but you just may not have enough to pull an upper-division science class off... I mean, even science majors try to avoid taking upper-division science courses... and Lit. majors? They know not to do it... That's like asking to fail" Okay. Now, I understand the whole Quyen sucks at science deal... and I understand it's upper-division for a reason... but c'mon... give me some credit... if not for my masterful command of the sciences (Ha! I made a pun!) then at least for my persevering nature! Wait... what persevering nature is that??? Great! I'm fucked...

CHRIS - Frustration in Teacher-landia Dos

2004-06-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

Today proved to be more of the same, from 9 in the morning to lunch time. Teachers again, stood before the faculty explaining their projects, philosophies and grading procedures, but rather than taking a critical perspective and owning up to the weaknesses, which everyone already sees, in their work, they took a defensive stance and did not allow for examination of issues central to the direction the school is headed.

However, the principal managed to put into play an idea she had been tossing around, and thus salvaged, at least to some extent, the morning. She and her vice-principal read through all the evaluations and converns that had been brought up in writing the past few days. They then posted a series of large white posters along the walls of the hallway adjacent to us. On each poster was written one of the major issues, and people could write down what they thought was and wasn't working within each area. This gave the more reserved, or disrespected among the faculty to have their voice heard without having to defend themselves against the vitriole of the more vocal, or "experienced" teachers.

Allow me to clarify. There is a perception on our campus that those who are either older, or have more years of experience working on our site, have more important things to say than the rest of us. So bad was this, that someone had the audacity to say they found it disrespectful and ignorant of "new" teachers to make any comments contrary to that of the "experienced" personel. I, finally having had enough, and dealing with a fever of around 102, told them their opinions were a most gross form of elitism and ageism, and that they must learn to process the reality that old does not necessarily mean smarter; if anything, they refuse to adopt change and cling to practices which, I found today, have been invalidated all across California.

So heated did things become when the "oldtimers" read the concerns of the staff, that they started a debate, which degenerated into an argument, in the hallway, while college classes were taking place. No one had the sense of mind, or courage, to express themselves and refute what was said. Dismayed, I walked over and took up the cause, enraging the twefth grade math teacher. His arguments are as follows: 1) He would rather cater to the average student than meet the needs of a small population (the low and high-skilled achievers), 2) His math program works even though students are not succeeding at the college level, 3) He's worked seven years on this math program so he must be close to something, 4) He doesn't want to waste the effort he put into the previous seven years, and 5) It's "apparently" impossible to teach Algebra to ninth graders, or Geometry and so on up the grade level ladder.

My answer to this is that: 1) A school must meet the needs of all students, 2) A program which does not equip students to succeed at the college level is not one that "works" 3) Spending more time on something does not necessarily guarantee success. Isaac Newton never uncovered the secrets to alchemy, and, if I, and several other teachers across California, were to attempt to construct a car from cotton candy and Kit-Kats and failed to achieve our goals after seven years, something should tell us that the plan is inherently flawed. 4) Putting forth no effort to change things for the better is the calling card of the boring and ineffective teachers who make school a chore for children. 5) It most definitely is possible to teach a different level of math each year; it's been done in schools across the country. I don't understand where the impossibility comes in teaching Algebra or Geometry to freshmen when the current program aims to teach them pieces of every math sub-category. How is it that teaching less material in an in-depth way is considered worse than superficially exposing students to each type of math? A system in which you have to review the same material year after year because the superficiality and lack of connection to any discipline makes it so that students can not retain information.

Peace :P I'll write about something more positive in the coming days, and hopefully shake off this fever that makes me not want to deal with systemic abuses anymore.

Book-A-Minute Classics: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

2004-06-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

This is the funniest thing I've seen today... Enjoy! ;)

Stream

2004-06-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

Hey there... I'm feeling kind of down tonite, and so, I wanted to talk to you... lately, I've been feeling bored... and a little listless... and I dunno if this is because the endorphin rush from my chriopractic adjustment is wearing off and now I'm experiencing "chiro-hangover" or if this is just kind of like me realizing stuff that's going on that I haven't noticed until just now, but there's this shroud of hopelessness obstructing my view... making everything gray and lifeless...

Color has always meant something to me... somehow, color tells its own story... Messaien certainly believed this... that color has personality... if I had a color right now... it would be a purple lavender that was run down by a sweeping steel gray and still carries remnants of it, scars from the battle... the color that the spirit of burnt grass carries when the roots are dead... the color that shines off the garbage can where a mother throws away her baby... hope for the world, cast aside... the very foundations of love, gone... like a storm riding across a violet field... a vision of sanctity on the back of chaos...

You never know what to do... sometimes, it feels like there is nothing you can do... to help others... to, in turn, help yourself... don't you know your heart always holds a place for everything you've loved? Yet, things come and go with the passage of light and dark, happiness and sorrow... and you will find new avenues... but will you forget the ones you used to live on? The ones that, too, took care of you when you were layed down and everything was purple too?

And really, what is the goal of the fly that lives and dies an existence in one day? If you lock it in a jar or a room, and it can't get out... what then? Is it destined to hit the jar forever until it dies? To try in vain to free itself? Or does the fly accept that purple sky into his veins? Does it become his story? Can he see that he has fallen from the top of the mountains? Or, being at the bottom, does he see only upwards?

I think so... I think that this purple-gray we all encounter in our lives... the kind that makes us cry... the kind of color that makes us want to stream breathless sobs... buries itself in time... if we look back... all we can see is the toll taken... all that lies in the field is fallen and broken... but... if we look foward... to see what happens after the storm... to see what can be, now... we are like the fly who tries to break out of that jar... with success on his mind and the sheer fragrance of damage in his wake...

So, I feel better... knowing that, like religion and hate, hopelessness can, too, be harnessed... whether our husband beats us, our g/f cheated on us, our child is missing, or we're just unsure about what we're all about... we don't have to let it get the best of us... we can look up, not down, ahead, not backwards, feel, not inhibit, and take in, not push out...

Chiropractor's Big Day :)

2004-06-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

You know how people are always saying to be careful about meeting people from online? Well, that's exactly where I met my chiropractor! I found him in a chatroom this morning and made an appointment with him for later in the day... Now, some might be saying, "Wow, isn't that kinda dangerous? Meeting random strangers off the net?" Yes. Yes, it is... but what the hey... after all, I'd never been to a chiropractor, and I knew I had some occupational back problems... but the real cincher had to be the free consultation offer (cuz I'm poor :P) ;) Anyway, I got there, filled out some paperwork, and then waited in the waiting room until this nice-looking man popped through the door and said, "Quyen?"

He took me in a room, explained to me what we'd be doing and asked me some questions... Then, he checked my spine for any inconsistencies and declared that I had scoliosis (which I thought I had anyway) However, it was caused by inconsistencies in my musculature, not genetics :( He said it was minor though. So, I really don't have to worry about it too much :) I also learned that my lower back problems are from sitting in chairs when playing viola and not anything else because I have "beautiful posture" ;) So, I'll have to look out for that...

He asked me to take my shirt off but keep my bra on and put a gown on ("open to the back" - a big difference from my "open to the front" boob job consultations haha :P)... Then, he asked me to lay down as he put towels over me and a giant heat pad to warm and relax my muscles... After a little while, he came back and started to work out the kinks and make my muscles give way, so the adjustment he would do later would be more effective... O-M-G! It felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good! I couldn't believe it! I just melted on the table as he worked all the tension out of my back and neck... My body was so sensitive! It was like a freaking orgasm! I was so surprised! But then again, maybe it's because I don't usually get to have my back and neck massaged :P

After that, he did my adjustment after agreeing with me that I truly was the most inflexible girl alive haha :P I felt great after that, and it was painless! In fact, it was the exact opposite of painless! It was euphoric ;) I walked out of there feeling so refreshed and... well, fresh! :) The whole visit was totally relaxed and completely professional, and now, I know a little bit more about my body! Plus, my body feels so great :D I am definitely going to visit him a couple times before my boob job, even if it's just for the sinful pleasure of being rubbed down and put in compromising positions! LOL :P

CHRIS - My First, I mean, Second Blog - Education

2004-06-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

This is technically my first blog, although, as Quyen knows, I spent a few hours yesterday typing up what had been intended to be my take on Fairy Tale Day, as well as some background information on the wonderful woman Quyen is, things she seldom says out of some sense of humility. Unfortunately, my web browser crashed on me, and, to my chagrin, I lost all that I had worked towards. So, from now on, I write all blogs in Microsoft Word first and then transfer them over to the web. Also, I'd like to start fresh on giving an account of today, rather than rehashing what I had written yesterday. There's something about rewriting, and recreating lost ideas that always tends to lead to a deminished product.

I am a teacher by profession, a high school English teacher to be exact. However, I consider myself to be a jack of all trades, to varying extents of course. I have a long history playing with various bands, and have taken a diverse array of classes, from Classical/Ancient Literature, Advanced Calculus, and Molecular Biology, to Political Science, Third World Studies, and Organic Chemistry. To say that I remember the minutiae inherent for a complete understanding of each area would be to commit an egregious breach of truth. Instead, I can say that what I have gained from such an education is not status as an avowed expert, but different ways of understanding the world, multiple perspectives on how things operate - something akin to the model of a Renaissance Man.

The reason I take time to make this clear is because it provides a backdrop for the decisions and attitudes I have towards teaching - attitudes which are sometimes condemned by others in my profession, or English teachers themselves. To be honest, I never intended to become a teacher when I first attended UC Berkeley. My goal was, at the time, to learn as much as I could in the short time span of four years so that I could be comfortable pursuing any line of work. At one time, I entertained being a lawyer, an AirForce pilot, a surgeon, a detective (the kind that work within a police department, and an advertising agent (look at the movie, What Women Want).

Now that I have bored you, rather than wowed, I'll start off my blog. My high school is engaging in a professional development workshop for three weeks (one this week and the next, and the other the week before school starts back up again). The big difference here is that in this version of professional development, there is no development actually taking place. Our days are spent, from nine in the morning to 4 in the afternoon, as a staff, talking about the philosophy of the school, and bringing up issues that should be addressed to improve the quality of teaching.

Today was frustrating to say the least. I spent seven hours listening to people talk out of their proverbial asses about what they liked and didn't like about the school, without any suggestions being made as to how to remedy things, or without anyone being willing to do the work that it takes to effect change. As a staff, we all know that some of the projects we do (we are a project driven high school) need to be seriously revamped. I'm talking about eviscerating these projects and taking away from them the few positive aspects they still retain. These projects are not relevant to new generations of students, they don't take into account the skill levels of the type of students we have been admitting over the past three years, don't function well with current class sizes, are a hodgepodge of many small assignments, aren't engaging, and penalize bright students for desiring high marks.

Instead of taking a hard look at the projects, both their strengths and weaknesses, and focusing our time on improving them, we went through the motions of pretending to be on the path to change by talking about what our projects are, why they're so "amazing." The day became an exercise in defending practices that have already been shown to harbor weakness. Rather than focus on how to eliminate the weakness, people praised themselves and other staff members for what was good in the projects. Fake smiles, clapping, and defensive posturing as to the quality or validity of projects does nothing! The kids, the students, are still receiving the same level of education whether or not we play polite like guests at a dinner party. Mind you, our school had an API of 9 last year.

Perhaps, what bothers me most about this process is that people are unwilling to say what they truly think. While they talk big before school, during lunch, at the watercooler, when the future of the school is on the line, they keep quiet about the controversial issues, and allow for the loudmouths (who, in my opinion, are also the least intellectually adept) to make policy and bully their opinions into practice.

Furthermore, there is this perverse idea that what people says matters only so far as the number of years they have been working at the school-site. Or, it matters only as much as they look old. Let me say that as a twenty-four year old teacher, I still look like many of the students, and that I have only been working for a year and a half. You can gather how much weight my words have on that campus. Nevermind the fact that many of them barely made it through high school and college; nevermind that many of them are still remembered as the worst students to go through teacher credentialing programs, or that the quality of these old-timers is so low that many faculty at our local university felt it to be disgraceful and beneath them. It wasn't until just recently that collaboration between the university and the high school became a possibility. What's worse is that these old-timers are proud of having been poor students, are proud of catering to the lowest achievers, and shortchanging those students who wish to excel.

I'll end this with what to me is one of the major issues that needs to be addressed, although I don't it will. The school has in place a math program called Core Plus. Theoretically, this is a wonderful program. It integrates math with real world situations, and makes use of word problems frequently. Various types of math are also integrated into the curriculum so that students in their first year might receive a bit of algebra, trigonometry, pre-calc, and statistics. There is no Algebra course, no Geometry course, and so on. Kids are placed in a mixed ability classroom, by grade level, in this program. Ideally, the bright kids, or rather those who have been empowered by teachers and parents, would raise the other children with them as they learn. I've seen this work in my own classroom, and in other schools so it's sound theory, even though research shows that high achievers fall three degrees of achievement when in mixed ability classrooms.

The problem at our school is that, with the reality of college admissions, AP, IB and Honors courses, and the competitive nature of the game education has become in the last few years, our math program is attracting very few high achievers. And with good reason. Students with a background in Geometry are not too enthused about being forced into Algebra review, for a year as their mixed ability's peers catch up. Even when we do attract high skilled students, we tend to lose them in the long-run, when they consider they are falling behind their college-bound friends at other schools. They also are not being challenged, and find themselves bored much of the time.

The exodus of bright students from our school leaves us with only the mediocre and those needing severe remediation. How then, can we pretend to give these students an education, their first year of high school, in algebra, geometry, trigonometry, and pre-calculus? We can't. And, while we should be strengthening the skills of the low-skilled students, through remediation, we aren't. We, instead are following the curriculum, which goes forward despite how many students fall behind. That's how we lose low-skilled students. School becomes a game of catch-up that they are never provided with the tools to succeed in. The school seems to think that remediation is a bad word, a dirty word. I'm here to say it isn't. Remediation is one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs a teacher can have - opening the doors to success for students who have, until recently, been unequipped to thrive in the school system. The problem is that schools routinely hand over remediation courses to the least-qualified teachers, as a punishment.

All I want is to create a situation in which the needs of both the low-skilled and high-skilled students is adequately met. Because, although our school has a selection process and can expel students at will, it is making it impossible for anyone who doesn't fit the definition of "average" to succeed. Then again, maybe I should buy into the unsaid culture of our country and accept that being different is to be wrong; different is something to be pushed to the fringes and forgotten about. And there's also the anti-intellectual strain of thought that runs rampant throughout our school systems and culture. We say we value education, but what we mean is that we value the opportunity to make money. We envy the rich, and the talented. "Nerds" are something to poke fun at and harass. Teachers are routinely referred to as "Those who can't, teach." And as degrading as that might seem, it's the sad truth when it comes to many teachers. Having been through a credentialing program, I can say that many of these people aren't "intellectuals," but the worst that our system has to offer - a people that proudly reiterate, from time to time, that they were awful students in school. If we truly valued education, we would make sure to put into place policies to ensure that inner-city children, as well as low-skilled children can succeed.

Inflation

2004-06-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

So, I'm about to go teach lessons now, and as many of you know, I commute because I can't teach lessons in my apartment... stupid landlady >:( Anyway, with gas prices as they are and the rising cost of renting an apartment, I'm thinking of raising my rates. I was thinking that a $2 increase per 1/2 hour lesson along with a $3-5 commuting fee would be acceptable... or should I say it's just a flat $5 for commuting? Either way, I know the parents appreciate not having to drive to me because I could technically teach @ CSUN and it takes time out of their busy schedules. So, it's a convenience for me to drive to them... one that I would gladly pay $5 for if I were a parent! So, what do you all think? How should I pitch my new price increase to the parents? When should I increase my rates? (I was thinking September) Give me some feedback in the comments box! :)

Under New Management...

2004-06-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I've decided to incorporate, and my boyfriend Chris will now be posting to this blog too! :) Let's give him all a warm SweetAsianRain.blogspot.com welcome! :D Feel free to take a look at his new profile and comment on all his hotness ;)

Fairytale

2004-06-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's 7:05 pm on Friday nite. Mom and Lou still haven't showed up, and Chris and I are waiting outside the ticket booth for the cruise ship we all have reservations for... at $74 per person, I felt wearing my $306 BCBG skirt was in order (Let's just say I was in good company, what with limos escorting other couples to the cruise ship) ;) The sea air was so cold that when Mom brought us jackets, we were so happy that we didn't have to take shelter behind large buildings any longer! We boarded the boat with a nice picture of the 4 of us and a glass of champagne... The food was 5 stars and even I, with all my gourmet experience, could not place what ingredients they used (I really wish I could get my hands on their Potatoes au Gratin recipe and their chocolate ganache with raspberry truffle was to die for!) We took a nice walk on the top deck of the boat, looking over the water and hugging to keep warm... the waters of Downtown San Diego really are beautiful at nite... I just wish the skies were more clear and the moon was out.

The price of the cruise included a full hosted bar which I took full advantage of: Midori Sours, Mai Tais, margaritas, etc... I ended up getting a little tipsy and really felt the boat rocking haha :P It was nice getting to "double-date" with my mother... In addition to providing another opportunity for Chris to participate in a family dinner, I haven't had a chance to really talk to Lou, her fiance, and now that I see how they act around each other, I'm glad they're together :) After delightful conversation and exquisite food, it was time to just take it all in... Mom and Lou went out on the deck again while Chris and I headed to the dance floor to share a couple of slow dances and some not so slow dancing ;) Maybe I haven't forgotten how to seduce a man on the dancefloor after all :P The ship docks and we are escorted out with chocolate truffles in tow

When we get home, we change clothes and relax on the couch to watch about 4 episodes of Escaflowne (an anime we have been working on finishing) After that, it was time for bed... what followed was perfectly in line with what had come before it... Something magical happened... I don't know why it was that particular nite, as if all nites were just as wonderful, but it just seemed like everything was right... I even said it - "It's so perfect. I've never felt more right about anything in my entire life" to which he responded, "Everything about tonite is so beautiful that I could die tonite and I'd have not a single regret"

The Kama Sutra and other worldly advice

2004-06-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't you know the Kama Sutra actually has some sage advice within its position-ridden pages? Apparently, the Kama Sutra, while condoning hundreds of sexual positions and abnormalities from scat-play to "fetch", advises against one thing... NEVER HAVE SEX IN A HOT TUB

Gee, I wish I knew about that before yesterday :\

I finally fucking conquered China

2004-06-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

When you're happy and you know it, do NOT reach for a stick of butter

2004-06-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting used to this whole "eat healthy foods" campaign :) I have no problem eating salads and dried fruit versus cheese and protein burgers. I'm still maintaining my figure and I'm building muscle to boot from working out! (which Chris thinks is pretty hot :P) However, I do get really low on energy if I don't consume enough calories :( So, I'm up to 2 hours and 30 minutes between "snacks" now, and I've upped the calories per meal to 270... that way, if I keep increasing the time by 10 minutes and 10 calories more per "snack", I'll still maintain around 1500 calories per day when I reach 3 hour intervals. This must all sound so planned out and formulated - it is ;)

One thing I'm learning is that you can eat lots more food if you just eat greens and use a tiny bit of dressing and pull a "McSalad Shaker" to distribute the dressing well. Another way to make foods flavorful without fats is to use different spices and spreads like garlic salt and sour cream... Although, the sandwich I had last nite was grilled in butter... and it tasted soooooo good! :P But butter comes at a price - 2 grams of cellulite per pat... Have fun at the trampoline party! ;)

How much would that cost???

2004-06-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my mother! Last night, she was proposed to by her b/f who asked us less than a week ago if he could propose to her. To seal the deal? An 8.5 carat engagement ring! Yes, you heard right, folks! 8.5 carats! I mean... Good lord! How much would that cost??? More than $100K - easy... And I thought Jenni would be the one to get the largest engagement ring in this family! :P For shame, to be beaten by your own mother... better luck next time, Jenni ;)

Learnin' Miss Quyen...

2004-06-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

That's right... I'm trying to educate my own ass about nutrition again... It's so hard to not instinctively reach for a stick of butter anymore! :P Ever since I've gotten off Atkins, I've been trying to eat right and exercise... and let me tell you, it's not easy! For the past 10 months, I've been eating like crap thanks to Atkins... and now, it's a real mental hurdle to not reach for a high-fat content snack like cheese or nuts.

I started a "food diary" today to track the stuff I'm eating - even water to track if I'm getting enough fluids in my body... and let me tell you... boy, have I been pee'ing a lot today! Whoo-weee! LOL Anyway, I'm trying to not only make healthier food choices but also trying to eat only when I'm hungry (a little less than 2 hours between 200 calorie snacks for me) It's made even harder since I was raised to eat everything off my plate and then have seconds or face dire consequences :( I'm like trained to overeat... it's kinda sad :(

Anyway, I'm going to train to have a hunger tolerance of 2 hours and 10 minutes between "snacks"... I'm starting small... while also keeping in mind that I need to eat more protein and less fat! Right now, my "diary" shows a current total of 5 cups of liquids, 76 grams of fat, 1,520 calories, 175 grams carbs, and 52 grams protein... So, I need to redistribute the carb grams to protein and watch my fat intake and keep that below my protein intake... After that, it's just a simple hour of working out... divided in 2 convenient 30 minute blocks for my DVD player ;)

Here comes the bride!

2004-06-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

And no, it's not me :P On Wednesday, my mother's b/f, Lou, requested that each of the 3 daughters return home for a formal family dinner... (everytime this happens, I feel like we're in some kind of Tolkien fantasy world and each of us comes from a different land representing the strengths and flaws of different races. Yet, we come together from afar to meet for important occasions... This should give you an idea of how often my sisters and I get together :P) Anyway, we all had dinner together and towards the end of the evening, Lou tells us the reason he's called this meeting of the Justice League...

"I asked you 3 girls home... you 3 wonderful women... you 3 beautiful young women... (for some weird reason he kept calling us "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and stuff like that... go fig :P)... because your mother and I have been together awhile now and I care about her very much. I want to ask you for your permission to get engaged to your mother... and we haven't talked dates yet... but I want to take care of her and take her hand in holy matrimony... and I want to have your approval."

Awwwwwwwwwww :) So, each of the 3 weird sisters came up with an impromptu speech and we all accepted him into our family :) I'm really happy for my mom! After everything, she really deserves a man who will treat her with the love and respect she deserves :) So, last I heard, she's picking out a $6K engagement ring ;) Funny... since a recent survey of American women reveals that 58% would rather have an HDTV than a one carat diamond ring... of course... $6K isn't gonna JUST buy a one carat diamond ring, now is it? ;)

Atkins, grades, retarded wives, and more!!!

2004-06-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

Hello! So, I got off Atkins! Yay! I got really sick after finals and just ate anything I could get my hands on (including pizzas and pasta) and decided, "Hey, this isn't so bad!" In fact, I kept losing weight after I got off Atkins! - I'm 126 lbs. now! Lucky me! :) And let me tell you, it feels GREAT to eat sushi again! :D Actually, I got off for another reason; Time magazine came out with a special report on obesity in America and one of the diets listed was Atkins. Well, it said that there is conclusive evidence that long-term Atkins adversely affects your colon and liver health! So, that's why I decided to quit :P

Remember how I told you my GPA this semester would be between 3.3 and 3.6? It's a 3.75! Theoretically an A- across the board! :) I was actually surprised that it was over my original estimate! :D My grades were actually all As and one B... looks like my creative writing teacher liked my work after all! Then again, how could she not? After all, my poetry has won international awards :P

As an add-on to my last post, I forgot to include the rest of the conversation between Chris and I! Basically, we talked about whether we would be together if he were retarded (to which I said yes)... but then I asked him if he'd still be with me if I were retarded... and here's the sweet part... I said, "What would you get out of being with me? I couldn't stimulate your mind or do anything with you... There would be no advantage to staying married to me!" and he said, "I'd want to make sure that my wife, the person I married out of love, would still be taken care of and safe." Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :) Then I asked him if he'd cheat on me if I were retarded and he's like "Gross! No way! How could I sleep with someone else and then come home to you? I just couldn't do it! It's wrong!" So, I asked him if we'd still have a sex life... to which he responded, "Yes, even though you'd be giggling the whole time, we'd still have sex"... to which I asked, "What if I were your HOT, retarded wife?" :P haha

I've also updated my apartment layout! I put the TV in the front room and put one of the couches where the TV used to be. Then, I moved the bookcase to the living room and the computer to the bedroom and then moved the kitchen table so it seats four now (this means more dinner parties everyone!) So, now I have the liberty to do my workouts, play video games, sing my Vietnamese karaoke, watch movies, and do my Alexander technique all in a large, open area! Stop by to see it sometime!

Lastly, I bought an electric 5-string violin! It was $260 off eBay and it's not a bad instrument! Yay! Well, that's all the news for now! Maybe I'll post a pic of me in some shiny leather pants and my new green 5-string on here one day... till then, thanks for reading and I hope you're all having a good summer!

Cinnabon & Panda - Illustrious Superhero Team

2004-06-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, Chris and I graded 31 papers in 6 hours! For any of you that have graded research papers (comments, checklists, grades and all), our average of 5 papers per hour is quite the superhuman feat! ;) In fact, it's a team record! :P After we were done, we took a break to relax and shake off the rigors of marathon grading before heading to Denny's for dinner. Even at Denny's, we managed to grade two more papers while we were eating and conversing over a strangely sweet discussion...

Chris got syrup all over his chin while stuffing a piece of French toast in his mouth and laughing at the same time, making him look like he was retarded (and trust me folks, he looked pret-ty retarded) :P and in response, a horrible thought crossed my mind... if Chris were retarded, would I still care for him? I went through the scenario in my mind and decided that if he were retarded, I'd still love him. Strangely enough, the way that he was smiling at me with syrup all over himself was incredibly sweet, endearing... and... well... retarded (but that's beside the point :P) What I discovered was that even though he may not have the mental capacity to talk politics or even the coordination to go bowling, what I found truly counted after all was his capacity to love...

And even now I get to thinking, "Is it possible that nature gives birth to all of us, even those of us who are impaired in various ways, with everything we need to live life?" "Could it be that, after all is said and done, we can live complete lives if we are nurtured by love and given the opportunity to love?" This must be how parents can love and interact with their retarded children... it doesn't so much matter if they are smart or strong or able... the only competency they need their children to have is the capacity for love... and one thing is true, even retarded children, whether human or calf, knows when they are loved and how to love those who love them in turn.

And in the end, I know that retardation ensures some of us do not survive, and that's not what I'm talking about... I'm talking about what's important when you take everything else away... I wouldn't marry someone who was brilliant, strong, and competent but lacked the ability to love and care for me... and conversely, I wouldn't abandon the person I love (and who loves me) just because they couldn't read, or jog, or talk... as long as they can love me and I can enjoy seeing how my love affects them, that's all I can ask for... So, I leave you with this: If Chris were retarded, we would still have eaten at that Denny's... and he might have still ordered that French toast... and I'd still feel like the most loved and luckiest woman alive just from seeing his syrup-covered grin beaming happily back at me.

...3...2...1...We have boobjob!

2004-06-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to have my boobjob operation done with Tom Pousti in La Mesa. I decided on him for several reasons:

#1) He is in San Diego and I wanted to heal in good weather, around my family, and where there is cable TV :P
#2) He does most of the surgery using just his fingers (which means he has a high rate of women who keep their nipple sensitivity!)
#3) He has never had a case of bleeding or infection (the two most severe post-operative complications)
#4) He does very natural work! He can take someone from a AA cup to a medium C and it doesn't look fake!
#5) He seems like he is really interested in helping me achieve my personal goals and concerned about me as an individual :)
#6) Compared to Dr. Brahme ($5725) and Dr. Grover ($7300), Dr. Pousti comes in value-priced at $5400

All in all, whoever I decided on would have been a great choice - they all had their strengths. I'm glad I had such a qualified selection to choose from! Thank you to Chris for that one! ;) My appointments are: June 18th - 4:30 pm, Pre-op visit June 29th - 2:30pm, and Surgery day July 23rd - 9:30am. I'll keep you all updated right up to the day of surgery! :)

My Personal Crusade

2004-06-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

My personal crusade is one in which I shall cleanse my entire apartment of unnecessary filth and reorganize everything according to my desires. My plan for apartment domination is logical and systematic, with plans for taking over one room at a time. Once the entire apartment is under my control, I shall begin to institute order and cleanliness across the carpeted lands. Any dirt, grime, or mold will not be tolerated and shall be quickly apprehended and discretely destroyed. Everything shall be categorized and compartamentalized; this shall pave the way for chaste systems and specialization. It will be hard in the beginning to ensure re-education amongst the citizens of my apartment. But soon, they will fall into comfortable roles as inanimate objects and my rule shall be the law of the land. Pope Urban II would be proud. :P

Solid.

2004-06-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

On Thursday nite, I woke up shivering - my teeth were clattering together, I was shaking uncontrollably, I felt unexplainably nervous and upset, and I felt like I was completely naked in the middle of a frozen wasteland. I had some sort of bad dream about teaching violin and then when I went up to teach the kid, I couldn't say anything and the parents just kept looking at me, but all I could do is shake. It was so terrible that I tried putting on additional layers of clothing, closing the window, talking myself out of it, and evem slapping myself in the face to make me stop... but it was as if I had no control at all over what was happening. I got up and made my way to the kitchen to get some water, but I couldn't even hold that in my mouth! I went to go lay on the couch to just try to relax and talk myself out of whatever I couldn't control about myself and I just threw up acid everywhere inside this shopping bag that was luckily nearby... HORRIBLE NITE :(

The next morning, I'm so sick that I can barely walk - I think I have the flu or something. I lay in bed just falling asleep and waking up to take a sip of water every 5 minutes because my dehydration is so severe. I spend the next 4 hours laying in bed resting because I feel noxious when I stand up. I call Chris at work and ask him to visit me this weekend to take care of me (even though just 12 hours earlier I told him that he shouldn't come visit me this weekend because he has lots of work to do and he should spend time with his family). My friend, Craig, comes over to bring me lunch since I can't drive anywhere, cook anything, or even get out of bed. Sleep... until Chris calls with a one hour warning. I hit the showers, get out, throw up in my hair, become hysterical and cry about it and hit the showers again... I get out feeling hopeless and depressed and also very sick :( Chris surprises me at the door as I'm "on my way out to pick him up", greeting me with a big smile, open arms, a candy in the shape of a rose, and 2 pints of Atkins ice cream... all I can do is wince in pain :(

After realizing I don't just have a minor cold, Chris becomes Super-Amazing B/F and really steps up to the plate when taking care of me :D That nite, despite him taking my covers away so I wouldn't get more sick (grrrr), he notes that I was screaming out in my sleep and shaking uncontrollably - I don't recall a thing...

Saturday and Sunday pretty much sucked for me. Even though I tried to be at my best by acting healthy and able to do normal things, I was really weak and ended up having to go home from both Jack in the Box and IHOP :( I think the worst part was I gave my sickness to Chris :(

He started getting sick on Sunday (and maybe even Saturday - if he was hiding it, I couldn't tell), but today was the worst for him. So, I knew it was my turn to return the favor - and I really wanted to (he'd taken such good care of me!) :) By the end of our time together, I've almost made a full physical recovery (except for coughing and tiredness at times). However, I think Chris tries to hide the fact that he feels awful :( I feel so bad for getting him sick :( I hope he gets better soon! If not, I'll have to make some Sloppy Steves and bring them over to him ;)

I titled this blog entry "Solid." because this weekend showed me that our relationship is solid. When I was down and out, he came to my rescue, and when he became sick, I tried hard to comfort him and make him feel better. I also named it "solid" because we spent part of the weekend reading papers together and that shows me that we can work well together. All in all, we can work as an equal partners team. However, if one person isn't able to do something, that person knows that their partner will step in and help them out with that and vice versa. It shows me that our relationship is like this - something I've always known for myself - a team that's there for each other through thick and thin. I don't believe that if I really need him, that he won't help me and I'm betting the same goes for him too. From conflict resolution to caring for the ill, that kind of commitment is what makes our relationship solid :)

The End

2004-05-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

Today marked the ending of two things: my therapy sessions and finals week. In a way, I'm disappointed to see them both go. Yet, at the same time, I have this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and contentment.

After working with my therapist, Dr. Goodwin, for the entire semester, I just have to say that I am amazed at myself for having come such a long way in reshaping who I am as a person. Of course, I can't take credit for all the work. I am blessed to have my b/f and my therapist in my life to help me talk things through and support me when I am in need of support. The both of them truly have my appreciation and gratitude for being there with me every step of the way :D Our last therapy session included a summary of what we accomplished since my first session... It's incredible how far a person can go in so short a time. When I first came to him, I thought alot of my "issues" had been resolved from a previous year spent in therapy... Little did I know that I had yet to discover many more... but I am glad I did because I am a much happier person now than I was before. I'm now able to derive pride and confidence from my own work and my own thoughts - I do not live to make other people feel good - I live to make my life the best it can be. I'm willing to express myself more - even at the cost of another person's approval. I can be around others and not feel threatened by what they think of me because I no longer give them the power to determine my self-worth. I'm now able to break out of seeing situations and their solutions in black and white terms - I'm more open minded about different options and perspectives. Along with that, I'm better able to not jump to conclusions and fulfill self-prophecies with negative self-talk. The way I communicate in relationships has improved greatly, and I feel much more able to take control of my own happiness in life. All in all, I've made great changes and I know that those close to me (as well as myself) are very proud of the person that I've become :D

On a side note, school is over! Now, I can concentrate on enriching my mind with various books and materials and hopefully keep developing my top secret project! I can also resume my workout and practice schedules now that I have extra time to do them! This is going to be a very exciting summer full of lots of growth and fulfillment :)

Yay!

2004-05-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

I don't have breast cancer! :D I went to the doc this morning and she said it's nothing to be worried about :) However, with good news comes bad news... The bad news is that for some weird reason my breast tissue became uber-hard and now I might have to shell out $100 for an ultrasound to find out what is going on... although the silver lining in that cloud is that my breast augmentation fee usually covers a preventive ultrasound ;) The other bad thing is that what I thought was just a scratch on my boob is really ringworm (or some other type of fungus-thing) grooooooooooossssssssssss... But I'm looking at the bright side... I'd rather have "breast worm" than breast cancer ;)

The method to my madness

2004-05-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I just wanted a catchy title so you'd read this... :P I just finished completing my theory on learning that incorporates child development research, theories on learning, and music education and wrapped them all up into one nice little package that you can print out. I am currently testing my method personally to work out the kinks. I plan to work with the system for the next 2 weeks on my own and, if all is Kosher, then I will introduce the method to a select few from my studio of violin students and see how they do with it. I feel like a mad scientist... I've been working on this for the past 6 weeks almost obsessively... reading books and articles and talking to various experts in the fields of psychology, sociology, and music education... and I think I have a very sound theory on my hands! :D At least that is what everyone is telling me... ;) Basically, the idea is to make better use of a student's time with their instrument while nurturing the development of life skills. It's actually a Top Secret project. So, I can't divulge too many secrets... I take it that the previous statement was sufficiently vague? ;) However, I will say this... For those of you who care to know, Suzuki was my inspiration for this... except it turned into a whole different ballgame :P I do hope my experiment works out, though. So far, I've found some of the kinks in my plan... but I am confident that with more research and some "field work" in the studio, I'll be able to perfect it! And seeing as how I'm my laziest student... if it works for me, it'll work for anybody! :P

B = TC squared

2004-05-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

That formula stands for: Brilliance = Thoughts of Chris squared... So, tonite, we had an argument (or as I shall now so affectionately coin them: Buddha Battles) over whether I should get a natural looking boob job or a more fake looking boob job. Yes, lame topic but interesting outcome. Specifics aside, we managed to get through the argument without very much yelling, putting each other down, or using accusational "you" statements... and even when we made a mistake, we politely reminded the other person to mind the other person's feelings... which is a BIG step in the right direction for us. I'm proud of us that we are fighting smarter and bringing about a relationship that involves increasing amounts of trust, respect, openness, and closeness.

There were some things that we discussed that I'd like to share here because they are simply brilliant... First, we all know that no one is perfect, right? However, Chris goes on to say that we can never be absolutely perfect for another person because sometimes, what we need is not what we want, and sometimes, what we want is not what we need. That's an interesting thought... which brings about the next shard of brilliance... Often, we think that if we change something about ourselves that other people will like or appreciate us more. In my case, I felt a more natural boob job would appeal more to my b/f than a fake looking boob job. His response to that was, "Yes, I prefer the more natural looking breasts. However, it's your decision and I don't care what choice you make." To which I responded, "Why don't you care?"

Here's what he said: "If I really thought that a certain type of breast would make me like you more or less, then the real basis of our relationship is how your breasts look. That is to say that how your breasts look would be the predicate of the relationship, meaning that what we have now is nothing and simply a precursor to the start of the "real" relationship which is when you get a natural looking boob job." Sounds basic, but you'd be surprised at how many of us (men and women) don't realize that the ones that love us don't love us for want of our perfection, but for what we already are and, hopefully, continue to be.

So, tonite, I'm giving us both a round of applause because we both fought smart and I think we learned a little more about each other and what is at the foundation of our relationship as well as, for me, reinforced why I think my b/f is simply wonderful... He's brilliant, isn't he? ;)

Buddha's Relationship Tips

2004-05-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

Buddhists believe that through pain, comes growth. That's basically the old adage of "What won't kill you will only make you stronger". Nature exemplifies this fact by the building and rebuilding of muscle tissue; muscle tissue rebuilds itself stronger after being torn down by strenuous exercise. In this same way, arguments in a relationship can serve as a vehicle for growth by providing pain. Now, maybe inflicting pain on the one you love doesn't sound like such a great idea (and it isn't)... However, if you fight smart, you can avoid the dehabilitating pulled muscle and nurture the art of exercising your emotions.

When I used to argue with my b/f, we'd get in such bad fights that tears and defensive maneuvers were commonplace. In fact, the only way for a fight to cool down was for someone to break down, sobbing. This was definitely not an effective way to argue and took a severe emotional toll on us that included depression and insomnia. The question was then, "What is the real purpose of arguing and how can arguing be done most effectively?" The answer, we would find, was that arguing occurred when both people came to a disagreement in opinion and both people felt a need for that opposing opinion to be heard and recognized. The answer to how arguing could be done most effectively was infinitely more elusive (and remains to be so, although we've come up with a few tips and tricks along the way)

The first thing we learned that is invaluable in arguments is the ability to use "me, myself, and I" statements and the corresponding agreement for your partner to recognize that the way you think and feel is valid (based on a basic mutual respect of intelligence and values). This helps to defeat accusations, condescending "you" statements, and disrespect.

The second thing we learned is that we each have different ways of dealing with pain and sadness. For example, when I'm sad, I want to be immediately reassured that what I say counts and to be taken care of. On the other hand, my b/f likes to have an explanation from the other person when he is upset. So, it's important to know that I need to concentrate on my ability to explain how I'm feeling, whereas he needs to concentrate on his ability to put aside the argument in order to make sure that I feel that I count.

The third thing we learned is that we have similar ways of dealing with things. This is akin to the "golden rule". If we want our opinion to be heard, we must realize that we must be open to hearing other's opinions. If we don't like to be yelled at, then we must be careful not to yell.

The fourth thing we learned is that we're not perfect and even though we're intelligent, we're still liable to make mistakes. So, this involves gentle reminders of things we need to be mindful of when arguing and to have empathy for each other.

These things make a relationship grow by encouraging trust, respect, openness, closeness, and comfort. Each time you argue smart, you embed good argument habits, thus strengthening the overall relationship and how you deal with each other. So, even though conflicting on opinions is a pain sometimes, Buddha certainly had a good idea when he said you can grow from it! ;)

What I learned at school today...

2004-05-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing my creative writing class taught me, it's that academic poetry is so much harder to pull off than your average stream of consciousness, diary poetry. Today, I spent 5 hours writing 3 poems... Now if that's not altogether unproductive, I don't know what is. The worst part is that after I put my semester portfolio together, I still found mistakes... but, I did get them done... and that is all that the Principessa of Procrastination promises ;) Other than that, I'm almost home free when it comes to finals week :D I finished my philosophy final yesterday - Grade projection? A-... I presented my final for creative writing today - Grade projection? Considering absences, a truly deserved B-/C+... I also played my viola jury today - Grade projection? Who knows? I didn't have the last 6 lessons of the semester and my wrist still hurts from today's performance! Most likely an A-/B+... So, that's not so bad! I also found out I passed my upper division writing exam with an 11 (on a scale of 1-12) Only one more final to go... psychology... but I'm not worried, seeing as I have 103% in the class ;) Grade projection? A... So, seeing as I probably got an A-/B+ in orchestra (couple absences) and an A in string pedagogy, I estimate this semester's weighted GPA anywhere between 3.3 and 3.7... which is an average semester grade of B+/A- all around... not bad for someone with a full class load, and 3 jobs... well, 2 jobs now... I got fired from one of them... but that's an entirely different story ;) Oh, I also learned that I'm gonna need to really get my viola chops up before the surgery so I can just let my technique waste away for a couple weeks while I heal... so, not such an interesting blog... except for the fact that this stupid semester is almost over! Oh, and no more poetry writing for me for the next 6 months... I'm poetry'd out :P

Finals week, breast cancer, and a flying monkey...

2004-05-25T00:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to finals week here at CSUN :) As always, I'm doing all of the studying that I should have been doing during the semester, now (as in, the "now" that includes the hour and a half before the exam) However, as the Principessa of Procrastination, I assert my sovereignty by demonstrating the time honored tradition of the 90-minute cram session... and (as is only expected from a daughter of the royal house) I shall ace each respective exam garnering superior marks for my mastery in the areas of philosophy, writing, and psychology ;) But seriously, this is hell for me... I'd have more fun picking skin off my body after a sunburn. But what are you gonna do when the only person you can blame is you? Oh, that's right... blame the system ;) haha Tonite, I took my philosophy final and I'm pretty confident I made it out of the semester with an A-... not a bad trade-off for a study commitment time of around 3 hours! That's like an hour of study time per unit! Aren't CSU's great? ;) Tomorrow, I have my viola jury and my Creative Writing final... wish me luck!

So, I'm freaking out because there's a weird lump in my breast and it's hard... I'm not sure what it is, but I do know that it has been there for awhile... So, leave it to me to assume the worst... breast cancer :( The worst part is that it's happening now (as if there's ever a good time for it to happen?) right when I'm about to go under the knife for my breast augmentation! It's like a cruel trick nature is playing on me... like, "Oh! You thought you were going to make your breasts swell with pride and saline, didn't you? But oh no... We can't have any of that! Instead, we're going to give you breast cancer and further decrease what little breast mass was slopped to you in the first place!" Sigh, nature is a cruel, cruel mistress... I'd really like to slap that bitch ;)

And lastly, I have to include this memory for posterity... I was looking up the secret menu for the In-N-Out Burger (you know, stuff like animal style, protein style, 4x4, etc) and I came across what's called a "Flying Dutchman" - 2 burger patties with 2 slices of melted cheese and nothing else (a great Atkins meal!) So, my sister, Jenni, calls me and we're talking about the lump in my breast and somewhere along the way, I decide to tell her that she should go to In-N-Out and order a Flying Dutchman (since she's on Atkins too) A couple hours later, she calls me back...

Quyen: Hello?
Jenni: Hey. What was that thing you told me to order?
Quyen: From In-N-Out?
Jenni: Yeah.
Quyen: A Flying Dutchman.
Jenni: Oh, yeah. I thought it was a flying monkey or something like that. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Weekend Forecast: Highly charged - Low key

2004-05-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

Friday - It all begins after a study group when I'm walking home and talking to my b/f on my cell. I haven't seen him in a week and a half, and this weekend, he has a family function to attend... even though I've begged and pleaded for him to come visit, this engagement seems non-negotiable... and so, being the good g/f that I am, I say, "Family comes first and I understand that you need to attend this function because it is important to you. We can always see each other next week" Sigh... another week I'll have to endure without seeing him :( So, upon returning home, I end the call and close the door behind me. Somehow, the weekend seems a little more emotionally difficult to navigate as I tread through the mess on the floor of my apartment toward the bathroom. Now, I'm peeing, thinking about what I should do now... should I go surprise him tomorrow? That would be nice :) Yes! That's what I'll do! If he can't come see me, then I'll go see him... even if it is only going to be for a few hours... Then, ... and are you ready for this? "Cue the 20 y/o girl screaming on the toilet!" :P At once, I knew who it was... it was like my mind played a huge movie sequence reminiscent of Amelie... 'He stole up the stairwell after watching me from afar... waiting for me all day to return from my study group... It was my b/f... and when I'd open the door, he'd be there with open arms and a sweet smile on his face'... and as I ran toward the door, taking time to catch myself in the mirror to notice my ratty hair, oversized shirt, and warmup pants, I knew that the person behind that door wouldn't mind :) And as I opened the door, there he was... my b/f... to surprise me in a way that is making me smile so much right now that my eyes are welling up with tears of happiness just thinking about it... He handed me a perfect, single, long-stem rose and a packet of burrito seasoning as a joke from my latest blog post and then wrapped his arms around me and enveloped me in his love... for the longest time, I just stood at the door, hugging him and kissing him and telling him how much I love him and how surprised I was that he came to see me despite the "family function" ;) He admitted to planning the whole thing since Monday, saying that it was hard to keep the surprise going when I'd get sad that we weren't going to be together this weekend... We spent the rest of the day together laughing and playing, talking and dreaming, but most of all just being happy in the simple pleasures of being together.

Saturday - We wake up and smile, recounting the day before :) We cook breakfast together in my little apartment, filling it with the smells of food, love, and solace... and afterwards... take a siesta until 1pm when we decide to wake up and bask in contentment in knowing that the person we love most couldn't be any closer than they are right now :) We take a trip to the grocery store to gather ingredients for the burritos and meatloaf we will make later that day. When we get home, we begin watching Ranma 1/2 and Escaflowne... and while the meatloaf is in the oven and the lime jello is setting, I take the opportunity to hold him close to me and rub his shoulders while watching TV. The love making tonite is simply luminous... and that rose? The one he greeted me with upon surprising me? He doesn't know it yet, but I woke up in the middle of the nite, took the rose out of the fridge and just smelled it while thinking of him, even though he was sleeping in the next room :)

Sunday - I wake up mumbling incoherence which somehow leads to reading each other articles about aneorexia, open marriages, and advice columns in bed. :P I cook a quick breakfast for the both of us since we've eaten all the pizzas, and I dash out the door only to return in an hour... We spend the rest of the afternoon watching a disc each of Escaflowne and Ranma 1/2 and finishing them... Then, after some more together-time, we get ready to leave. We end the day by sharing a sweet and playful dinner at the Elephant Bar and then after-dinner dessert at In-N-Out... joking, laughing, and sharing ourselves with each other... Sweet kisses mark our goodbye and I can still see him looking out the door as I drive away :)

Now - I'm sitting here, writing this and smelling this perfect rose he gave me as a present and token of his affection... and I'm thinking... usually people feel like this after spending a weekend in the Bahamas or a romantic stay in Paris... But me? I feel like this after spending a weekend inside, reading articles, cooking pizzas, burritos, meatloafs, and Jell-O, watching hours upon hours of anime nestled in my b/f's arms, and laying in bed, sleeping. Which makes me wonder how two people's feelings toward each other could be so highly charged while the time itself was so low key? And I don't so much wonder as much as just know that if there ever comes a time when our love and our connection to each other needs rekindling... forget the plane tickets, unpack the suitcases, and put down the sunscreen because all you really need to do is stock the fridge, pop in the anime, and lock the door :)

My b/f is a burrito!

2004-05-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a very stressful day where almost everything that could go wrong, did... I couldn't print my term paper, the Power Point presentation I spent forever making didn't load onto the professor's laptop, all of the escalators were broken, I missed my pill, I got a huge headache, blah, blah, and blah... So, it's after class and I'm deliriously hungry... So, what could be more comforting than a trip to the grocery store with all of its wonderful food products, right? Well, somewhere along the way, I get this crazy idea that I just need to have a burrito even though I've never made one before in my life, much less worked with using fresh ground beef (I've always had this weird thing with ground beef. Something about the fact that it could be any part of the cow unsettles me a bit) Anyway, I'm being a trooper and I'm now waiting for the seasoning liquid in my burrito mix to reduce so I can eat my dinner of beef and cheese burritos by midnite - when it hits me... What is that smell on my fingers? Why do my fingers smell like my b/f? Oh, silly me... I must be thinking of him again... I often start to smell his scent when I'm thinking about him or I miss him... it's my mind's way of coping with the loss... I love him :) I swear I can really smell him... it's so comforting... like he's right here with me... holding me... mmmmmm... :) Wait... what's that? That smell... it's coming from right here... from my fingertips! It smells like my b/f! Wait, no... it's not my fingers...

And it is then that my eyes turn away from the end of my fingertips toward the skillet where the ground beef is cooking... "Oh my gawd! That smell... the way my b/f smells... the smell I love so much... is really burrito seasoning!" So now, I'm freaking out. Asking terrible questions like, "Why does he smell like burritos? Is it because he's 1/2 Mexican?" and "Did he eat alot of burritos growing up and now it has permeated his pores for life?" Which grows into, "I should learn to make really good burritos because my Mexican b/f probably loves them" and "He probably misses his favorite childhood meal: burritos"

So, I'm done folding up my burritos and I'm deep in actual thought when I take the first bite of my first homemade burrito and that fear of ground beef returns. And as I sit there, disillusioned, wondering why the burrito doesn't taste like my b/f, I finally get it... I really am thinking about him... that wonderful man who I've gotten to know very well over the past year... I'm thinking about him! :) Here's a guy that knows me inside and out and is always there to cheer me up when I'm down or cheer me on when I'm happy... This is the man who can hold me when everything seems wrong and somehow, make everything suddenly seem alright... This is the man who makes me happy... who makes me feel happy for life... who makes me feel happy to be me... and I realize... no... it's not the burrito at all... not at all... it's just him... and I finally understand what they mean when they say... The smell of love is in the air

400% more for 40% less?

2004-05-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

What if I told you that you could go from a AA cup to a good C cup for $4K less than you thought it would cost? Well, that's basically what the two surgeons I met with today told me ;) Basically, I could get a large C if I wanted to... and it would only cost $5,500-$6,000 to do it! It was pretty exciting going to my consultations! Chelle came with me to help me check out the doctors. First, we went to La Jolla where Dr. Brahme met with me and told me about my options. His clinic does the most breast augmentations each month in the entire nation. The staff was helpful and kind as well as very professional. Everything ran very smoothly and according to plan and the good doctor himself seemed very jolly... like Uder, the little German boy, from the Simpsons :P The 2nd doctor I saw today was Dr. Pousti in La Mesa. He was also very kind and seemed just as skilled and caring as Dr. Brahme. However, even though he charged $325 less than Dr. Brahme, I felt his staff left something to be desired. It was much less comprehensive and professional overall and I think I'd be willing to pay an extra $325 for that kind of experience and service. So, now it's time to dispel breast implant myths...

Myth - Breast implants last about 10 years and then need to be replaced... Fact - Breast implants come with lifetime warranties against breakage and leakage and can last a patient up to 60 years or more if properly taken care of (Thank God! If I had to undergo surgery every 10 years, I'd die!)

Myth - People who have breast implants lose nipple sensitivity... Fact - Only 5% of patients notice a loss in nipple sensitivity related to breast augmentation (Wait... foreplay is still an option??? hehe :P)

Myth - Breast implants look fake... Fact - Actually, because earlier procedures couldn't produce the results we can get with today's methods, people began to associate fake looking breasts with implants. The fact is that today, implants are more natural looking than ever and when you do see implants that look "fake", it's often because the patient has requested that they look that way! (C'mon, didn't you know looking like you have fake breasts is a fashion trend? :D)

Boobies in the morning! Boobies in the evening!

2004-05-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

Boobies at suppertime! Well, maybe not suppertime... After-dinner dessert anyone? ;) So, yes! I have the first two of four breast augmentation consultations tomorrow in San Diego. The other two will be on June 2nd and 3rd. The surgeons I'll be seeing tomorrow are Dr. Brahme in La Jolla and Dr. Pousti in La Mesa. I'm so excited! I can't wait to fill out my lingerie! haha No more waterbras or those weird silicone breast prosthetics to make me look and feel busty... and definitely none of that falling out at dinner parties anymore! Good Lord! How embarassing! Seriously though, my waterbra is so broken that the underwire is barely even connected to the actual bra anymore... I give it 3 more months before it implodes. So, logic says that instead of spending $30 on a new waterbra that may last 6 months, I should spend $10K on the actual thing that may last 10 years... Nice logic, huh? ;) Seriously though, I might as well enjoy them while I'm young... Who knows what my body will be like in 10 more years? I bet you that if you asked 10 women if they'd rather be a AA or a small C, 7 out of 10 would say small C... and if you asked 10 men if they'd rather have a wife that was a AA or a small C... 10 of them would say small C... So, I beg to put before you the question... Is it so bad to just want some cleavage??? :P

AIM gems

2004-05-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

SweetAsianRain: Chris... can I tell u something?
Hiro Yui 2001: yes
SweetAsianRain: In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm Jenni... that I can't follow through... and sometimes... to overcompensate that fear... I would follow things just to prove to myself that I could do it... and sometimes to please others... that's what I was writing about in my blog... sometimes I do just want to act like a Jenni... sometimes I just want to see what's out there... but I think I've got it... I think I understand why Jenni is so scared to commit to one thing... maybe she doesn't feel like if she follows through with all of her heart, like she'll fail... like her relationships... like she won't give herself up to the relationship because if she fails she can fall back on the fact that it wasn't her fault...
SweetAsianRain: and in that same way... it's like... I want to put my heart in this... to really give it my all... but what if I fail? What if I put myself in this 100%... and then it fails... I think my fear is then that no one will pick me up... no one will be there to say "hey, it's ok that you trying was enough and I'm proud of you for that" because no one has ever said that trying was ever enough... no one has ever said that loving someone was ever enough... you have to do things... you have to make sure it's more than just effort... you have to make sure it succeeds... and most of all that u have something to show for it... well, maybe I won't be able to show anything for this... maybe it's okay if I fail... maybe it's okay for someone to love you and not have to show anything for it... maybe that's just what I want right now... me... myself
SweetAsianRain: :'(
Hiro Yui 2001: It is okay to fail.
and, I think you understand in what context that's possible.
If you've given it your all, who can fault you for that?
Not, anyone, or even you.
And that's what I like about pouring myself 100% into things.
I know that at the end, if failure comes about, it's not for lack of trying; it's not for lack of heart.
No regrets, you know?.
Hiro Yui 2001: If anything, I think I would be amazingly proud of you just for even trying.
Even now, I'm proud of my little Quyen
Hiro Yui 2001: I'm just trying to look out for you because I know how you've felt about failure in the past, or planning so many things.
SweetAsianRain: I know sweetie... I just need people to say that more... "It's ok if you're not strong and amazing... it's okay if you let us down... we love you for who you are... not what you bring to our lives"... Thanks Chris :-) You're sweet... I love you :-) I hope we're together through everything
Hiro Yui 2001: Quyen, you bring so much to my life because of who you are.
That's why I struggle so much with myself when I don't feel as though I'm doing enough to take care of you, when I don't feel I know how.
SweetAsianRain: Chris, you take care of me more than I take care of myself sometimes... that's why I really feel like I can try... like I can do it... you give me the support and love I need to carry through with my plans... I don't think that if you weren't here with me... that I would have the inner strength to try... but I do... and you give that to me by being there and taking care of me and loving me and thinking of me... I can't even say how much you mean to me and how much you are to me... I can only let you know in the little ways... everyday... upon waking with a smile... or holding hands while arguing... ur lasting... and you make me so happy that I can share your life with you :-)
Hiro Yui 2001: weeple weeple :-)
SweetAsianRain: :-) I love you very very much
SweetAsianRain: <-------wishes she could hug you right about now
Hiro Yui 2001: I do too
ah due too-too

A Procrastinating Life - A Life Procrastinating

2004-05-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

I love those... you can do it to almost anything... you say something, turn it around, and then it takes on a whole new meaning! Try it! The Stream of Consciousness - The Consciousness of Streams :P Pretty kewl, huh? ;) Anyway, I taught today, played a concert and even did some work on developing my plans for the future... So, I guess that's where tonite's title comes from... Do u ever feel like you procrastinate so much that it's a dominant trend in your life? Maybe you do it so much that instead of trading off studying for, say, video games, you're trading it for life. Sometimes, I get lost in feeling so hopeful for what's ahead, and then hopelessness takes over and makes me feel like whatever I do won't be enough to affect change... almost like I lack the talent or the intelligence to really change my destiny... or maybe it's my will...

I do like working on my theories... it helps me realize how much I do know and, even moreso, how much I still want to know... but sometimes this feeling like I've done nothing with my life... like this chain of accomplishments I've made in life somehow don't connect... like they are scattered... and it makes me feel like I haven't applied myself... as a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none... A friend of mine told me yesterday that he will be taking a professor position on the east coast... I remember when I thought I wanted nothing more than to be a college music professor... then again, at different points in my life, I wanted nothing more than to be a comic book artist, a novelist, a poet, a viola soloist, a psychologist, even a psychic! So, maybe you can see how I've spread myself out over the years... devoting myself to writing, helping others, music, psychicism, and drawing (I was so serious, I even had a drafting table!) I think most people don't realize that deep inside this focused and steadfast woman lies a very spontaneous and inquisitive little girl who just wants to sit around all day in the garden smelling the roses and making mud pies... in other words, take the time to appreciate what catches my interest and be able to have fun and not be embarassed about doing something that seems... well... useless... So, now... I am again on the road (after a small stint of rose-smelling and mud-pie-makery) toward my future... The sun is shining now and I can see success on the horizon... the only question is... how many more roses are on the way?

1:26 AM 5/16/04

2004-05-16T01:25:00.000-07:00

Wow! My first blog! So, let me start by introducing myself... My name is Quyen Nguyen. I'm a junior @ Cal State Northridge majoring in viola performance. I'm Vietnamese, 5'8", 133 lbs., with long black hair and brown eyes. I have a b/f named Chris who I talk to almost every nite... So, I guess that's where this blog begins...

I'm writing tonite to recount the convo we had... We were discussing more effective strategies for arguing... One of them being that whenever someone is hurt, to ask them why they are hurt and give them a chance to explain their feelings and thus validating their thoughts... This would prove to give each other a deeper understanding about the situation as well as make the person who is hurt feel like they are being cared for and listened to... The other thing we talked about is what we can do to empathize with each other more... By understanding that the other person is an intelligent individual, we can say that whatever that person is feeling must be valid for it makes sense to them... Because they are intelligent, we can safely say that how they feel is valid and logical to them and not just imagined or superfluous... So, because we understand that, we can better appreciate the ability to want to know where the other person is coming from and respecting the other person's feelings and ideas... This proves to strengthen the relationship by promoting communication, trust, empathy, and openness. haha That totally sounded like an essay...

But anyway, I've also been thinking about in which direction I want to take my career... And it's sort of like looking back and saying "Gee, I wish I had done that this way (etc)" I guess right now, I know I love helping people achieve what they want to achieve... My job as a writing tutor is very rewarding to me... It helps me help others as well as do something that helps me know I'm affecting the world... So, I guess the next thing I know is that I want to contribute to society and the world... Now, whether that's through fame and talent or reputation and merit, I'm not sure... All I know is that in some way I want to make a contribution to a body of knowledge (I guess we can rule out political figure then :P) So, let's see what jobs I've been thinking of: respected music pedagogue, governess of a music school, nun that runs a research facility (j/k on that last one) I'm not sure... But right now, we'll put my goals as: help others achieve what they want for themselves and contribute to society by expanding a specific body of knowledge... Anyway, it was nice talking to all of you tonite... I'm going to go to sleep now :)